Just Simply Jen

I'm horrible because hew as telling me he got to go out and saw some Iraqi children. He was going on about how great it was and how cute it was and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't happy for him. Then it hit me. I was jealous. I was jealous for my son. When I told him, he thought I was upset because I wanted to see him and reprimanded me with "you will get to see plenty of me" I told him I was ok with that...well as ok as I can be, but my jealousy was that he should be with my son not someone else's children. My son is only going to be this age once and he's going to miss all of it. I mean I will send pictures and letters and videos, but come on...who am I kidding. That's not the same. With us being military there is no guarantee that we will see plenty of him for the next however many years he is in the Army. I have barely seen him for the past ten months! For almost two years my son will have gone without a regular every day daddy. Even the whole three months we were under the same roof after basic and ait..he was hardly ever home. When we woke up he was at work. He came home later and later and would usually be so tired he'd fall asleep not long after he was home. Most weekends something would happen and he'd have to go in to work. So I got a little mad when he said that. To his defense, I'm very hormonal today and he did agree that it was different for my son than it was for me. He totally understood and respected my feelings. Before you think I'm totally horrible, I did apologize and tell him I truly am glad that he enjoyed himself. I didn't mean for this to turn into such a long rant.

Don't get me wrong. I love hearing from my husband and really will welcome hearing his voice again, but I have this odd nagging feeling that something is wrong. I can't think of anything that could possibly be wrong, but I just can't shake it. Maybe he's just missing me a lot, I don't know. This is driving me nuts though. This is what I hate about the situation. I can't call him and find out what the deal is so now I play the waiting game. I so hope that I'm wrong and he was just wanting to talk to me or something. I don't know.
I made Turkey Tacos tonight. When I tasted them just after I added the seasoning, I was less than impressed. Once I had mine all put together it was so delicous. My son even liked his a lot. We had plenty leftover so we will be having them for lunch or supper again tomorrow.
I'm thinking I might need to invest in one of those postal scales. I keep sending letters that I know are more than one stamp, but I'm not sure how much more. I am sure I am over postaging a lot of stuff. I don't know if they would really be worth it thoguh.
I signed up for Ebay a week ago and was bidding on something I really wanted. The auction closed today and at the last minute I was outbid by a dollar. Being new to the process, I didn't even consider checking my email close to closing time. I regret that now. Gotta learn somehow.
During the past two days I think I have shared more about myself with a group of ladies than I have with almost anyone. I have been trying to figure out where I draw the line. I mean I have never been so comfortable sharing with anyone so I'm just sort of shocked. To think it all started with an innocent question. I will admit that it is really nice to be myself for a little while. I don't get that chance too often anymore.

there's no number 1!

2. Are you a lover or a fighter? Both

3. What's your worst fear? Lately, my husband not coming home.

4. As a kid were you a lego maniac? not really

5. What do you think of reality tv? Depends on the show

6. Do you chew on straws? yes. Totally have an oral fixation.

7. Were you a cute baby? Yes. My son looked like me too.

8. Is the single life for you? No!!

9. What color is your keyboard? Black

10. Do you sing in the shower? Sometimes

11. Have you ever bungee jumped? No way in hell you are getting me to do this.

12. Any secret talents? sure but they are only for a lucky few to know ;)

13. What's your ideal vacation spot? anywhere with my husband.

14. Is Jay Leno funny? Rarely

15. Have you eaten sushi? MMMM Yummy.

16. Have you ever seen the movie, Donnie Darko? Never heard of it.

17. Do you give a damn about the ozone? Yes of course

18. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop? How ever many you lick before you are there.

19. Can you recite the alphabet backwards? Yep

20. Have you ever been on an airplane? No, I swam to Hawaii.
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23. What's your stand on hunting? Only kill what you are going to eat and shoot to kill.

