Just Simply Jen

It was six months ago tomorrow that I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. Six months ago today I totally lost control of the muscles in the right side of my face. I have had all of that time to get used to the fact that I may never be 'normal' again. Now I have gotten a lot of my mouth back. My doctor for my leg said he couldn't even tell. I can close my eye, but I can't move my eyebrow or anything on my forehead on that side. I still dribble drink because I can't fully close my mouth. I still have trouble eating loud foods with the quietness I once had. I have always been one who is easily annoyed by open mouthed eating and here I am seeming to have that exact problem sometimes. The muscle under my eye twitches uncontrollably because of the nerve regeneration. When I try to chew or drink with a straw on the right side, my mouth pulls the muscle under my eye down like when you scrunch your face up and my eye starts to close. It is a very annoying thing. I know people deal with this for a long time and there are some that never have full recovery. I thought I had dealt with that and since I had most of my smile back I was ok, but I guess I was wrong. I won't go into why I'm not, but I'm not. I hate this. I want to scream. I'm tired of dropping food onto my shirt. I've always been the one that did that but now it's even worse. I'm tired of so many little things that I never even thought about before. What frustrates me most is there is no knowing why this happened. It was just a random thing that I happened to get. November will signal the end of one really odd health year. A year filled with mysterious infections and illnesses. I so hope next year is much better and I'll be honest, I'm a little scared to see what the rest of this and next month holds for me. I just pray my face is a little more back to normal before my husband gets home. I hate not being whole for him. I know he doesn't care, but I do. I really do. I remember how the kisses felt different and how frustrating that was. I don't want that again. I want to be 'normal.' whatever that means.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't want to hear me whine. Like I said, I'm usually really ok with all of this. I guess I just had a moment where I wasn't. Sometimes it's hard to accept completely an imperfection in ourselves. Especially when we have absolutely no control over it. That's all I really want. A little more control.