Today the rest of my anniversary gift came as well as a gift for my son and a map of Iraq. I recieved a nice necklace/bracelet set. My sonreceived a backpack in desert cammo that had been personalized. The front pocket has spiderman, Operation Iraqi Freedom, an american flag, iraqi flag, and the name of where my husband is stationed. On the top pouch it has my son's name in english and arabic. The side pouches have a scorpion and camel. On the back straps are Operation Iraqi Freedom and the name of where my husband is stationed. I'm posting a few pictures. I can't show everything for obvious reasons. I feel so blessed to have such a thoughtful husband. I love you baby!
Earlier this month I went to the doctor and he has been treating me for anxiety and depression. After getting over my initial feelings of failure as a military spouse, I embraced it and was really able to see how out of control things were getting. I'm doing better though it's still a slow going thing. I still occasionally have panic attacks or down days, though never as down as I did before. My sister tells me she can tell when I've forgotten to take my medicine. I'm really glad I have her here to give a nudge when I need it and to help cheer me up when I'm down. It's something I really appreciate. I go for a checkup later this week and we'll see where he wants to go from here.
It is getting very warm here in Hawaii but, when I start thinking I can't stand the heat, I think about my husband dealing with temperatures that have been over 100 for a while now. I try not to worry about him in that heat. He assures me that he is doing arlight with it so I will trust him to be smart and take care of himself. I just wish he didn't have to deal with it at all. It's just another one of those sacrifices he's willing to make. I really am proud of him.
Today is a day that is supposed to be about remembering those who have sacrificed it all and I just want to express my eternal gratitude to them and my heartfelt admiration to their families.It is because of your sacrifices that I have the freedoms I do today. No words can express what that means to me. I will admit that before last year, memorial day was just another holdiay that didn't really mean that much to me. Sitting in the middle of a deployment and realizing that next year it could be me placing a wreath in memory of a friend or loved one changes the way you think about things. SO thank you.
It is getting very warm here in Hawaii but, when I start thinking I can't stand the heat, I think about my husband dealing with temperatures that have been over 100 for a while now. I try not to worry about him in that heat. He assures me that he is doing arlight with it so I will trust him to be smart and take care of himself. I just wish he didn't have to deal with it at all. It's just another one of those sacrifices he's willing to make. I really am proud of him.
Today is a day that is supposed to be about remembering those who have sacrificed it all and I just want to express my eternal gratitude to them and my heartfelt admiration to their families.It is because of your sacrifices that I have the freedoms I do today. No words can express what that means to me. I will admit that before last year, memorial day was just another holdiay that didn't really mean that much to me. Sitting in the middle of a deployment and realizing that next year it could be me placing a wreath in memory of a friend or loved one changes the way you think about things. SO thank you.
Tonight I was able to spend ten minutes in a video teleconference with my husband. I honestly only said a few words to him. The rest of the time was spent watching the two of them talk. It was amazing. I know it did them both so much good to be able to interact.
I checked the mail before we left and one of my anniversary gifts was here. I will admit, when I read what it was on the customs form, I was a little disappointed. It simply said "hat." He had bought me two hats already and I was hoping for something original. Let me tell you, when I opened that box and saw the hat, I was anything but disappointed. It was a ball cap with a special design on the front. I can't really describe it so I'm going to post a picture of it, but first I'm going to explain a little. The design is our symbol. My husband drew it a very long time ago. I don't know exactly how long ago, but it was a long time ago. Just before he came home on R&R, he sent me the typed up meaning behind everything in the picture. I'll post that after the picture.
The open window:
I will always strive to keep this window open. To always be honest with you. To share my secrets and my dreams with you. To be receptive to you and understanding.
The dark sky:
Our future is unclear. We do not know what it holds. Still, we will face this unknown together, hand and hand. We do not have to fear the night.
The single rose:
A single long-stem red rose. A classic symbol of love. Although we may not be as traditional as some, our love is still true. Love last throughout generations.
