I haven't written in a while and honestly I don't have much to say. Just dealing with life day to day and doing ok with it all. I'm thrilled to say that we are getting very close to the end of this year of lonely. I can't wait. Things seem to be getting crazier and crazier so we are talking less and less. I just am so ready for it all to be over.
My son is doing well. He loves school and they put him in a new clas and he is doing so well in it. I'll write more about that later. I just wanted to let those of you that might be worrying know that I'm fine. Just kind of quiet.
I'm seeing several people talking about what the were doing on 9/11 or just general reflecting about it so I thought I would do a little discussing of it myself. I have to say that my life has changed immensely since that day.
I remember that day. My husband had the day off and we spent the morning sleeping. When we finally woke up, he went and got some food while I worked on folding clothes or something like that. My son was not quite a year old and was taking a nap or something when my husband walked in the door. He had this look on his face that scared me to my core. My first thought was that he had a wreck or something but he told me that we were attacked. I didn't know what he meant and he was having a hard time getting the words out so he turned on the tv. We sat there and watched in horror as they recapped the events of the day. I remember crying. I remember being scared because I didn't know what would be next. I also remember being terrified for my family because they live in a high risk area for terrorist attacks. This next part, I find very ironic. I remember us being scared that there would be a draft and he would have to go overseas. I remember being worried that I would be left alone to raise my son while he went off to a war that hadn't even been declared yet. That thought kept me up for several nights in a row.
How odd that I sit here five years later doing just that only he wasn't drafted. He volunteered. He signed up for this journey knowing he would have to go there. How things change over years. I love him. I am proud of him for doing what he felt led to do even though I'd rather not be here right now without him, but I am still proud of him. I admit that 9/11 touched me, but didn't give me an immediate sense of patriotism. It scared me more than anything. It wasn't until family members started going off to war that I became patriotic and then my husband joined and that seemed to push it up there. It just all seemed to make more sense then. I know that sounds stupid, but it's just the way it was for me.
Now I sit here waiting to see what the next five years hold for us as a country and a family.
I remember that day. My husband had the day off and we spent the morning sleeping. When we finally woke up, he went and got some food while I worked on folding clothes or something like that. My son was not quite a year old and was taking a nap or something when my husband walked in the door. He had this look on his face that scared me to my core. My first thought was that he had a wreck or something but he told me that we were attacked. I didn't know what he meant and he was having a hard time getting the words out so he turned on the tv. We sat there and watched in horror as they recapped the events of the day. I remember crying. I remember being scared because I didn't know what would be next. I also remember being terrified for my family because they live in a high risk area for terrorist attacks. This next part, I find very ironic. I remember us being scared that there would be a draft and he would have to go overseas. I remember being worried that I would be left alone to raise my son while he went off to a war that hadn't even been declared yet. That thought kept me up for several nights in a row.
How odd that I sit here five years later doing just that only he wasn't drafted. He volunteered. He signed up for this journey knowing he would have to go there. How things change over years. I love him. I am proud of him for doing what he felt led to do even though I'd rather not be here right now without him, but I am still proud of him. I admit that 9/11 touched me, but didn't give me an immediate sense of patriotism. It scared me more than anything. It wasn't until family members started going off to war that I became patriotic and then my husband joined and that seemed to push it up there. It just all seemed to make more sense then. I know that sounds stupid, but it's just the way it was for me.
Now I sit here waiting to see what the next five years hold for us as a country and a family.
Marriage is hard work. Yes, I know I sound like a broken record. I guess I'm just having one of those nights where I'm reminded how hard it is. Especially when you are trying to make it work from opposite sides of the world. Oh I'd like to have thought that because we have such a strong marriage that we would be immune to the woes of separation strain, but the truth is no one is. I don't care what they say. Every marriage is going to have at least one time where it's hard when being separate for that length of time. If they don't, I have to wonder if something isn't quite right. Marriage was made for the couple to be together. It goes against the fundamental ideas of it to split the couple up for such a long time and expect there to be no conflict. I just hate being reminded of that. I wish sometimes I could fool myself into believing we're together and it's all alright, but sometimes it's not and it hurts. I'm so glad it's almost over. Then marriage will pose a new set of issues, but I'm to busy dealing with the now ones to even think about those.
