Just Simply Jen

I guess I will start by saying that I hope everyone is having a wonderful holiday season. This Christmas was so much better than last year. It would have taken a great bit to make it worse than last year. We had a house full and a ton of food. It really was a great day. For the first time in eight years I had someone from my family with me for Christmas. My sister ended up staying on the island and spent the day with me.
Having hubby home has been pretty great. He is on leave right now and my son is out of school so we are getting to spend a lot of time together as a family. It's a nice change of pace.
I have other news that I don't feel like talking about right now because I still have to figure out my feelings on the matter. Otherwise life is good a nd quite unexciting which is all good to me.

Life is good. That is really the only way I can describe it. Things are different. My friend asked me if things were back to normal and I had to ask her what was normal. Her definition of normal was "Marriage, husband, child, life...whats normal for you?" Now that doesn't seem to out of the ordinary, but having my husband home and a marriage that is not being stressed by seperation or upcoming deployment is not something I have had for almost two years. Now I'm sitting here asking myself what is normal. I mean to me it's more normal to have my son here with me and my husband somewhere else. All in all, we are adjusting though. I still have a habit of saying "My" instead of "Our" and thankfully he is very understanding and patient with it. It has been great having his laughter around and someone to hold. He has already made his way back into helping with the little things that you don't think about someone helping with when you have to do it all on your own for so long. I had to get used to little things like him getting me something to drink or throwing the clothes in the dryer. I kept telling him I would do it until he finally made me see that he likes doing things for me and it wasn't a problem.
He is adjusting really well to being home and no longer in a war zone. There are a few things that I never would have thought of that seem to get to him. Some of it is really hard to see and others he makes really funny. At first, everytime we went to leave somewhere, he would be reaching for his weapon. now he says he only does it when he's in uniform. Some of the sadder ones is the moments of intense alertness he has while driving down the road because he is looking out for IEDs or the fact that when a balloon popped last night at my sister's house, he and his two friends that just returned as well looked as though they were ready to hit the dirt or attack or something. We just joked that it was a good thing none of them had weapons because my son would have been in trouble. I know it seems a morbid joke and not very funny, but how do you deal with that intense stress? I don't think there is a code for it.

In other news, we now have a new pet. We have a most adorable cat. She was my sister's boyfriend's cat and they were going to bring her to the humane society this past weekend because they moved and their new place was too small. I have totally fallen in love with this cat over the past four months or so and wanted to keep her. I didn't think I would be able to because my husband used to have bad cat allergies. It would appear he has grown out of them because after several times of being around her with no reaction, he said we could keep her. I love having her around. She is not the most cuddly, but she is still nice to have around. She has a few quirks that make us laugh. The other day we gave her a bowl of milk and watched as she would dip her paw in the milk and lick it off her paw. She continued to do this for a wall and had us laughing. I asked my sister about it and she said that the cat doesn't like to eat or drink out of bowls and will do that every time. It still cracks me up.
I guess that will be all for now. I'm sure I have more to say, but right now I can't think of it. I do want to thank all of my wonderful friends for their support over the past year. Don't think that because he's home now, I'll be talking to you any less. I can always use good friends to laugh with.

I haven't written in a while because I didn't have anything to say. Today, I have the opposite problem. I have so much to say but I have no idea where to begin. I am just going to leave it with two words.

HE'S HOME!!!!!!

And this is one of the many things I can't wait to have in my house again. I have missed the super silly moments and am looking forward to having him home again. Soon...very soon. Oh and in the picture he's on the phone with me. God, I love that man!

Tonight was a lot of fun. We went around the housing area here and then we went to a nearby town. My son got a little greedy towards the end so I decided to call it a night. He made out really well though. I dressed up as well so I'm going to post a few pics.

I'm about to post on something I very rarely do. It has do to with my religious beliefs. Before I start, I just want to make it very clear that I am not preaching to anyone. That's not my style. I'm just putting my personal feelings and experience of the past year in print. Sometimes I need to do that just for me. Seeing it makes me feel better. I will understand if you choose not to read what I write, and for those who disagree with what I say, that's fine. All I ask is that people don't blast me for my beliefs. I wouldn't do that to you. I have several friends that I hope would be able to attest to that. That being said, here goes nothing.

Tonight I was listening to a CD I was given today when my sister's boyfriend was cleaning out his cd collection. It had the song When You Believe from the movie Prince of Egypt on it. I started sobbing when that song started playing. I wasn't expecting that reaction, but it happened. It was in the words of that song that I realized something. Over this past year, I lost my faith. No, it's not completely gone. It was there for the little things, but in the things I really needed to exercise that faith, it was gone. I spent a lot of time worrying and upset over so many different things and things just got worse. Past experiences have taught me that holding on to my faith makes the bad things easier to bear and I come out a little less scarred. I'm coming out of this past year wearing many new scars and I am asking myself if some of them couldn't have been avoided. Unfortunately my answer is yes. If I'd remembered to trust in God's promise that He was going to get me through the tough times, maybe certain things would have been a little easier. There is nothing I can do about it now. I can't go back and change anything that has already happened, but I can start fresh. I am finding comfort in knowing that even some of the greatest biblical figures faltered in their faith and they came out of it ok. This all sounded so much better in my head, but I do feel good getting it down in writing. Today I start a journey on reclaiming my faith. It's not an unfamiliar journey, but it is one I've never had to take without my support system. It promises to be filled with ups and downs but hopefully there will be more ups. Hopefully I will get back to the woman that I once was. If we are going to continue in this military life, I'm definitely going to need it. I hope people will look at this and see that I am by no means perfect. I have my doubts and fears and I even have questioned myself on why I believe what I do. I won't lie, I haven't found all of the answers and for a while I stopped looking. I guess I was afraid I would find something I didn't like. I'm not going to give the usual "I'm not perfect, I'm forgiven" line. I don't think I'm better than anyone and sometimes what is intended as a witty comeback comes off as sounding very holier than though. That's not me. I'm just simply a woman on a journey. I have many friends who believe very differently from me and I still love all of them the same. No matter what I believe, that will never change. After all, if Jesus went around only loving those who believed every word he said without question, a lot of people would have been left out. I think a lot of Christians forget that and it makes me sad, but if there are any truths I don't doubt, it's that one. Love comes without limits. No, I'm not joking or a phony. I have loved some people that have turned out to be pretty hard to love. I may not be big fans of them and I will admit that there are a few I strongly dislike. Thankfully I can love someone and still dislike their actions. Thankfully that is one thing I have learned in my life and know to be true. Hopefully I'll figure the rest out soon enough.

Thanks for letting me ramble. If you made it through this, thanks for putting up with me. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and let it all out and not worry so much about upsetting everyone. I can't make everyone happy all the time, but I will try to not make you feel bad. These are just my thoughts on my life and they don't necessarily apply to anyone else. This is just another part of Jen. Accept it or don't. I leave that choice up to you. I warn you though, your acceptance will not change me. I'm definitely getting past that point in my life. I am pretty sure that most of my friends who are really friends, will accept this as part of who I am and move on. I really hope I'm right. I'll stop rambling now. I think I should go to bed before my fingers start typing things that make no sense instead of just a little sense.

As I mentioned in the last post, my sister asked me why I never like going to the beach anymore. My answer? It's lonely. It was tolerable loneliness when it was just her, my son, and myself, but now her boyfriend comes along. For the most part I like him. He can be arrogant and immaturely crude, but overall he's a good guy. The part that makes it harder is the two of them being all lovey dovey and all over each other. My son wants to run off and play with them and they start looking like the family that I used to be part of more than I feel like I am. It is pathetic, but it makes me miss my husband so very much more. Why should I feel the need to subject myself to the loneliness when I can easily avoid it? Is it so wrong of me to want to avoid it? I don't know. I just don't know. Thankfully this won't be a problem soon enough.

I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the wonderful response to my project I have going. I really appreciate the support I'm getting. It makes it all much more exciting. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, I'm sorry. I can't post it here. Message me or email me if you want to know more. I also want to say thank you to the person who I took the idea from. You know who you are. I would love to name you but then someone might figure out what I'm doing and that would be bad.
Things are going well. I'm getting so excited and trying to get things done for my husband to come home. I can't really explain how I feel. It's threatening to be overrwhelming.. I just have to remeber to stop and breathe. I am just that excited.