25. Do you like your handwriting? Yes

26. What are you allergic to? lots of airborne stuff.

27. When was the last time you said "I love you"? Not taht long ago.

28. Is Elvis still alive? No.

29. Do you cry at weddings? yes

30. How do you like your eggs? Scrambled with cheese

31. Are blondes dumb? Some are but so are others with different hair colors.

32. Where does the other sock end up? Dogs steal them and use them to barter on the doggy black market.

33. What time is it? 21:17

34. Do you have a nickname? Baby and Jen

35. Is McDonalds disgusting? Sometimes

36. When was the last time you were in a car? About two weeks ago.

37. Do you prefer showers or baths? baths if I have a really big bathtub..otherwise a shower

38. Is Santa Clause real? In spirit yes.

39. Do you like to have your neck kissed? mmmm yes

40. Are you afraid of the dark? sometimes
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41. What are you addicted to? the internet

42. Crunchy or creamy peanut butter? Creamy

43. Can you crack your neck? No

44. Have you ever been inside an ambulance? no

45. How many times have you brushed your teeth today? 1

46. Is drug free the way to be? Yes!!

47. What color are your eyes? hazel/grey/bluish

49. When's the last time you cried? Yesterday when my husband told me he needed me.

50. Do you like your life? Most of the time.

51. Who's better mac or pc? PC

52. Are you psychic? Depends on what you view as psychic.

53. Have you ever read "Catcher in the Rye"? No

54. Do you play an instrument? no

55. Have you ever stolen money? No

56. Can you snowboard? No

57. Do you like camping? Yes!!

58. Do you snort when you laugh? Sometimes

59. Do you believe in magic? Yes

60. Are dogs a mans best friend? depends on the dog and the man

61. Do you believe in divorce? In certain situations yes

62. Can you do the moonwalk? I have no idea

63. Do you make a lot of mistakes? yeah I think I probably do.

64. Is it cold outside today? never

65. What was the last thing you ate? chicken nuggets, mac-n-cheese and baby carrots.

66. Do you wear nailpolish? very rarely

68. What's the most annoying TV commercial? almost all of them

69. Do you shop at American Eagle? No

70. Favorite band at the moment? I don't have one.


I know...you are thinking "did we really need to know all of this" humor me. I was bored and this just was more fun than doing dishes.

A few years ago I wouldn't have cared. I was a night person easy. A few months ago, four hours of sleep a night would have been more than enough. Apparently all of that has changed greatly because I'm a freaking zombie. Oh well. At least I haven't been cranky.
I've been talking to my husband a lot the past few days. Not really talking at the same time, but doing a lot of leaving messages and emails for eachother. It has been really awesome and we have some pretty great communication going. We have had some really intimate discussions. I have always had to drag his thoughts concerning intimacy out of him, but lately they are pouring out of him. Today he told me he needed me bad. I don't know what it was about him saying that, but it got to me. I mean trust me, I need him like crazy, but I never expected to hear him say that. If I was honest, he could find someone there to relieve his frustration. I'm sure he could, but he doens't want to. He needs me..to me that implies more than just sex. That just got to me and as much as I tried to stop it, I had a nice cry after we talked. I miss him so much. Thankfully it's not paralizing like it once was, and after my cry I was fine. I have a feeling we are going to learn a lot about eachother.
I asked a simple question yesterday on a forum and ended unleashing some sort of perverse monster. I learned way more about this group of women than I ever expected. In the process I learned that compared to most of them..I'm really really freaky. Not a bad thing in my book.
There is really nothing else to report. At least, nothing I care to report. I hope to get a lot of cleaning done this weekend and if it stops raining, I need to go for a walk or something. Really need to get my son out of this house. I was actually tempted to get him outside in the rain today. I hope it stops soon.