Nothing like a sudden unexpected tap on the back while you're cleaning off a bed in a pitch black room to scare the crap out of you and get your adrenaline going. Here I thought I would get a good nights sleep tonight too. Thanks son..I appreciate that.
I guess I'm a little jumpy lately. Several times he has scared me like that. Most of the time it's me in bed looking at something on my computer and a black figure is moving towards me all of the sudden. Yeah...he likes scaring me. He thinks it's funny when I scream.
I bet my husband is going to have a blast with this when he gets home.
Why couldn't I have had a girl?
I guess I'm a little jumpy lately. Several times he has scared me like that. Most of the time it's me in bed looking at something on my computer and a black figure is moving towards me all of the sudden. Yeah...he likes scaring me. He thinks it's funny when I scream.
I bet my husband is going to have a blast with this when he gets home.
Why couldn't I have had a girl?
Tonight is one of those nights I hate. The ones where we haven't been able to really talk without a ton of distractions or times not matching up. The one where I find out it's not going to get any better for a few days. I know how lucky I am, so please don't feel the need to remind me of it. I know that it could be worse and I could go months with not hearing from him. I know I know...if that's all you can think as you read this, then go elsewhere. I have much sympathy for those spouses, but I feel like the crap I've put up with has earned me my right to feel how I feel. I feel like when it comes to this you have to look at each situation and say "that's bad for them" even when to you it's not so bad. I mean there are limits to this, but some things, like communications with the spouses, are just individual levels of what sucks. Tonight, this week, the way I'm feeling right now..this sucks. It just really sucks and I'm ready for my husband to be home. I have spent most of the week excited because we don't have that much longer, but tonight it's feeling like forever. I'm lonely and want to be held. Yes I know this is my life and I knew this was part of the deal, but that doesn't mean that I can't say this sucks. Did you get that?
THIS SUCKS!!!!!!!
I love when I get a glimpse into my son's thought process. Most of the time, when a conversation with him makes no sense, I'm just left to wonder. It is a rare occasion that I can piece together what he is thinking and today I had one of those moments. Here was the conversation.
Of course from there came the explanation that we can't fly and go get daddy and how long until daddy is home. You get the idea. Now it took me a few minutes, but I figured out why he kept saying Hawaii instead of just saying to go get his dad. The only time he has flown, he has flown to Hawaii. His Daddy came home to Hawaii on a plane for R&R. His aunt flew on an airplane to Hawaii. He has never seen the planes leave Hawaii. So as much as I can tell, he thought all planes went to Hawaii and since Daddy had to go on a plane, Daddy was in Hawaii. Interesting..
Now I know some of you might be sitting there wondering how my almost six year old son doesn't comprehend the situation better. All I can say is my son has a very different thought process. Very different. He understands what he really needs to. Daddy is away being a soldier and loves him and mommy very much. At this point that is all he needs to know. I have shown him where on the map Daddy is and things like that but he holds on to what he needs to in making it through the day without his best friend. I honestly am grateful for his lacking in comprehension at this point. I have enough trouble with the "I miss Daddy" and "Daddy come home" so I don't know what I would do if he had hard questions.
Son: I wanna go Huwhy(that's what hawaii sounds like when he says it.)
Me: You want to go where?
Son: I wanna go Huwhy.
Me: You want to go to Hawaii?
Son: Yeah. I go to Huwhy.
Me: But we're already in Hawaii.
Son: I wanna go in the airplane and go to Huwhy.
Me: We already did. Your house is in hawaii.
Son: OH!!! (pause a moment for thought) I wanna go in airplane.
Me: Where do you want to go in the airplane.
Son: I wanna go get Daddy.
Of course from there came the explanation that we can't fly and go get daddy and how long until daddy is home. You get the idea. Now it took me a few minutes, but I figured out why he kept saying Hawaii instead of just saying to go get his dad. The only time he has flown, he has flown to Hawaii. His Daddy came home to Hawaii on a plane for R&R. His aunt flew on an airplane to Hawaii. He has never seen the planes leave Hawaii. So as much as I can tell, he thought all planes went to Hawaii and since Daddy had to go on a plane, Daddy was in Hawaii. Interesting..