Why is it that for the past week I have been exhausted at night, but couldn't sleep a bit but the one time my son doesn't is awake because he slept in the afternoon, I am practically falling asleep sitting up? It's just so wrong!

I've become hooked on Lifetime television. It's sort of a bad thing because I'm such a sap. Tonight I watched a wonderful movie. It was called "Why I wore lipstick to my mastectomy." If you don't know anything about it, it's about a woman who found out she had breast cancer and her journey from diagnosis to years after her mastectomy. It, like most Lifetime movies, is a true story. It was a great movie and very powerful. I have to say that it made me think about my own journey this time last year.
About this time last year I was going to bed and when I sat down I bumped my breast. It hurt pretty bad, but I had just finished my period and it was tender before from that so I didn't think anything of it before that night. I went to rub it to make it feel better and felt a very large lump. It was right behind the nipple and about the size of a silver dollar. It was very solid. I freaked out and spent some time talking to my husband. You wouldn't believe the thoughts that went through my head. I was able to get an appointment very quickly with a doctor at family practice. He did an exam and was concerned when he realized that it was so solid he could actually grab it. He told me I would need a mamogram. Well because of my age they did an ultrasound instead. Now it was about two weeks before the ultrasound and I was very scared. It was a hard two weeks. I couldn't get the thoughts of if it was cancer or not, things like that. I went for my ultrasound. Everyone there was so nice. The doctor who did my ultrasound got this look on her face that scared me to death. She told me she needed to get her supervisor to come look at it. He came in and looked and then I heard something you never want to hear from your doctor. "I really have no idea what it is." It took everything I had not to lose it. I got dressed and the lady doctor told me that they wanted to do a biopsy. They were going to do a ultrasound guided needle biopsy. It was about three weeks before that appointment and I was in sheer agony. My husband was getting ready for a deployment and we didn't know what was going to happen. I went to the biopsy and it went really smoothly. There was still the confusion and worry because they didn't know what it was. A week later I found out that I had a fibroid mass inside a cyst. It was benign. I was so relieved, but I definitely learned how important it is to do monthly self exams.
I really want to encourage everyone to take this seriously. There are lots of resources out there that can inform you on what you need to do. It doesn't matter how old or how young you are. It can happen to you.

It's my favorite time of year here in paradise. Ok so I've only lived here a year, but after experiencing all of the weather patterns, I have to say this is definitely my favorite. It's tradewinds "season" which means beautiful days, nice breezes, and cooler nights. Now the sun can still be really hot if you stand out in it long enough, but the breeze helps cool you down some. This is the time of year that totally makes me feel like it's paradise. It's raining enough that the flowers are blooming nicely but not so much that you can't enjoy the days. We will get afternoon showers sometimes, but the tend to move through quickly or even happen while the sun is out and are light enough you can walk in them and not get more than a little misted. The ones with the sun shining make for another one of my favorite things about Hawaii. RAINBOWS!!!!! I haven't seen a really good one lately, but I expect to see them a little more often now.
Sometimes I still can't believe I live in Hawaii. I wonder if I ever will.

On a totally different note, I'm getting really excited. It's getting so much closer. I ordered a beautiful banner today for when my husband gets home. I'm going to hang it out in front of my house. I had a really hard time thinking up what to put on it. Especially when it came to what to put after "Welcome home." Do I put Daddy? Do I put his rank? His rank is supposed to be changing soon so do I put what he is or what he will be? What if I put what he will be and it doesn't change in time for when they get home? It went on like that for weeks. I had settled on Daddy but then I just didn't want that. I'm telling you it was obsession over a silly banner. I finally settled on something I've always called him that just seemed to work. I'll be sure to post pictures after he gets home. I don't want him catching a sneak peak of it before he gets home. Now I just have to figure out what shoes I'm going to wear for when he comes home, find or make a shirt for my son, and make posters for the place we are meeting them at. I still have plenty of time to do so. At some point I need to start Christmas shopping and shopping for my son's birthday. They both are coming way too quickly. It's weird, but the days are flying by but the nights drag. It doesn't matter though. It will all be here soon.

I miss being in bed by 9 pm. Especially when 5:30 am seems to come so very early. Thankfully tomorrow is Saturday and my little man should sleep in at least until 7 if I'm lucky. Why am I not in bed? I surely have nothing stopping me. He went to bed hours ago. So tired he crashed sprawled half on half off the bed. There's really only one reason. I'm lonely.
I was trying to talk to a friend about this earlier and all she could seem to do was tell me to get information about reintegration and what to expect and that I should think about how soon it is and be happy with that. *sighs* How soon it is seems to be the problem. I feel so close and yet so far away. This is honestly how I felt right before R&R but magnified. I'm so excited but I get so lonely because it's not soon enough. I'm so pathetic. As for the reintegration information...everything I hear scares the crap out of me, so I'd rather not read that stuff. Instead of expecting things, I'm just going to expect nothing. Thankfully I have friends that have been through this and are in marriages more like mine and my husband's. They have been the most help in keeping me realistic without scaring me to death. I know I'll get through this phase and I'll be fine. I just needed to get this out of my head so hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.

I heard this song tonight and it has so many things in it that I'm feeling lately. I thought i would go ahead and change my song. I hope you like.


Stay With Me
Danity Kane

[Verse 1]
Raindrops, Fall From, Everywhere
I Reach Out, For You, But Your Not There
So I Stood, Waiting, In The Dark
With Your Picture, In My Hands
Story Of a Broken Heart

[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don't Let Me Go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me

[Verse 2]
I'm Trying And Hoping, For The Day
And My Touch Is Enough
To Take The Pain Away
Cause I've Searched For So Long
The Answer Is Clear
I Will Be Hoping We Don't Let It Disappear

[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don't let Me go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's it Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me

[Verse 3]
I've searched my heart over
So many many times
No you and I, is like no stars to light the sky at night
Our Picture Hangs Out Of Tune
Remind Me Of The Days
You Promised Me We'd Always
Be And Would Never Go Away
That's Why I Need You To Stay

[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don't let Me go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me

[Fades]
oooo.. oh oh
don't leave
so I stay waiting in the dark...

Too all the old school Nintendo fans out there, this is hilarious.

Nintendo A'cappella Choir

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Today was a better day. I was still feeling a little icky so I rested while my son was in school. Once he was home we just hung out and did his homework. It was a nice afternoon. Now it's after midnight and I know I should be in bed. In fact I'm really tired, but one thing keeps me from going to bed. Even though I'm sleeping in a twin bed, the though of facing crawling into it alone once again is driving me nuts. I need to get over this and get my butt in bed. I'm going to have a really hard time getting up in the morning.
Oh well. That's life. Tomorrow's another day...Thank God.

Ok Ok...cheesy line, but what'd you expect. I mean most of this entry is going to be about the earthquake yesterday.

At shortly after 7 am I wake to my bed shaking like crazy. The huge picture I have on the wall over my bed was banging against the wall loudly and in my sleepy haze, I was confused and thinking I was dreaming. My first thought was a tornado. That may sound silly, but I grew up in the south part of Louisiana where those were so frequent I got to where I slept through them. Growing up in trailers, they shake with tornado winds. I realized it wasn't raining hard enough and the wind wasn't really shaking. I freaked. I have to admit I was too scared to even have the common sense to get out of the bed while this huge heavy picture that is lined with a mirror is banging so hard I was sure it was going to fall. I just froze. It only lasted a few minutes, but at the time it felt like forever. The house stopped shaking, but I didn't for another hour.
Since I ruled out a tornado, I had to come up with some explanation. I seriously thought I had imagined it and was going insane. Laugh if you will, but I had never imagined ever being in an earthquake so I was really thinking I was going nuts. My husband was messaging me and I ignored it for a moment to call my sister. Her boyfriend answered and I told him "I know this sounds crazy, but I think we just had an earthquake." He laughed and said they felt it too. Asked if we were ok and said they were going back to bed. Me, I couldn't possibly have gone to sleep. My son, however, slept like a log through the entire thing.
About 20 minutes after the quake the lights went out. I'm not sure when it was, but not too long after the first one, we felt the first aftershock. It was really hard to feel here. I'm just glad we aren't on the big island. Man...that would have been extremely terrifying. We were without power until that evening but we managed to have a decent day. The one thing I don't understand is all the people filling up their cars with gas. Where are they going to go???? It just didn't make sense to me. We're on an island in the middle of the Pacific people. Drive all you want, you aren't going to get away from the problem. I could have understood filling up containers for gas powered generators or things of that nature but cars I don't get. It was so bad some places are out of gas today.
All in all it was an interesting day. I hope to not have to do that anytime soon and I'm glad there were no serious injuries, even on the big island. From what I've heard, the most serious was a broken arm. It could have been much worse. It could have generated a tsunami.
So now I've been through tornadoes, hurricanes, and an earthquake. I wonder what's next!