The moon:
The Renaissance Moon. The rose is offered up to her. My love is offered up to you. You will always be my moon. You are my light in my darkness, reflecting a greater Light. You have gravity over me. I am captivated by your beauty. I am drawn to you. You have a mysterious magic. You have given me a new birth. You have given me a new life. One that we will live out together.
The wine:
The wine in the bottle has intoxicated me. You have intoxicated me with your love. I drink of it, but can never get my fill. I always long for more. I love the power you have over me.
The bottle:
A symbol of my desire for you. My passion. A sexual hunger that only you can fill. I hunger for you.
The stones:
Our past. The years that we have spent together. The events in our lives. Some are smooth and some are rough. None is like another. They build upon each other. They make us who we are.
The keystones:
Three stones in one. The Holy Trinity. It is God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit that keeps us together and keeps us strong. It is He that holds us in His hand.
The arch:
A strong architectural structure. It holds weight by distributing the burden. We will share each othersÂ’ burdens. We will lighten each othersÂ’ load. We shall build each other up and grow closer to each other as we near our Keystone.
I checked the mail before we left and one of my anniversary gifts was here. I will admit, when I read what it was on the customs form, I was a little disappointed. It simply said "hat." He had bought me two hats already and I was hoping for something original. Let me tell you, when I opened that box and saw the hat, I was anything but disappointed. It was a ball cap with a special design on the front. I can't really describe it so I'm going to post a picture of it, but first I'm going to explain a little. The design is our symbol. My husband drew it a very long time ago. I don't know exactly how long ago, but it was a long time ago. Just before he came home on R&R, he sent me the typed up meaning behind everything in the picture. I'll post that after the picture.
The open window:
I will always strive to keep this window open. To always be honest with you. To share my secrets and my dreams with you. To be receptive to you and understanding.
The dark sky:
Our future is unclear. We do not know what it holds. Still, we will face this unknown together, hand and hand. We do not have to fear the night.
The single rose:
A single long-stem red rose. A classic symbol of love. Although we may not be as traditional as some, our love is still true. Love last throughout generations.
The moon:
The Renaissance Moon. The rose is offered up to her. My love is offered up to you. You will always be my moon. You are my light in my darkness, reflecting a greater Light. You have gravity over me. I am captivated by your beauty. I am drawn to you. You have a mysterious magic. You have given me a new birth. You have given me a new life. One that we will live out together.
The wine:
The wine in the bottle has intoxicated me. You have intoxicated me with your love. I drink of it, but can never get my fill. I always long for more. I love the power you have over me.
The bottle:
A symbol of my desire for you. My passion. A sexual hunger that only you can fill. I hunger for you.
The stones:
Our past. The years that we have spent together. The events in our lives. Some are smooth and some are rough. None is like another. They build upon each other. They make us who we are.
The keystones:
Three stones in one. The Holy Trinity. It is God the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit that keeps us together and keeps us strong. It is He that holds us in His hand.
The arch:
A strong architectural structure. It holds weight by distributing the burden. We will share each othersÂ’ burdens. We will lighten each othersÂ’ load. We shall build each other up and grow closer to each other as we near our Keystone.
I've been hearing this song on the radio a lot and I really like it so I thought I'd share it.