It rained all day off and on. The weather is so weird here. I went out to check the mail and when I opened the door, it was pouring down rain..I'm talking a river running to the drainage area pouring down rain. I checked on my spider plant that is under the covered area and within two minutes it went to a drizzle and the sun was out.
The mail held two wonderful letters from my husband. The first one was your normal "how are you, I'm fine..this is what's going on" type of letter. Short and too the point. Typical husband stuff. He included some of his drawings with them and I will share my favorite ones in a separate post. The second letter was definitely something I wasn't expecting..well I was expecting it because he told me he had sent me a "crude" letter...his words..not mine. I wouldn't say this letter was crude but it certainly was a blood warmer. I so love that man.
The rest of the day was spent hanging out sort of. I had planned on us getting out of the house and going for a walk and to the playgrounds, but the rain kept us in. My son ended up falling asleep for a little while and I tried to lie down, but I couldn't really rest. I was worried about him because he hadn't eaten all day and didn't eat much yesterday either. He just wasn't really being himself. I guess he was tired. When he woke up he asked for pizza and I went ahead and got it. I really just wanted to have him eat something. Apparently he's not all that hungry or something because he didn't eat very much at all. Enough that I won't worry, but not his normal appetite. I'm hoping he's not getting sick, but I'm going to try and not obsess about it. Just watch him over the next few days.
My husband messaged me a few minutes ago and we talked just a few minutes then he had to go. He said he's going to try and get online again later in his day so hopefully I'll be able to talk to him then. Of course all of this talking to him means I probably won't hear from him for another week. That seems to be how it goes, but that's ok. I'm taking what I can get and the rest of the time I'm writing letters to him. That is making all of the difference. I didn't realize how much of a difference it made but it really does.
It is still raining so I'm not really seeing us going to the playground. I'm finally feeling a little better, so I will try and get some cleaning done and find something fun for me and my son to do. I hope he is more himself tomorrow. He's been spending a lot of time playing in his room and all but ignoring me. I think he's just missing his daddy. My husband promised me that he would try and get a letter or drawing or something out to my son today. I hope he can stick with it. I know it's not always something he can control, but I really hope he can. My son needs to hear from his Dad. He finally talked to him on the phone last week and that was a major breakthrough. My son has been refusing to talk to my husband so when he took the phone from me and talked to him, we were both relieved. I always let him hear him. I keep it on speaker phone as long as the conversation is appropriate.
Well I'm going to post the pictures and then head to bed. Here's to more good days!

1. Who was your first love?
Joey

2. Who was your first kiss and when?
My husband when I was 20

3. Who was your first prom date?
I only went to my senior prom and I went with a group of friends.

4. Who was your first room mate?
Well I was roommates with both of my sisters at some point growing up...but outside of that it was Daniel

5. What alcoholic beverage did you drink when you got drunk the first time?
Actually it was several different drinks. It was vodka, Jack Daniels Peach wine coolers, some strawberry daquari drink, and some other wine cooler.

6. Who was your first sexual partner?
My Husband

7. What was your first job?
Babysitting, but my first official job where I filed taxes and all that was at Bo's Videos. I really liked working there.

8. When did you go to your first funeral?
I was 19 and the man who was like a grandfather to me...really so much more. He was always there for me when I needed anythin..anyway when he passed away unexpectedly in his sleep.

9. How old were you when you first moved away from your hometown?
I was 20

10. Who was your first grade teacher?
Ms. Elder

11. Where did you go on your first ride on an airplane?
From Louisiana to Minnesota

12. Where did you go for your first date and who was it with?
It was with my husband and we went to a deli and then we went to a park that had miniature golf and bumper boats and all of that but it was closed so we sat in the back of his truck and talked and shared a cherry coke and a bag of orange slices.

13. When you snuck out of your house for the first time, who was it with?
Never did

14. Who was your first Best Friend and are you still friends with them?
Jessica and no we are not still friends. We lost touch at some point.

15. Who was the first person to send you flowers, or who was the first person that you sent flowers to?
My mom for my 16th birthday

16. Where did you live the first time you moved out of your parents house?
Unless you count college, Canton, Ga.

17. Who is the first person you call when you have a bad day?
It used to be my hsuband but now it's either my mom or stepmom..whichever one answers the phone. You have no idea how odd that is considering this time last year we were barely talking.

18. Who’s wedding were you in the first time you were a bridesmaid or a groomsmen?
My sister's. My other sister and I were candle lighters...it was a disaster.(the candle lighting..not the wedding.)

19. What is the first thing you do in the morning?
Check my email.

Three hours until round two of High School Musical. That's a long time for me to forget about it. I have to figure out what we are having for dinner, but I have been so not hungry the past few days. My son hasn't been all that hungry either. I've had to force him to eat the past few days and before yesterday all he was eating for supper was apples.
I had Echo make my mother in law a collage for her birthday and it came out so great. It honestly made me want to cry because it has some of my favorite pictures on it. She used my absolute favorite picture for the main picture. To me it just shows how much my husband loves my son.

He wasn't expecting me to take another picture. We had just finished the obligitory touristy pose and he was comforting my son who had just woken up from his nap and was very disoriented. I was so lucky to get it. I have it sitting in a frame by my computer screen. Sometimes I think I have to be the luckiest woman in the world.