My computer cord broke. Part of it actually broke off. My battery is about to die and I have no idea how long it will take for the replacement I ordered to get here. Hopefully not very long. I'll let you know when I'm back.
This sucks!

Last night my son spent the night with my sister. I was all alone and what did I do to celebrate? I slept. Yep...that's right...I slept. After two days of moderately more energy, I'm back to square one, but I think I might have found the culprit. I slept 13 hours and honestly feel like I could sleep more. I was up a few times but not for more than 15 minutes. It was really nice to sleep and not worry about when my son was going to wake up. In fact I slept so hard that I missed a total of 14 text messages from my husband. YOu have to udnerstand that they are really loud and right beside my head. Normally I could sleep through one or two but never that many. I feel so bad or doing that. I was just out. I hope he isn't upset with me. I really have no explanation.

Tonight was a good night. My sister came and picked us up and the three of us went to Dave and Busters. They seem a little pricy at first but I got three meals at least out of my burger and my sister and son both took home leftover. We also had an appetizer of tempura fried mushrooms (YUM!!!!)and a desert shared between the three of us. With our meal, my sister and I got 10 dollar game cards to use in the midway so it was really a great deal. After we ate, we went up and had a blast playing different games. The only problem I have with it is that I get extremely hot every time we are up there. We turned in our tickets, picked out a few trinket toys for my son and headed out.
We had to go to another base to get some papers I needed from someone then we decided to go to the mall because I had mentioned needing a replacement tongue ring because the ball on mine fell down the sink. I've been wearing the one that came with the piercing but it is too long and gets annoying after a while. Anyway..so We headed into Hot Topic and didn't find anything there so we went to Spencer's because I knew they had at least one I liked. I found quite a few I wanted there, but settled on a pack of five different colored ones and a flat topped one that says "Eat Me" on it and has a fork and a person. Bad, I know, but I love it! We also got my son a Superman costume that he just had to have. It was half price so who am I to argue. I also got a 10% discount with my military ID so YAY!! After spencers we stopped and got some candy and then went to the toy store because I had promised my son we could go in. I gave him $6 and told him he could get whatever he wanted for that. He settled on some playdough. We asked him when we got in the car if he was going to leave it with his aunt so he would have it when he goes to spend the night tomorrow night. He was excited at the idea and we thought it was over.
She brought us home. He had fallen asleep on the way so I had to wake him up. I just had way too much stuff to carry to be able to carry him and he's getting REALLY heavy. He woke up easily enough and came inside. That is when the trouble started.
I was putting food in the fridge when he asked for his playdough. I told him about him leaving it with his aunt so he could have it tomorrow. He didn't like that and started crying. We had a discussion about it and finally he calmed down to sulking and watching tv laying on the couch. Then he asked for his costume. Now he had been told in the store that he would not be able to wear it until Halloween. It was not to play with. I left it in the car so I wouldn't have to keep taking it from him. He threw a little fit and I told him to stop or go to bed. He stopped but later came over to stand by me. This is how the conversation went.

me: What do you need, baby?
him: Gimme that. (pointing to the back of the couch.)
me: Give you what?
him: That phone.(mumbles something I don't understand)
me: Who are you going to call?
him: I call the police?
me: (chuckling) why?
him: I call police and tell on Aunt L.
me: (laughing now) Tell them what?
him: L took my costume. I tell police.

Ok so bad mom, I'm laughing. It was funny. We talked about the Halloween thing again and he eventually got over it. He's drawing with his huge pen he got at D&B and about to go to bed. I just thought that was amusing. At least he knows part of what the police do. He can be too cute.
All in all today was wonderful. The only part that stunk was not getting to talk to my husband. He messaged me at 4 this morning and I'm messaging him back on my phone, falling asleep between messages. When he told me he was considering a nap, I jumped on it. I enthusiastically convinced him to go ahead and we'd talk later. Unfortunately that didn't work out and we will have to wait until tomorrow. The good news is I slept until 10:45. Yes...I said ten. Man it was nice and for the first time in a week I wasn't exhausted all day. Like I said...it was a good day. Hoping tomorrow will be one as well.

You know you are bored and a little lonely when you start having conversations with yourself like someone else was in the room and actually participating...ok so maybe i'm just a little crazy...anyway. I think maybe I should try sleep before I start scaring myself.

My son has been really good this week. I mean really good. No screaming fits just because. No telling me no every time I ask him to do something. He actually does what I say the first time most of the time and if he doesn't and I repeat it, he does it without having a melt down. I have no idea what the sudden change is. Two things have changed in his world. He hasn't had school all week and his aunt moved out. Well this may sound mean, but I think it's more the last one. My sister was very hard on him. I mean he was dishing out the bad but it was like he had to walk on eggshells just to keep her from yelling at him. Trust me, we are all much more relaxed and getting along better now that she's not here. Still I'm waiting for him to go back to the rebellious hellion he was before. Trust me, he was bad before she got here and actually got better when she was first here. I think we all just needed a break. I don't see how sisters can live together more than a few months without getting on each others nerves.
It's been a blessing that my little man is behaving so well. I've been extremely tired for a while. It started Saturday. My cold is a lot better but I still feel so drained. If it doesn't get any better, I'm going to talk to my doctor about it when I go for my leg next week. I don't know if antibiotics can do this or what. I'm just tired of being so tired. I literally could sleep all day if my son wasn't here. As it is, I will doze off on the couch off and on through the day. I know I sound like a horrible parent but he's always right beside me playing. He will wake me from the dozing often because he needs help with something he's doing or just to talk to me and I never get mad. I still play with him and things, but it's not the same. I was worried at first that it might be the depression thing coming back, but I've been doing so amazingly well in that department that I don't see how it could be. I am too excited and just generally happy other than my illness so I don't think that has anything to do with it. I'm so far from where I was then. So far. I just need to figure this out so I can get my life back. I actually want to do things..I just can't. It's driving me nuts.
All in all, things seem to be looking up. I'm not going to get too used to it though. Just when I did, it would change. I'm just going to enjoy the moment.

Went to the doctor today. He decided to not pack my leg and set my appointment for next week. No more going to the doctor daily to get it checked and packed. No more sponge baths. HOORAY FOR SHOWERS!!!!!! Now I just have to hope it heals quickly and completely so we don't have to start all over again. I'll find out next Wednesday. Now that sounds nice!

It was six months ago tomorrow that I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. Six months ago today I totally lost control of the muscles in the right side of my face. I have had all of that time to get used to the fact that I may never be 'normal' again. Now I have gotten a lot of my mouth back. My doctor for my leg said he couldn't even tell. I can close my eye, but I can't move my eyebrow or anything on my forehead on that side. I still dribble drink because I can't fully close my mouth. I still have trouble eating loud foods with the quietness I once had. I have always been one who is easily annoyed by open mouthed eating and here I am seeming to have that exact problem sometimes. The muscle under my eye twitches uncontrollably because of the nerve regeneration. When I try to chew or drink with a straw on the right side, my mouth pulls the muscle under my eye down like when you scrunch your face up and my eye starts to close. It is a very annoying thing. I know people deal with this for a long time and there are some that never have full recovery. I thought I had dealt with that and since I had most of my smile back I was ok, but I guess I was wrong. I won't go into why I'm not, but I'm not. I hate this. I want to scream. I'm tired of dropping food onto my shirt. I've always been the one that did that but now it's even worse. I'm tired of so many little things that I never even thought about before. What frustrates me most is there is no knowing why this happened. It was just a random thing that I happened to get. November will signal the end of one really odd health year. A year filled with mysterious infections and illnesses. I so hope next year is much better and I'll be honest, I'm a little scared to see what the rest of this and next month holds for me. I just pray my face is a little more back to normal before my husband gets home. I hate not being whole for him. I know he doesn't care, but I do. I really do. I remember how the kisses felt different and how frustrating that was. I don't want that again. I want to be 'normal.' whatever that means.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't want to hear me whine. Like I said, I'm usually really ok with all of this. I guess I just had a moment where I wasn't. Sometimes it's hard to accept completely an imperfection in ourselves. Especially when we have absolutely no control over it. That's all I really want. A little more control.