Now I know some of you might be sitting there wondering how my almost six year old son doesn't comprehend the situation better. All I can say is my son has a very different thought process. Very different. He understands what he really needs to. Daddy is away being a soldier and loves him and mommy very much. At this point that is all he needs to know. I have shown him where on the map Daddy is and things like that but he holds on to what he needs to in making it through the day without his best friend. I honestly am grateful for his lacking in comprehension at this point. I have enough trouble with the "I miss Daddy" and "Daddy come home" so I don't know what I would do if he had hard questions.
I can't believe it's been a week since I posted anything. I've thought about blogging several times this week but couldn't work up the energy to form my thoughts into coherent sentences.
Went to the doctor on Tuesday and they said I had an abscess in my leg. YUCK! Gave me some antibiotics and said if those don't seem to work then I'll have to get a consult to surgery and have a minor surgical procedure done. Nothing worth freaking out about but I really don't want to have to go there. The antibiotic seems to be working though it has some harsh side effects. I'll deal.
This week has been drama filled. My sister has been in rare form all week...extremely moody but claiming she's not. Come to find out she had PMS. I want to smack her around some for her bitchy comments she was constantly making but I know she'll get just as good as she gave next time it's my turn. At first she was a lot of help but then she just started complaining about everything. Instead of letting me rest she started acting like I should be all better and getting mad because I wanted to go to bed early. Eh..it was just a long week. I'm really glad it is over.
Going to look at a car today or tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow because I promised my son we'd go to a movie yesterday and we didn't and I told him today and I really don't want to break that promise again. He's been incredibly sweet to me this week despite his seeming desire to drive me insane at other times. He saw me cry a lot this week despite my desire not to and he was always there giving me a hug or kiss and talking sweet to me. He apparently now things that scratching my back makes it all better when I'm upset. It does make me smile though. I don't know what I'd do without that stinker.
I guess that's enough of a ramble for now. I keep looking at the calendar in disbelief that it's almost all over. I mean we have a little while still, but we are in the "OMG I need to start looking for an outfit and everything has to be perfect" part of it. I honestly keep waiting for that phone call saying they are going to have to stay longer and I am really scared. I know I shouldn't be, but it's like I'm afraid to believe he is actually going to come home because if I get excited something bad will happen. Talk about a totally different attitude for this once extremely optimistic person. It's the one thing the military life has changed about me forever...be it good or bad. I guess something was bound to change.
Went to the doctor on Tuesday and they said I had an abscess in my leg. YUCK! Gave me some antibiotics and said if those don't seem to work then I'll have to get a consult to surgery and have a minor surgical procedure done. Nothing worth freaking out about but I really don't want to have to go there. The antibiotic seems to be working though it has some harsh side effects. I'll deal.
This week has been drama filled. My sister has been in rare form all week...extremely moody but claiming she's not. Come to find out she had PMS. I want to smack her around some for her bitchy comments she was constantly making but I know she'll get just as good as she gave next time it's my turn. At first she was a lot of help but then she just started complaining about everything. Instead of letting me rest she started acting like I should be all better and getting mad because I wanted to go to bed early. Eh..it was just a long week. I'm really glad it is over.
Going to look at a car today or tomorrow. Hopefully tomorrow because I promised my son we'd go to a movie yesterday and we didn't and I told him today and I really don't want to break that promise again. He's been incredibly sweet to me this week despite his seeming desire to drive me insane at other times. He saw me cry a lot this week despite my desire not to and he was always there giving me a hug or kiss and talking sweet to me. He apparently now things that scratching my back makes it all better when I'm upset. It does make me smile though. I don't know what I'd do without that stinker.
I guess that's enough of a ramble for now. I keep looking at the calendar in disbelief that it's almost all over. I mean we have a little while still, but we are in the "OMG I need to start looking for an outfit and everything has to be perfect" part of it. I honestly keep waiting for that phone call saying they are going to have to stay longer and I am really scared. I know I shouldn't be, but it's like I'm afraid to believe he is actually going to come home because if I get excited something bad will happen. Talk about a totally different attitude for this once extremely optimistic person. It's the one thing the military life has changed about me forever...be it good or bad. I guess something was bound to change.