When I introduced myself to the man yesterday he warned me that they liked to play poker on Friday nights and could get a little loud. I was thinking they would be loud as in laughing yelling that sort of thing and well I just have to shut my windows for that. I had no idea it would be non stop thumping and not just when they have company! I am a very agreeable neighbor...be loud..I don't mind, but I can't handle the thumping. I can handle it in smaller doses, but I swear I'm to the point I want to scream and it's just day 1. I don't know what I'm going to do. I am not a confrontational type. If it turns out it is just a once in a while thing and when he is at work it's quieter, then I think I'll be able to deal. If it is a constant thing, I might have to say something. They moved here from another complex off post so you would think they would know how to be a little more considerate. I'm really wondering if it's bothering my neighbors on the other side of these people. They are not going to get as much of the booming as I am because of the way the townhouses are set up, but if it is bothering them, then they will say something. If it turns out to be a more than once a week thing, then I will say something. Especially if it is an all night thing that keeps my son up. I guess we will see. It does seem to be quietening down a little. I can now hear them talking, which doesn't bother me in the least. I can still hear the thumping but it is at a tolerable level.
Today was totally uneventful. My son had a meltdown and it seemed to be over the fact that he wanted McDonald's and I couldn't bring him. I really think there was something much more to it because the crying he was doing is not his whinny I'm mad cry. It was the cry that breaks my heart. I think he was really missing his dad and all of that. I ended up getting him pizza. I had a coupon for a free one and it seemed to make him happy. We played outside while we waited for the pizza to come. He was thrilled.
I was annoyed when at six this morning some twit messaged me using the yahoo mobile feature. I had only been asleep maybe 3 hours and he would not leave me alone. I couldn't block him because he was not on my buddy list. I did let the feature where if I don't answer so many times then it doesn't allow any more messages from the sender option kick in. In the meantime, he messaged me every five minutes for an hour. I would have turned off my phone, but I'm always paranoid I'm going to miss my chance to talk to my husband, even though I know I won't hear from him until sometime next week. The idiot just messaged me a little bit ago and I totally went off on him then I blocked him! I have no patience for annoying people on messengers. I do not wish to cam, cyber, or be friends with anonymous people who can't even respect the basics. the only reason I answered in the first place is because the user name reminded me of one a friend had at one time.
On an entirely different note, I added a link/ad type thing to my sidebar. I had help of course, but I was so glad I was able to figure out the right place for it. Maybe i will be able to do some more things now. Please check out the link if you haven't already. This woman does some really great work!
I think I am going to stop for now. If anyone has any idea for some relief from a cold/sinus thing that doesn't involve drugs, then please let me know. I'm taking aleve for the headache/body ache, but it's not working all that great and I can't take anything like a cold medicine/decongestant because they totally knock me out and I've got to worry about a son who will do things he's not supposed to if I'm unconscious.