I had the weirdest dream last night. It was one of those that had me wanting to cry and say WTH? at the same time. I know exactly where it is coming from. One of those dreams that's not hard to figure out but still it's just so weird. Oh well.

It is so much nicer to have my sister not living with me. Not for the reasons you would think. I spent the afternoon with her and it was just so much more pleasant. She is great with her boyfriend and so very happy which makes me happy. It was really a nice time. She was worried I didn't have fun and I'll admit I was miserable, but that was because of the cold I have. Definitely not the company. It was a really nice evening. She cooked shrimp alfredo and corn on the cob and made a salad that was soooo good. It was just a really nice time. We are going to do something Friday afternoon and I'm so looking forward to it. It's a nice feeling.
Why is it that something with a name as exotic as dragon fruit can be about as bland as can be? I tasted some tonight and it was very bland. Nothing to make me want to eat it. My sister's guy suggested putting sugar on it but I am not big on eating fruit I have to add sugar too. Now once in a while I like to add a little to strawberries or blueberries but that is VERY rare. I like my fruit nice and natural. I do have to say that it is very pretty to look at though.
I took some medicine and now I feel decent. I'm not as stuffy and coughing my head off. I hate sneezing though. I'm sneezing these ones that give you a headache for a few minutes after because they are so forceful. I have to say this medicine is the best I've tried for a cold. I'm just worried because I'm on so many different medicines for different things from two different doctors and I'm worried this otc medicine might be a bad interaction or that the other medicines might not work well together. I won't see my doctor until Wednesday so I won't get to talk to him about it. I'm going to try and talk to the nurse about it. The sad part is I need most of the medicines I take every day. I guess I don't need them to live. The quality of life without them just sucks really bad. I hate saying that but it's true. Before the cold I started a new medicine and for the first time in my life I just felt so good. Several people mentioned being able to tell a difference. Of course then the lack of sleep and cold had me back to miserable but I still have a different state of mind that I can't ever remember having. Not even as a child. I'm just so much more clear headed and that is an amazing feeling. I just can't explain it really well. Hopefully after I get rid of the cold and infection I will be better than I ever have. Something to look forward to!

My son is out of school this week for his fall break. They go to school year round so they get a week off in October. Lucky me. I was so apprehensive about him being away from me all day and now I crave those quiet hours after I put him on the bus. At least I don't have to worry about him getting on my sister's nerves..which seemed to be way too easy. She was always trying to keep him quiet and still. He's a 5 year old boy...let him be one!! She moved out so now it's just back to the two of us and I'm honestly liking it. I never realized how much my life revolved around not upsetting her. Don't get me wrong. She's not horrible. She just was difficult to get used to. I still love her...just get along better when she's somewhere else!
I have been doing a lot of online shopping for clothes to wear for my husband when he comes home. I have the entire outfit picked out except for the shirt. I bought a shirt that is a gorgeous color and SOOOOOOOO comfortable but it's not oozing sexy. It's more classy sexy. There are a few aspects that will make up for it, but I don't know if I should look for a different shirt or just keep the one I have. I hate making decisions. Good thing I have a little bit to figure it out. I'm getting so excited. I have this list in my head of things I need to get done, but it is in no order so it's a mess. My only hope at this point is that I'm fully healthy when he gets home.
I'm so tired of this being sick thing. I want them to figure out why I keep getting infections. I talked to my doctor and he asked me if I had been tested for Diabetes. I had thought I had in May and sure enough he went back and looked. He said that all of my tests were normal so it's good to know that's it. I'm sort of like "what now? That can't be the end of the subject" but I don't know if it is or not. I'll be seeing a lot of him this week at least so I'll talk to him a little more. Hopefully this week will be my last week, though they did say the other day that I had at last 3 more weeks of the every day thing to go. 31 days left on antibiotics...man I'm tired of being sick.
I said I'd say more about my son's school later on, so I guess I will now. He loves school so much. He gets on the bus every morning excited about going to school. He has loved it since the beginning but seems to be getting so much more out of it now. They put him in a Self contained class that has only 7 kids in it total.They teach the same things the other class did, just at a slower pace and with more one on one attention which is what he needed. He has gone from not being able to count above 6 to counting to 22 in two weeks! His speech is improving a good bit and he walks around counting everything. He loves to be read to now and will actually pay attention for more than a few pages. He loves to write. He will write random numbers and letters and actually wrote his dad a letter. It's great to see him blossoming but at the same time I wish I could freeze this for my husband to see. I'm saving his papers for when my husband gets home and keeping him as up to date as I can. I know it doesn't make not being here easier though.
The closer we get to the end, the harder it seems to be getting for him. For me it's easier because I have something to work towards now. I have a fixed goal. Well as fixed as you can get in the military. It's so hard for me to not get extremely excited. I just have to make it a little longer and I think I can do it. Man it's been a long year!

I haven't written in a while and honestly I don't have much to say. Just dealing with life day to day and doing ok with it all. I'm thrilled to say that we are getting very close to the end of this year of lonely. I can't wait. Things seem to be getting crazier and crazier so we are talking less and less. I just am so ready for it all to be over.
My son is doing well. He loves school and they put him in a new clas and he is doing so well in it. I'll write more about that later. I just wanted to let those of you that might be worrying know that I'm fine. Just kind of quiet.

I'm seeing several people talking about what the were doing on 9/11 or just general reflecting about it so I thought I would do a little discussing of it myself. I have to say that my life has changed immensely since that day.
I remember that day. My husband had the day off and we spent the morning sleeping. When we finally woke up, he went and got some food while I worked on folding clothes or something like that. My son was not quite a year old and was taking a nap or something when my husband walked in the door. He had this look on his face that scared me to my core. My first thought was that he had a wreck or something but he told me that we were attacked. I didn't know what he meant and he was having a hard time getting the words out so he turned on the tv. We sat there and watched in horror as they recapped the events of the day. I remember crying. I remember being scared because I didn't know what would be next. I also remember being terrified for my family because they live in a high risk area for terrorist attacks. This next part, I find very ironic. I remember us being scared that there would be a draft and he would have to go overseas. I remember being worried that I would be left alone to raise my son while he went off to a war that hadn't even been declared yet. That thought kept me up for several nights in a row.
How odd that I sit here five years later doing just that only he wasn't drafted. He volunteered. He signed up for this journey knowing he would have to go there. How things change over years. I love him. I am proud of him for doing what he felt led to do even though I'd rather not be here right now without him, but I am still proud of him. I admit that 9/11 touched me, but didn't give me an immediate sense of patriotism. It scared me more than anything. It wasn't until family members started going off to war that I became patriotic and then my husband joined and that seemed to push it up there. It just all seemed to make more sense then. I know that sounds stupid, but it's just the way it was for me.
Now I sit here waiting to see what the next five years hold for us as a country and a family.

Marriage is hard work. Yes, I know I sound like a broken record. I guess I'm just having one of those nights where I'm reminded how hard it is. Especially when you are trying to make it work from opposite sides of the world. Oh I'd like to have thought that because we have such a strong marriage that we would be immune to the woes of separation strain, but the truth is no one is. I don't care what they say. Every marriage is going to have at least one time where it's hard when being separate for that length of time. If they don't, I have to wonder if something isn't quite right. Marriage was made for the couple to be together. It goes against the fundamental ideas of it to split the couple up for such a long time and expect there to be no conflict. I just hate being reminded of that. I wish sometimes I could fool myself into believing we're together and it's all alright, but sometimes it's not and it hurts. I'm so glad it's almost over. Then marriage will pose a new set of issues, but I'm to busy dealing with the now ones to even think about those.

Nothing like a sudden unexpected tap on the back while you're cleaning off a bed in a pitch black room to scare the crap out of you and get your adrenaline going. Here I thought I would get a good nights sleep tonight too. Thanks son..I appreciate that.
I guess I'm a little jumpy lately. Several times he has scared me like that. Most of the time it's me in bed looking at something on my computer and a black figure is moving towards me all of the sudden. Yeah...he likes scaring me. He thinks it's funny when I scream.
I bet my husband is going to have a blast with this when he gets home.

Why couldn't I have had a girl?

Tonight is one of those nights I hate. The ones where we haven't been able to really talk without a ton of distractions or times not matching up. The one where I find out it's not going to get any better for a few days. I know how lucky I am, so please don't feel the need to remind me of it. I know that it could be worse and I could go months with not hearing from him. I know I know...if that's all you can think as you read this, then go elsewhere. I have much sympathy for those spouses, but I feel like the crap I've put up with has earned me my right to feel how I feel. I feel like when it comes to this you have to look at each situation and say "that's bad for them" even when to you it's not so bad. I mean there are limits to this, but some things, like communications with the spouses, are just individual levels of what sucks. Tonight, this week, the way I'm feeling right now..this sucks. It just really sucks and I'm ready for my husband to be home. I have spent most of the week excited because we don't have that much longer, but tonight it's feeling like forever. I'm lonely and want to be held. Yes I know this is my life and I knew this was part of the deal, but that doesn't mean that I can't say this sucks. Did you get that?

THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!

I love when I get a glimpse into my son's thought process. Most of the time, when a conversation with him makes no sense, I'm just left to wonder. It is a rare occasion that I can piece together what he is thinking and today I had one of those moments. Here was the conversation.

Son: I wanna go Huwhy(that's what hawaii sounds like when he says it.)
Me: You want to go where?
Son: I wanna go Huwhy.
Me: You want to go to Hawaii?
Son: Yeah. I go to Huwhy.
Me: But we're already in Hawaii.
Son: I wanna go in the airplane and go to Huwhy.
Me: We already did. Your house is in hawaii.
Son: OH!!! (pause a moment for thought) I wanna go in airplane.
Me: Where do you want to go in the airplane.
Son: I wanna go get Daddy.

Of course from there came the explanation that we can't fly and go get daddy and how long until daddy is home. You get the idea. Now it took me a few minutes, but I figured out why he kept saying Hawaii instead of just saying to go get his dad. The only time he has flown, he has flown to Hawaii. His Daddy came home to Hawaii on a plane for R&R. His aunt flew on an airplane to Hawaii. He has never seen the planes leave Hawaii. So as much as I can tell, he thought all planes went to Hawaii and since Daddy had to go on a plane, Daddy was in Hawaii. Interesting..

Now I know some of you might be sitting there wondering how my almost six year old son doesn't comprehend the situation better. All I can say is my son has a very different thought process. Very different. He understands what he really needs to. Daddy is away being a soldier and loves him and mommy very much. At this point that is all he needs to know. I have shown him where on the map Daddy is and things like that but he holds on to what he needs to in making it through the day without his best friend. I honestly am grateful for his lacking in comprehension at this point. I have enough trouble with the "I miss Daddy" and "Daddy come home" so I don't know what I would do if he had hard questions.

I can't believe it's been a week since I posted anything. I've thought about blogging several times this week but couldn't work up the energy to form my thoughts into coherent sentences.
Went to the doctor on Tuesday and they said I had an abscess in my leg. YUCK! Gave me some antibiotics and said if those don't seem to work then I'll have to get a consult to surgery and have a minor surgical procedure done. Nothing worth freaking out about but I really don't want to have to go there. The antibiotic seems to be working though it has some harsh side effects. I'll deal.
This week has been drama filled. My sister has been in rare form all week...extremely moody but claiming she's not. Come to find out she had PMS. I want to smack her around some for her bitchy comments she was constantly making but I know she'll get just as good as she gave next time it's my turn. At first she was a lot of help but then she just started complaining about everything. Instead of letting me rest she started acting like I should be all better and getting mad because I wanted to go to bed early. Eh..it was just a long week. I'm really glad it is over.
Going to look at a car today or tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow because I promised my son we'd go to a movie yesterday and we didn't and I told him today and I really don't want to break that promise again. He's been incredibly sweet to me this week despite his seeming desire to drive me insane at other times. He saw me cry a lot this week despite my desire not to and he was always there giving me a hug or kiss and talking sweet to me. He apparently now things that scratching my back makes it all better when I'm upset. It does make me smile though. I don't know what I'd do without that stinker.
I guess that's enough of a ramble for now. I keep looking at the calendar in disbelief that it's almost all over. I mean we have a little while still, but we are in the "OMG I need to start looking for an outfit and everything has to be perfect" part of it. I honestly keep waiting for that phone call saying they are going to have to stay longer and I am really scared. I know I shouldn't be, but it's like I'm afraid to believe he is actually going to come home because if I get excited something bad will happen. Talk about a totally different attitude for this once extremely optimistic person. It's the one thing the military life has changed about me forever...be it good or bad. I guess something was bound to change.

Little things can make so much difference in our lives. This morning my son was walking to his classroom and he kept looking at me with this huge grin as he walked. Suddenly he stopped, grinned even bigger and gave me a thumbs up. I have no idea what that was about, but it was so cute.
Yesterday I was feeling awful and my sister, who I usually don't ask to help out because it's a struggle, mothered me and took care of my son who was being a pain. It was so nice to be sick and just be. Not have to worry about anything.
Today I was talking to my husband online and he found a website that lets us watch streaming music videos together. It was so great knowing we were seeing the same thing at the same time. Something so small made him seem not so far away.
It's the little things..

Ok so I found something I absolutely hate about this gorgeous state. Where I live it stinks. We went out to go get something to put in Gabe's lunch for tomorrow. We made it out the gate and it hit us like a ton of brinks. Nothing like a cool breeze and the smell of rotten pineapple to make you feel like you're in paradise. It seriously reeks.
I guess it's what we get since we get to enjoy the smell of jasmine most of the time.

I haven't had much to say the past few days because I've been sick. It started Thursday and I have been fighting a slight fever off and on. I tried to get an appointment friday but I couldn't. Hopefully I'll be all better in the next few days.

There are other things going on in my head and heart that I don't feel like putting here yet. Just please send some good vibes or prayers my way. I could really use them right now.

When do we get to say enough is enough. I'm not going to miss you anymore because it hurts too bad. This is where I am. I just want to say "I quit" and that be the end of it. No more crying myself to sleep because I am sick and wish he was here to just hold me. No more being disappointed because the internet is constantly cutting out on his end so we don't get to enjoy each other's company as much anymore or because he has a last minute something that he has to do because it's his job and after alll that's why he is so far away in the first place. I understand why all of these are going on and it may seem petty but I'm just tired. I am tired of hurting. I am tired of missing you so damn much that I can't breathe and I wish I could take a break. I wish that seeing you on that screen still made me happy instead of making me want to cry because I can't reach out and touch you. I hate knowing I have forgotten what you feel like, what you smell like. I've forgotten so much.
I know I can't stop missing you. That would mean I would have to not love you anymore and even if I wanted that, I couldn't. It's just too deep. I dont' want to though. I really just want this to be over so we don't have to hurt anymore. I say we because I know how much it hurts you too...even if you don't tell me..I know.
Oh well Tomorrow is another day with new issues. HOpefully it will bring some peace too. We're in teh double digits now so we're getting closer to the end. The only problem with seeing the light at the end of the tunnel is not being able to get to it fast enough. Like a suffocating man who knows air is where that light is...he just can't seem to get there fast enough. That's me right now.

Ok so I was a little bored so I copied Rebecca here.

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF) You are a passionate, caring, and unique person. You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals. You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily. Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings. You seek out other empathetic people to befriend. Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships. In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily. At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career. With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone. As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style. On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

Your Quirk Factor: 52%

You're a pretty quirky person, but you're just normal enough to hide it. Congratulations - you've fooled other people into thinking you're just like them!

I'm not sure how much I have people fooled though.