Today was a decent day. I have new neighbors. I met the husband and he seemed nice enough. His wife was taking a nap, but I hope to meet her soon. I finally took my Christmas tree out to the outdoor storage closet. OMG that thing was heavy. There is a reason it has the team lifting warning on it. I stood it up on one end and sort of scooted it out there. I'm just glad I won't be tripping over it anymore and my son won't be using it as a balance beam.
I will be more than happy when this cold is gone. I get zapped of energy so easily and now I'm losing my voice. That is so not a good thing with spaz child running around. There have been a few times a day every day this week that I thought my head would fall off and part of me wished it would. I know it would be better if I took some cold meds, but I don't know of one that doesn't make me totally drowsy and I can't do that. Thankfully my son has been a lot better behaved this week and that has been a tremendous help.
My husband called me today. I was extremely shocked as it was 4 in the morning where he is and I was not expecting to hear from him. We were able to speak for about 30 minutes. It wasn't our most pleasant conversation. I was a little cranky for some reason at one point. I think it was when he said he felt really bad for our son for having to deal with it. I wanted to snap back "at least you don't' have to see it on a daily basis" I didn't though. It's so hard to watch my son missing his best friend so much. He is being so strong but I know it's been very hard for him. I keep fussing at my husband telling him he needs to do something for my son. Draw him pictures, send him a card..something. He says he knows but he ends up not doing it and that annoys me. I think that is why I was a little snippy. It didn't last but for a few minutes.
He seemed worried about me. Earlier this week his CO told him that his wife said I wasn't asking for help when I needed it and now his CO is concerned that I am secluding myself and wonders how I am going tom ake it through this. I told my husband that what others perceive as seclusion is just me. I'm not a social butterfly. I don't need a lot of people around me to be happy. I reassured him today that I am fine. I have asked for help when I have needed it and I'm going to meetings and things like that. He knows me better than to be so worried. Maybe he was having an off day or upset because I have a cold. I don't know. I just hope I was able to reassure him enough. Overall he is doing great. He misses us and on days like today I can tell it's really getting to him, but he is doing so amazingly well. He is absolutely loving his job and that is something new for him. He is looking into taking classes and I really hope that works out for him. He was only a year away from getting a bachelors in liberal arts with a focus on theology. He is looking into Liberty University now and if he goes through them he will get a Bachelors in Religion. I really think he will take it further at some point and get a masters in divinity. I don't know if he wants to become an ordained minister anymore or what he is thinking. I know he is seriously considering being career military, but I don't know how he is planning to do that. If he is planning on staying enlisted and keeping the MOS he has now or once he gets his degree and credentials, trying to go officer. I know he is really doing a lot of thinking and praying about that and we are taking it one step at a time. Right now he is going for the first degree.
I honestly hope that all works out because I feel so guilty about him not getting it done when he should have. He was still in school when we first married. I worked a and he went to school in the mornings and worked some in the evenings. When I had my miscarriage, I had a lot of issues and I ended up not working for a month or so. Even when I went back to work it was hard, but he was still in school. He didn't do well that semester because of dealing with that and the fact that I became pregnant during that semester and was so sick I had to quit working. He never went back after that semester. We just could never afford it and then we moved and it was like he totally put it out of his head. When he was considering joining the military, this was one of the big selling points for me. I could see it in his eyes that he wanted to get his degree and that this would give us the means to help make that happen. Now I hope it does. I want that dream of his to happen for him. After all, he is the only person in my life who has ever truly loved me unconditionally. Who has never made me feel like he would love me more if I did just one thing differently. He accepts me quirks and all and is crazy about me. I never in my wildest dreams imagined this type of love really existed so I feel pretty special to have it.

"If you don't now who you are, you can't be a military wife," Graham said. "Not a happy one anyway."

Ok...this is one thing I have a problem with. For six years the military had no bearing on my marriage or who I was. I was a stay at home mom and happy wife. I worked really hard volunteering in my church and I was happy. I have been a military spouse less than a year and honestly until September my life hadn't changed all that much. My husband was gone for four months to his initial training and while I missed him, I was happy still. I did the same things I did before he joined, just without him. Now my life is completely different and I'm realizing I need to find something to keep me occupied, but that doesn't mean I can't be happy while I'm trying to figure it out. Does it? If not, then I'm in a lot of trouble. I can't expect to take 6 years of who I was, toss it in the trash and overnight find a new me. I've spent six years being my husbands wife, 5 being a mommy, and many more than that being the church volunteer. My husband is gone and while I am still and always going to be mommy, his needs have drastically changed. I have yet to join a church here and I'm not joining one until my husband gets back. Sure I'll attend but I don't want to fall in love with a church and he end up hating it. I am pretty sure I don't want to go back to doing all of the things i"ve been doing forever in church anyway. I need a break. So can I still be happy while trying to figure out what's next?

The woman in this article has a degree and is working on writing a novel and seems to be saying it's not ok for us to just be wives and mothers, we need to do more. I have no degree and honestly, at this point I have no desire to run out and get one. If I did, I have no idea what I would want it to be in. I don't have marketable talents and even though I have thought of volunteering, it's most likely going to involve me answering a phone somewhere. I'm very happy being a wife and a mother. I've fine with myself in that role. I have worked hard fighting my family over the fact that I had to be something more or I wasn't good enough. My life may have been centered mostly around my husband and son, but why is that such a bad thing?
I do not plan to spend the next year sitting around waiting for the end to get here. I plan to do most of the same things I would do when he was here. I'm not going to say I'm going to run out and make a ton of friends, that's just not who I am. My life isn't over because my husband isn't here, just changed. Sure I have had a hard time adjusting, but I don't think I would have dealt with it any better no matter what else I was doing. I am in a new world and I'm adjusting and it's been a bumpy adjustment but hey, at least I'm adjusting.