You Are Likely an Only Child

At your darkest moments, you feel frustrated. At work and school, you do best when you're organizing. When you love someone, you tend to worry about them. In friendship, you are emotional and sympathetic. Your ideal careers are: radio announcer, finance, teaching, ministry, and management. You will leave your mark on the world with organizational leadership, maybe as the author of self-help books.

Nope..sorry. I'm the oldest of three.

You Are a Centaur

In general, you are a very cautious and reserved person. However, you are also warm hearted, and you enjoy helping others in practical ways. You are a great teacher, and you are really good at helping people get their lives in order. You are very intuitive, and you go with your gut. You make good decisions easily.

You Are The Chariot

You represent a difficult battle, and a well-deserved victory. You tend to struggle to get what you want, both internally and externally. You excel at controlling opposing forces, getting down the same path. In the end, you bring glory and success - using pure will to move forward. Your fortune: There is great conflict in your life right now, either with yourself or others. You must find a solution to this conflict, which is likely to be a "middle road" between the two forces. You posses the skills to triumph over these struggles, as long as your will is strong. You are transforming your inner self, building a better foundation for future successes.

This one was scary true. I can't tell you how true.

Ok last one for the night.

Your Candy Heart Says "Hug Me"

A total sweetheart, you always have a lot of love to give out. Your heart is open to where ever love takes you! Your ideal Valentine's Day date: a surprise romantic evening that you've planned out Your flirting style: lots of listening and talking What turns you off: fighting and conflict Why you're hot: you're fearless about falling in love

I feel like I'm going crazy. That's the only way to explain my feelings today. It's like someone is inside my head screaming at me and I'm emotionally all over the place. It got so bad that I ended up taking an extra half dose of my "happy pills" as my sister calls them. I feel a little calmer but I still am emotionally unstable. I just have to keep tellig myself that It's going to be ok and I will be better soon. I hope it's just because I didn't sleep enough. I can't go crazy again. I really can't.

I've had so much to say the past few days but never had the time to blog it. This is probably going to all come out very random, so please be patient.
I don't know how much you remember me saying about the noisy neighbors. I honestly though that with as much as we complained, none of them would want to have anything to do with us, but I was wrong. See it's two sets of neighbors that hang out together and the other night while my sister and I were outside the husband of one came outside and introduced himself to us. He started asking us why we were never outside and just talking to us about us. It was nice. He is a little...out there..but is a really nice guy. His wife came out while we were out there and she came over. She was talking to us and in the conversation it came out that all of that group thought we didn't like them because we never said hi or anything. We said we didn't think they'd want us to talk to them because we complained about the noise. She said it was normal neighbor stuff and not to worry about it. We ended up hitting it off really great. She is a very sweet person. When she found out my husband was gone, she handed me a stack of greeting cards that were really sweet and romantic. She just gave them to me! I think they were leftover from when she had been deployed. So it all worked out...now I'm not going to feel bad when I have to ask them to turn it down.

My son has been proving a challenge the past few days. First it was me getting fussed at by the bus driver because apparently he won't sit down on the bus. I have done everything I could to get him to understand the need to sit down, but without being physically there, he's not getting it. He has a tendency to need to be physically shown things before he gets it. I think what is happening is that when they stop he thinks its time to get off so he stands up. I don't know, but she said she was going to start writing him up. I'm seriously considering talking to the student services coordinator to see if there is something that we can do. I need him to be able to ride the bus. The next issue is his current obsession with "boobies." Now I know it's an innocent obsession because he thinks Superman has boobies. We've tried to get him to call it a chest instead of boobies, but it's not sticking. It was getting better until last night when he brought me a picture he had drawn. I asked him what it was before I looked at it and he said "It's boobies" and sure enough, it was. The person he had drawn had breasts. Now I know a lot of you are laughing, my husband did. I'm not though. Sure it's cute, but it also is stressful. I can't figure out what the deal is or how to talk to him about it. I am terrified he's going to start drawing them at school and the teachers are going to be mad. He has gone up to someone before and said "You have boobies? I have boobies like Superman" thankfully they just laughed, but that's not always going to be the case. With kids getting suspended for sexual harassment in kindergarten, I'm scared to death.

Have I mentioned how much I hate car shopping? Seriously, I hate it. I have no idea what I'm doing and I feel so scattered about it all. Of course I'm practically alone doing it because my sister has lots of opinions but they are all about what she likes. I would like to say I'm shopping for what I like, but I have no freaking clue what I like. Last time we car shopped, our options were extremely limited and I didn't have to figure it all out myself. Why couldn't my car have waited a few more months to die on me?

Basically this has been the insanity that has been my past few days. I have dealt with my emotional breakdowns, my sister being extremely moody even though she totally denies it., my son's obsessions and clinginess, and quite frankly I'm tired. I have been going to bed early and getting a lot of sleep, but I still feel worn. I really wish I could have a few days where I don't have to worry about anything but eating, sleeping, and maybe watching a little tv or reading a book. Yeah...like that will ever happen.

I know there were other things I was going to write about, but I have no idea what they were. Maybe I'll remember later, but I think I've bored you enough.

Today it was really hot. Or at least to me. To most of the people on the mainland it was cool. It was around 85F I guess. I have no air conditioning so it felt like I was going to melt in my house. Then the power went out and that meant our ceiling fans didn't work either. We went outside to escape the stuffy heat. It was probably around 80F at this point and I just felt so hot. Sweating so badly that my clothes were sticking to me.
The power is back on and I'm laying in my bed. My fan is blowing on me and I've had a shower so I'm feeling nice and cool. I was reflecting on how hot I was today and looked down at my status bar. I have something on it that tells me the temperature here and where my husband is. It's 78F here and feels nice. Then it switched to my husband's temperature. Where he is it is currently 111F. Talk about made me feel petty. I think I'll stop complaining about the heat and start praying it cools off for him some soon.

More than ever, I admire these men and women over there spending their days out in that horrible heat in full gear all so I can have the freedoms I do. Thank you doesn't even come close to saying enough of how grateful I am, but for now it will have to suffice. From the bottom of my heart, thank you!

This came in an email from the chaplain that is stationed with my husband's unit. I just thought I'd share it with you. I know some of you have already seen it, but I still felt led to share.

Some people question why American forces are in Iraq. They watch the news and are disturbed by what is happening in Baghdad and have given up. The only viable solution is to leave because nothing will change. True, the current state in Baghdad is bad and it’s easy to agree with these folks. This morning though I was given a very clear reminder why we are here: hope. My assistant and I had been out last night visiting Soldiers working the night shift. We came back to the office about sunrise and what you see in these pictures hit us in the face.

Beauty. Even in Iraq. No matter what happened yesterday the sun still came up today. And it will do so tomorrow. And the day after that. I am reminded of this truth: “In the morning, O Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait in expectation.” (Psalm 5:3). If not but for the grace of God every one of us would be in much worse conditions than we are now. Every day we awaken we have the opportunity to turn and hear God and what He has for us. That is hope. That is purpose. That is a reason for living.

We are here because these people need that opportunity as well.

This morning I witnessed something that made me smile and feel so proud of the school my son is going to. We once again arrived just before the tardy bell and I am so glad we did because if we hadn't I wouldn't have seen it. My son's school plays Reveille every morning as they raise the flag and then they say the pledge. The teachers teach the kids to stand with their hands over thier heart and be respectful as they place the flag. No this is not a DoD school. This is a Hawaii state public school. They just have THAT much respect for the military.
So back to the story. I was walking back to the car when they started Reveille and out of habit I stopped and faced the flag with my hand over my heart until they were done. I almost cried at the pride I felt at what I saw. The kids that do the crossing guard duty stand by the flag until it is raised and I saw three boys saluting the flag. Now I know that's not protocol, but it says a lot about the values instilled in these kids. I had no problem saying the pledge as a child, but didn't feel the pride that these kids were displaying. I am so glad that my son is going to a school that is teaching him this pride. I'll be honest. It wasn't until my husband was in the military that I developed a strong sense of pride. I am so glad my son will get this so early on.

This post is really for my husband and for me to express my relief. I know my husband will read this and I'm likely to forget to tell him next time we talk, so here goes..

I'm already seeing a good deal of improvement in my son wanting to learn things and do more educational things. He is even improving speech wise. Tonight he was talking about what he wants to do at school tomorrow and said he wanted to use wizzers and cut cut cut. I asked him if he meant scissors and he said 'yeah! Scissors!" he actually said scissors and said it correctly. That is a big deal because I've been working on that one for a very long time. Tonight he also sat still and let me read him an entire book. On about every other page he wanted to count the turtles on it. He enthusiastically answered questions I asked him and though he still needs work on things, the fact he wanted me to read to him for so long was absolutely wonderful. I love that his teacher is helping him so much. She seems to know his learning style very well.

This afternoon his behavior was a lot better when we were out. We were shopping for a water bottle for him to bring to school every day and couldn't seem to find one anywhere. He behaved his way through three different stores. I never got frustrated with him and it was so nice. Later we discussed classroom behavior and he was telling me what he had to do without prompting. I am so thrilled he is so excited. I am actually looking forward to him going to school tomorrow.

Ok so I decided to change the video finally. I love this song and it's so stuck in my head. For those of you sitting there wondering who this group is, let me introduce you to Danity Kane. They are the women that are featured on the show Making The Band on MTV. They were put togehther by Puffy Combs and I just stumbled on the show this past season. I have fallen in love with their sound and style. Their album comes out on the 22nd and I so can't wait. I will definintely be buying it. Hope you like it.

Show Stopper
Danity Kane

We in the car, we ride slow
We doin' things that the girls don't do
The boys stare, we smile back
All my girls in the rainbow Cadillacs, yeah

[Aubrey]
Show stoppin' at the latest bar
The ride shinin' with the open top
Hydraulics make our heads go nod
Hair blowin' in the breeze
Yo, we superstars

[D. Woods]
Put in the keys, make that engine purr
3 in the back, one in the passenger
Slow creepin', 'cause we look that fly
All the boys tryin' taste our candy ride

[Group - Shannon lead vocal]
We in the car, we ride slow
We doin' things that the girls don't do
The boys stare, we smile back
All my girls in the rainbow Cadillacs, yeah

[Chorus - Group]
Bet you ain't never seen
Chicks ridin' this clean
Louis Vuitton seats
We do it deadly
That's how we keep it poppin'
Make sure that bass knockin'
So when you see us ridin'
We call it show stoppin'

We show stoppin'
We show, show stoppin'
We show stoppin'
We show, show stoppin'
That's how we keep it poppin'
Make sure that bass knockin'
So when you see us ridin'
We call it show stoppin'

[Aundrea]
We sittin' on 22s plus 2
Mink bucket seats, neon blue
Color coordinate with them shoes
Yeah, we divas
But we ride like big boys do

[D. Woods]
Black tinted with a white stripe interstate
Lookin' in the mirror at my Bad Boy fitted ,yup
Show stoppin' 'til they lose their breath
Turn the wheel to the right
Turn the wheel to the left

[Hook- Group- Shannon lead vocals]

[Chorus- Dawn ad-libs]

[Dawn]
This is for my ladies in the 280s Mercedes
In the H3, Baby Ranges, Bentley Coupes, my Escalades
Say oh, oh
Break 'em off somethin' proper
Like a real show stopper

[Group- Dawn lead vocal]
This is for my chicas with the Beamers A6s
'67 Chevys, Maserati, or a Lexus
Say oh, oh
Break 'em off somethin' proper
Like a real show stopper

[Instrumental Break]

[Chorus]

[Dawn]
Tonight we goin' swervin'
Bustin' slides, hittin' curbs
And ghost ridin' on the whips
Hit tonight
That's what it's gonna be about
Watch my trunk go bouncy bounce
Girls gon' ridin'

[Group - Shannon & Aubrey lead vocal- 2x]
I know you see a wifey
But peep my ride go hyphy

Ok I know I spend a lot of time venting, but that is really what I started this blog for. It's my therapy. My way of getting things out before I explode and right now I feel like I'm about to become a big mess on the wall.
I am so freaking tired of the fact that the only conversation I get to have with my husband are the ones that require me to try and figure out the tone of what he means or wonder if he is saying something just to make me happy or really means it. I want a face to face conversation that isn't delayed. I want to see him smile when I say something sweet or funny. Phone conversations help a little because I can tell by the tone of his voice if he's ok, but those are few and sometimes far between.
I'm so glad that we are on the downward slope of this deployment. I'm beyond ready for it to be over. I miss my husbnad. He just needs to come home already.

My son is now in kindergarten.(Insert pathetic sniffles here) He loves school. He has a wonderful teacher and just really loves the whole experience. He even gets excited about wearing the t-shirt they wear Monday through Thursday. Today was his first full day and he seemed happy enough but exhausted by the end of it. Tomorrow he gets to ride the bus home. Can we say nervous Mommy here.
Wednesday afternoon we met with the Speech Therapist,Student Services Coordinator, Kindergarten Special Education teacher, and his current teacher. It was basically a discussion to figure out if my son's behaviorism and speech warranted farther evaluation. It was unanimously agreed that it did so for the next month he will have three evaluations as well as his teacher's daily observations. After that we will be sitting down again together to discuss their findings and recommendations. The big concern right now is both his speech and his constant need for one on one, hands on attention to get his work done. His teacher is wonderful about that, but she has a big class and can't spend all of her time with him.
Today was a very big realization of that for me. I went to pick him up and as I was walking towards his class, I saw him wondering around the grassy area near his class. I honestly believe he would have headed into the parking lot had he not seen me when he did. This scared me. His teacher had no clue he was out of the classroom until I told her. Not the most comforting feeling. He apparently went out the other open door she wasn't standing at. She promised she would keep it closed to keep it from happening again. My sister said that I had no reason to blame the teacher at all, but I feel differently. It is her job to know where my son is until I pick him up or he is on his bus. I trust her wit that. Should my son have wandered off when he did, no and he was punished for it. To me that doesn't totally exclude her from blame. She has told me for the past three days that she had him about his tendency to wander off on his own when left unattended. Knowing this, I feel she should have taken the precautions to keep it from happening or at least checked once in a while to make sure he was still in the room. I don't know. Maybe I'm wrong, but it bothered me all the same. I need to know that he's safe there. I have enough of a hard time with him being there to have to add worrying about if he is going to wander out of the cafeteria and into the street while no one is looking. They leave those doors open all day.
On top of agreeing to the evaluations, they strongly suggested that I push for a referral from his doctor to a behavioral psychologist to pursue the matter more than they can. We have had several people mention over the past year that he seems to have characteristics of children with a certain disorder and I honestly would like to just have everything ruled out. I don't want my son to be labeled, but I do want to be able to help him. I want to be able to teach him and talk to him without feeling frustrated. I want to one day be able to have a conversation with him where I'm not piecing in the words and trying to figure out what really happened or if he's off in his own world again. I just want to learn how to be better with him and maybe not feel like I'm failing him so much.

Ok so apparently I've been tagged by Amy. Here goes nothing.

Five items in my freezer
- Superhero and crayon shaped popsicles
- meat..lots of meat
- A good bit of frozen apple and orange juice
- Ice cream that really should be thrown away.
- frozen veggies
Five items in the closet (Using the closet in my bedroom)
- My husband's assorted uniforms
- vacuum cleaner
- a ton of Army stuff that I don't even know why he has it, but it doesn't really matter
- Some shelves with assorted useless crap on it.
- boxes...empty boxes that have no purpose really.
Five items in the car
- My son's booster chair
- A pillow
- trash...we really need to clean the car out.
- beach necessities...I do live in Hawaii after all
- board games....don't ask
Five items in my purse
- wallet
- gum
- pen
- lip gloss
- Altoids
Five people I shove mercilessly and force into being ‘it’ tag (Amy stole like three of mine):

Rebecca
Heidi
Katie
Charles
Keith

Guys..I know you don't carry a purse...do wallet instead...

I so wish I could say that. I wish I could wake up tomorrow and say "I'm not going to cry anymore over this." Unfortunately, as emotional as I've been lately, that's not likely to happen. First it was the deployment convoy, then the soldier walking through walmart in uniform, and today it was a commercial of couples talking about their first kiss and a few sappy country songs. Little things have my eyes welling up and me wishing for him to be home already. What is going on with all the crying? It's driving me nuts. Between this and my son starting school, I feel like the world's biggest baby. I want to yell at myself "Get over it already!!!!" Hopefully it's just a phase. Hopefully I'll be back to whatever form of normal I was at or at least not so likely to burst into tears without notice.