"If you don't know who you are when your husband's there, what are you going to do when he's gone?"

I knew who I was when he was home and that has only changed a little now that he is gone. I am still his devoted wife and mother of his son. That is enough for him, and for now that is enough for me. When I figure out what else I want then I will go for it. I'm not going to apologize for who I am. I am not a stereotypical military wife, honestly I have yet to meet one.

She also wishes that others knew who she and other military wives are. People often believe that when a woman marries into the military, she's the "little wife" and will never be anything else, Graham said.

"It bothers me, the negative connotation (that) follows all of it: You can't be your own person," she said. "There's no reason why anybody has to let that happen." She suggested spouses seek help from service family assistance centers to further their education or find a fulfilling job.

I am my own person. I have a fulfilling job. I think that there is a hell of a lot to being the "little wife" and dare anyone who thinks differently to try it out for a while. If I am never anything else, I have done what was true to my heart. How many people can say that, military or not.

"The spouses everybody sees are the housewives dragging four kids to the commissary screaming at them,"

I saw this a lot in the civilian realm too. Where are people getting this stuff anyway? I honestly had never heard any of these stereotypes before.

These frustrations, along with the good times, are all part of military life, Graham said. And with the knowledge that she is more than what her husband does for a living, she is enjoying that life.

I am, always have been, and will continue to be more than what my husband does for a living. Sure the military part is more a lifestyle than just a job, but it's not all there is. Sometimes it is frustrating and I feel like I can't blow my nose without someone saying so and making sure i get permission in writing, but it still doesn't define me. I am who I always was and as annoying as that can be for some people...I like me damn it!

thank you for bearing with the ramble. I know I was all over the place. I've just been thinking about it a lot today.

My entire life has changed several times in the past year and I am starting to wonder if change is my only constant. My husband left his boring uneventful job where he was home on weekends and by six most evenings to join the military. Of course this change was marked by our first separation of more than a week for Basic and AIT. We made it through this fine and at the end of that found out that we would be moving to Hawaii, a very big change from SC. Sounds like an adventure right? Well I guess in some ways it is. I really like it here, but I would rather visit than live here at this point. I'm sure that will change too. We get here and I am thrust into the military life with a deployment. From September to December nearly every moment had something to do with getting ready for a deployment most people had a been working on getting ready for since January. December brings my husband leaving, my first Christmas alone. Hey I'm still here and moderately sane so I think I'm doing ok. I'm just saying that the change does seem to come in big chunks, never does it let you get used to it a little bit at a time. What fun would that be? Aside from the periods of separation, all of these changes have been fairly positive. I mean I never in a million years would have been able to say I lived in Hawaii and new someone who was taking wrong turns and ending up in Austria. Yes I am sure that confused some of you...don't worry. I'm not crazy..well not for that anyway.
The changes I hate are the ones that seem to touch our hearts more. I hated leaving my friends behind, seeing the truth about a friend I thought was the one person I could always count on, facing the fear of losing another friend and still not being sure where that will go...these kinds of things are the ones I can do without. I guess I have to look at the things I've gained. I've gained some wonderful friends all over the world who have made the big changes so much easier to handle. I've gained a new sense of patriotism and pride in our country and our military. My husband and I had to laugh one day when we were remembering how on September 11th when there were rumors of war and a draft that we were so afraid the draft would be reinstated and he would be called up to serve and here we were 5 years later and he had volunteered to serve knowing that he would likely be doing the one thing he was so scared of then. Life is full of changes but at least we change with them if we are smart. We grow, we adjust, we learn to live and enjoy most of the changes and the ones we don't like so much, well we just learn to get over it.
Sorry for the ramble. I hope at least parts of it made sense. If you feel need to blame it on something, I'll find some excuse for you. Pretty much this is just me though.