I stole this from someone else's blog. Seemed like fun to me. Sorry, don't have the more tag right now.

*Pick your birth month.

* Strike out anything that doesn’t apply to you.

* Bold the five-ten that best apply to you.

* Copy to your own journal, with all twelve months under a More… tag.

JUNE
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.



JANUARY
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Always looking at people’s flaws and weaknesses. Likes to criticize. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Romantic but has difficulties expressing love. Loves children. Loyal. Has great social abilities yet easily jealous. Very stubborn and money cautious.

FEBRUARY
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizes dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

MARCH
Attractive personality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves attention. Hasty decisions in choosing partners. Loves home decors. Musically talented. Loves special things. Moody.

APRIL
Active and dynamic. Decisive and hasty but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people’s problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest. Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.

MAY
Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Systematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited. Spendthrift.

JUNE
Thinks far with vision. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite and soft-spoken. Having ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitating, tends to delay. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Knows how to make friends. Able to show character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. Loves to dress up. Easily bored. Fussy. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand conscious. Executive. Stubborn.

JULY
Fun to be with. Secretive. Difficult to fathom and to be understood. Quiet unless excited or tensed. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation. Easily consoled. Honest. Concerned about people’s feelings. Tactful. Friendly. Approachable. Emotional temperamental and unpredictable. Moody and easily hurt. Witty and sparkly. Not revengeful. Forgiving but never forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and unnecessary things. Guides others physically and mentally. Sensitive and forms impressions carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. Hardworking. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Always broods about the past and the old friends. Likes to be quiet. Homely person. Waits for friends. Never looks for friends. Not aggressive unless provoked. Prone to having stomach and dieting problems. Loves to be loved. Easily hurt but takes long to recover.

AUGUST:
Loves to joke. Attractive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. Firm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride in oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and cautious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring. Loves to make friends.

SEPTEMBER
Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Likes to point out people’s mistakes. Likes to criticize. Stubborn. Quiet but able to talk well. Calm and cool. Kind and sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal but not always honest. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Good memory. Clever and knowledgeable. Loves to look for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Fun to be around. Secretive. Loves leisure and traveling. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings. Very choosy, especially in relationships. Systematic.

OCTOBER
Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to take things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Lies but doesn’t pretend. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Daydreamer. Opinionated. Does not care of what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance. Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence. Loves children.

NOVEMBER
Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets. Not able to control emotions. Unpredictable.

DECEMBER
Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Active in games and interactions. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor. Logical.

For the past seven months I've wondered if I made the right decision in saying goodbye to my husband from home instead of going to the base to put him on the bus. Tonight I found out that I absolutely did the right thing. I never would have been able to handle putting him on that bus. How do I know this? A very large unit from the base is deploying and tonight was the night a rather large number of them left. We were on our way to the base to pick up some food and passed the convoy that was headed out to go to the airport. My sister asked what all of the buses were for and I told her. After that I burst into tears. Sobbing my way through the gate I realized that if having to see strangers do that made me sob, I would have never made it through putting my husband on the bus.
I miss him so much.

Today was an interesting day for me. My darling son had orientation for kindergarten. Whe had to be there at 7:55 and spent the first half hour with him in his class. Now my son has never been in any kind of daycare or preschool. He also has a speech delay that we haven't been able to get anyone to help with until reccently. I was so scared that he would have a teacher who would be easily frustrated with his inability to speak clearly. I prayed and prayed that God would give us a good teacher or get his evaluation before his class started so he would have some help. Imagine my joy when his teacher told us she was a speech therapist before becoming a teacher! We had to go to the cafeteria and meet with the vice principal and that finished early so my sister and I left the school. It was so hard. I don't know why, but it was. He had so much fun and was begging me all afternoon to go back. Friday he has a half day so we will see how we both do. I'm sure i'll cry like a baby.

Do you really think you know me? I know that you come here and read about me, but how well do you really know me? Now you get to find out and maybe learn a little about me. If you do a quiz of your own, let me know and I'll check it out. I hope you have fun with it!

I took a picture tonight so you could see the changes in my face since April. It was April 4th that I was officially diagnosed with Bell's Palsy and it has taken a lot of waiting for me to get to where I am now. I had finally accepted that I might never get my smile back and maybe that is what it took.



It may not look like it, but I'm actually smiling in the first picture.

My husband has the soul of a poet and I am so blessed to reap the benefits of it. I received this email yesterday...

I just wanted to tell you how much I love you, but I can't exactly find the words to express something that deep. I know you understand, because I can feel that same love coming from you to me. That overwhelming sense of belonging, joy, peace, and completeness that you feel with me is the same that I feel for you. We truely do love each other the same. It is a love that goes beyond human understanding because it comes from God Himself. We truely are a rare thing.. we are soul mates. As if one soul in two bodies.. but even our flesh has become one. You and I are no longer individuals but one. Like two rivers, once they join, you can not seperate their waters. After they have joined you can not say that this water belongs to the Euphrates or that water belongs to the Tigris. They are as inseperable as you and I. And although we have been seperated by the miles.. our hearts and souls are still as one heart and one soul.
So, I love you not only with all of my heart and soul... I love you with all of our heart and soul.

Needless to say, I balled like a baby. I am so lucky to have such a wonderful husband and to know that I feel exactly the same way he does. For someone who had no words, he sure did a wonderful job of finding some.

I do have to admit something though. I'm scared. The closer we get to reuniting, the more I have this since of panic. What if I'm not what he remembers? What if we don't click as well as we did before or while he was home on R&R? It's been almost two years since we've had any semblance of a normal life together and I'm really scared I won't know how to do it anymore. The last thing I want in this world is to lose this man who means the world to me. How ironic that I'm more scared of losing him after he comes home than I have been of losing him to the war.

I smiled today. A real smile. Not quite one like I had before April, but still it was more of a smile than I hoped I ever would get back. It was almost complete. I sat and stared at it in awe for a while. Now I can't wait for my husband to see it.

What is with the wierd dreams? I have been having some doozies lately, but last night had to be the strangest one ever. Lately it seems like if I'm not dreaming something incredibly odd, I'm dreaming about babies. What I wouldn't give for a night where I dreamt something sane or even nothing at all. I'd share the dreams here, but I don't want you to think I'm any more insane that you already do.

I've been meaning to post, but everytime I get the chance, all of the neat things I thought to say totally leave me. I hate that.
Not a lot going on. Things are a little quieter on the neighbor front. I have had to go over a total of three times. The last time I went I heard someone in the background say "uhoh. It's the white folks" and that totally pissed me off. I mean I hardly ever complain and they have had their music like that for MONTHS! Does my house really need to shake for you to enjoy your music? I swear it's so loud I rang the doorbell then knocked loudly for five minutes only to have to stand there until someone saw me.It gets old people.
My son starts school in a week and I am terrified. I haven't been away from him very much since he's been born so this is going to be interesting for both of us. My husband is convinced I'll love the time to myself. I'm convinced I'll do a lot of worrying about him. At least at first. He is very excited. Almost every day he says something about school. I am really glad he's so excited. It makes it a little easier on me.
My sister is here and honestly starting to work my nerves. She is a know it all and lately one with a bad attitude. It really annoys me how if I say or do something she perceives as an attitude she gets really pissed at me but if she does the same thing then it's ok. She has been even more moody since her boyfriend went away to school for a few months. She doesn't help around the house but complains when something isn't done. She doesn't have to pay for anything and trust me, I've spent a lot of money having her here, but she doesn't seem to appreciate any of it. It's like I can never do anything right. She acts like she is better than me at everything and it's totally wrecking the shred of self confidence I had built up before she came. Don't get me wrong. I love her to death, but having her here this long has proven to begin to be not so great. She is going home for a month or so then coming back. Thankfully not long after she comes back she will be moving in with her boyfriend and we will be getting very close to my husband coming home.
We are getting closer and I so can't wait. Is it Christmas yet?