I'M ALREADY THERE
Lonestar

He called her on the road
From a lonely cold hotel room
Just to hear her say I love you one more time
But when he heard the sound
Of the kids laughing in the background
He had to wipe away a tear from his eye
A little voice came on the phone
Said daddy when you coming home
He said the first thing that came to his mind

I’m already there
Take a look around
I’m the sunshine in your hair
I’m the shadow on the ground
I’m the whisper in the wind
I’m your imaginary friend
And I know I’m in your prayers
Oh I’m already there

She got back on the phone
Said I really miss you darling
Don’t worry about the kids they’ll be alright
Wish I was in your arms
Lying right there beside you
But I know that I’ll be in your dreams tonight
And I’ll gently kiss your lips
Touch you with my fingertips
So turn out the light and close your eyes

I’m already there
Don’t make a sound
I’m the beat in your heart
I’m the moonlight shining down
I’m the whisper in the wind
And I’ll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I’m already there

We may be a thousand miles apart
But I’ll be with you wherever you are

I’m already there
Take a look around
I’m the sunshine in your hair
I’m the shadow on the ground
I’m the whisper in the wind
And I’ll be there until the end
Can you feel the love that we share
Oh I’m already there
Oh I’m already
There

Today was a lazy day. Not a bad one, thankfully, just sort of here. My son and I did a lot of snuggling which was really nice. I went online at walmart.com and made my husband a custom cd. It's filled with a lot of Steven Curtis Chapman songs from his All About Love cd. It also has our song on it, the one that we officially claimed when we were dating. he even had it playing when he asked me to marry him. It's Godsend by DC Talk. I added a few other songs, Right here waiting by Richard Marx, From This Moment On by Shania Twain with Bryan White (he really hates her but likes that I always sang this song to him,) All My Life bye KC &JoJo, I Will Be Here, and Love and Learn by Stephen Curtis Chapman.
The song I Will Be Here is so sweet. When we were dating I worked nights and slept all day. He would come visit me after he got out of class and sometimes when I was asleep, he would wake me up singing that song. Now he has a not so great singing voice, but I never minded because he sang it from his heart and it would make me cry. Every once in a while he'll still sing it to me.
I LOVE THAT MAN!!!!!

I Will Be Here
Steven Curtis Chapman

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I will be here.

If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand and have no fear,
‘Cause I will be here.

CHORUS
I will be here when you feel like being quiet;
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen.
And I will be here when the laughter turns to crying;
Through the winning, losing, and trying, we’ll be together,
‘Cause I will be here.

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the future is unclear,
I will be here.

As sure as seasons are made for change,
Our lifetimes are made for years,
So I will be here.

CHORUS
I will be here, and you can cry on my shoulder;
When the mirror tells us we’re older, I will hold you.
And I will be here to watch you grow in beauty,
And tell you all the things you are to me;
I will be here.

I will be true to the promise I have made,
To you and to the One who gave you to me.


Godsend
DC Talk

Hoping, praying, I've been waiting
Everybody needs somebody to love
There's no question, straight from heaven
You're my angel, I'm so crazy for you

(chorus)
You're a Godsend
A blessing from above
You've been God-sent to me
You're the Godsend
I've been dreaming of
You're a Godsend

Holding your hand, touching your face
I will love you now and always I swear
I will never forget that first moment we met
When two worlds collided and I found my best friend

(repeat chorus)

(bridge)
I was made for you, you were made for me
In this lonely world, we were meant to be in love

I will never forget that first moment we met
When two worlds, they crashed in
And I found my best friend

(repeat chorus)

He is like some wonderful drug that is an instant mood booster. Ok so we've had one or two discussions that ended with me in tears, but that was more me than him. Today we had our first "real" conversation since he left. It wasn't awkward, it wasn't rushed, it was just us. I'm not going to lie and say it made missing him all better, but it makes such a big difference hearing his voice. He is really doing very well and that makes me happy. It honestly used to make me so jealous I hated myself for it, but now it makes me happy. He's much more likely to do a good job and be safer if he's happy. He's making friends and that is really great because when he's home he doesn't really try to make friends. It's work then us and he is fine with that, but now he will have guy friends and I think that will be great for him even when he gets back.
I have to say it was good to be in a store today. I ended up getting everything on my list and spending a lot less than I thought I would. It made me very happy. My son was amazingly well behaved. I think hearing his dad's voice helped him a lot. He still wouldn't talk to him but that's ok. He will when he's ready. Usually while we are shopping, he is trying to run around the store and pulling stuff off the shelf, but this tiem he was so well behaved. He didn't try to get out of the little car he was "driving" until we were in line to pay. That was him in a confined space for about an hour and not complaining once! He was also very well behaved when we got home. He was so much more like my little man. The only down part was that he passed out on the couch at 6:30 and as hard as I tried, I couldn't wake him. I put him in bed and laid down myself but I couldn't sleep and of course as i finally slept, he woke up. Hopefully he won't be up too late. The not sleeping well last night has me tired and I have a lot of cleaning to do tomorrow.
Monday night i'm babysitting two girls for a little while. I'm looking forward to it. I think these girls are fun and very cute. It's a nice change from my all boy world.

Now my son and I fit fine in the twin bed together..the problem is he doesn't exactly sleep fair. He is a bed hog and moves around a lot. For the next 4 hours he tossed and turned and even went sideways at one point with his feet on my shoulders. This had me laying on my side plastered to the wall. If I wanted to roll over I had to make sure I wasn't going to squish flailing hands. He half woke up about 10:30 and rolled, literally rolled, out of my bed and went to his room. He laid down and watched a movie while I dozed off for yet another hour. I freaked out when I realized how late it was and got up, but I was still so very tired. I didn't know what my deal was.
I came downstairs and got on the computer to check my email and things of that nature. A friend of mine was on so I asked how she was. Well that ended up in an hour of not so great conversation and lets just say I'm not so sure of how well our friendship is going to last. At one point she had me crying..
I logged off yahoo a while later and made brownies for my FRG meeting and some lunch for my son and I. I hadn't even gotten dressed at this point because i knew I would make a mess making brownies..good thing too. The bag opened funny and I ended up sprayed with brownie mix. Anyway the brownies were done and I had eaten. I was doing other things while on the computer and I really should have been cleaning. Well I had an hour and half to get things ready for us to walk out the door. NOT a big deal right? It's only two of us after all....wrong.
My son didn't want to eat his lunch...he didn't want to go upstairs and take a bath. He didn't want to get dressed, he didn't want to let me get ready.I got his busy bag together and we made it out the door at exactly the time I needed to be so that i could check the mail, water my plants and get his seat out of the car. Well all of that took a lot less time than I figured because I had hardly no mail and I really just over planned how long it would take. Big mistake. Twice I had to force him inside to wash his hands because he played in the dirt and rocks that are near my door...this isn't counting the two times i washed them in the faucet outside. The last time I took him inside, he threw himself on the floor screaming. I literally had to drag him into the bathroom, wash his hands then drag him back outside. Of course he stops crying as my ride pulls up. We get everything in the car and head off to our FRG meeting.
At the meeting I'm so glad to be with other adults even though I only know two of these women. I leave my son in the room wit the other kids and the brave man who is watching them. We can still see them..he's more of just the wrangler keeping them busy. We do a getting to know you game and I meet one more person. I have to get up and fuss a at my son twice because he's being soooo loud. I'm getting good information here, things are going well with the meeting. Our FRG leader's daughter trips and starts crying so she goes and picks her up and continues with the meeting. All of the sudden she stops talking and starts freaking out screaming "you guys, what's wrong with my kid?" We couldn't tell at that moment but it became really obvious she is having a seizure. This little girl is like 18 months old and our FRG leader is scared. I think we all were a little scared. Several women knew what was going on and were able to help. Someone called 911 and I tried to keep the kids in the other room because they were being kids and making all sorts of comments and staring. After what seemed like forever, the ambulance came and they took her off to the hospital. The meeting was obviously over so we began the clean up and people started leaving. My son was brought to me by another woman who said that when she tried to take a toy away from him he attacked her. I think attack might have been too strong of a word but i have no doubt he fought with her. A year ago I would never have thought he would fight with an adult but now ..I'm just not so sure what he wouldn't do at this point. I noticed he was missing a shoe and went looking for it only to be told by the man that had been watching them that my son had thrown it at him. What is going on with my kid!?! I'm mad at my son, worried for my FRG leader and trying to find the woman who was going to be my ride home...whom I had never met before! My son screamed for about ten minutes because i made him leave. The woman who brought us home was really nice and figured he was just tired. He got home and ended up falling asleep on the couch..now he's wide awake. God,what a day it was.
My FRG leader sent out an email saying that it was a febrile seizure and they were able to get the little girls fever way down and she was doing so much better. I'm really relieved.
A.F. came to visit today so I'm sure that contributed to my emotional day...I'm just glad it's over. Now I get to fight the kid who had a nap and try to get him to go to sleep...I pray that tomorrow is blessedly uneventful.