What's Left of Me
Nick Lachey
Watch my life pass me by
in the rearview mirror
Pictures frozen in time
are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
yeah
'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me
I've been dying inside
Little by little
Nowhere to go
But goin' out of my mind
In endless cirlcles
runnin' from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still
And I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me
Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me somethin' to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head
Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again
'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have
All that's left
Yeah, yeah, yeah
What's left of me
I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just runnin' in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Of me
Just runnin' in circles IN MY MIND
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Take what's left of me
What's Left of Me
Nick Lachey
Watch my life pass me by
in the rearview mirror
Pictures frozen in time
are becoming clearer
I don't wanna waste another day
Stuck in the shadow of my mistakes
yeah
'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me
I've been dying inside
Little by little
Nowhere to go
But goin' out of my mind
In endless cirlcles
runnin' from myself until
You gave me a reason for standing still
And I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
But you can have
What's left of me
Falling faster
Barely breathing
Give me somethin' to believe in
Tell me it's not all in my head
Take what's left of this man
Make me whole once again
'cause I want you
and I feel you
crawling underneath my skin
like a hunger
like a burning
to find the place I've never been
now I'm broken
and I'm fading
I'm half the man I thought I would be
You can have
All that's left
Yeah, yeah, yeah
What's left of me
I've been dying inside you see
I'm going out of my mind
Out of my mind
I'm just runnin' in circles all the time
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Of me
Just runnin' in circles IN MY MIND
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Will you take what's left
Take what's left of me
ok, as you can see, I'm playing catch up. This one should have been done Monday but I was so tired that I didn't bother.
Monday was my 7 year wedding anniversary. I still can't believe I've been married that long, though sometimes I really can't remember not being married. I'm so thrilled to have made it so long and still be as much, if not more, in love with my husband as I was the day I said my vows.
For the second year in a row, we were not together on our anniversary. I was really expecting it to be the same miserable day that it was last year. Especially after being informed that I was most likely not going to hear from my husband at all that day. Thankfully, it didn't turn out to be true. I ended up having a wonderful day and have my sister to thank for that one.
The day officially started at midnight when my husband got online and wished me a happy anniversary. We talked a little bit before he finally let me go to sleep as I was falling asleep at the computer. I woke up when he messaged me later that morning and we talked for a little while. It was the most wonderful way to start my day. I ended up going back to sleep for a little more then getting up for good.
We had already made plans to go to Dave and Busters later in the evening but really didn't have anything else planned. My sister decided she wanted to take us to go see Over the Hedge so we headed out to go see it. On the way, we stopped off at the post office and grabbed a bite to eat on the way then got some gas. My sister was in one of her silly moods and she had me laughing so hard the whole time we were headed out. Heck, she had me laughing most of the day.
This was the first time I'd been to the movies in years and the first time ever going with my son. He and his dad had gone to see Chicken Little before he left but I didn't go with them. I was nervous because he has a hard time staying still very long and i didn't know how he was going to do with being quiet. He ended up doing really well. He was a little loud a few times but it was ok. it's not exactly a movie you have to be quiet in all the time. We really enjoyed it.
After that we headed out to Dave and Busters. I've never been to this place or the area it was in so this was a good adventure for me. It was in a very nice location and was a lot of fun. We went to the midway to play games and my son had a blast. He and my sister played most of the games and I had fun watching them. We had a slight incident and had to leave for a bit but came back and ate dinner then played a few more games. It was pretty late so we cashed in our tickets and picked out a few prizes. My son ended up with a stuffed superman. My sister picked a purse and I picked a stuffed dog.
I ended up naming the dog Dave.
On the way home we sang along with the radio and just had a good time all together. My son crashed and not long after we were home I went to bed myself. My sister came in not long after to let me know my husband was on the computer. For the third time that day, I was able to talk to him. It went from being a day I thought would be totally crappy to a wonderful day. This was one of those times when I'm so thrilled I was totally wrong.
Monday was my 7 year wedding anniversary. I still can't believe I've been married that long, though sometimes I really can't remember not being married. I'm so thrilled to have made it so long and still be as much, if not more, in love with my husband as I was the day I said my vows.
For the second year in a row, we were not together on our anniversary. I was really expecting it to be the same miserable day that it was last year. Especially after being informed that I was most likely not going to hear from my husband at all that day. Thankfully, it didn't turn out to be true. I ended up having a wonderful day and have my sister to thank for that one.
The day officially started at midnight when my husband got online and wished me a happy anniversary. We talked a little bit before he finally let me go to sleep as I was falling asleep at the computer. I woke up when he messaged me later that morning and we talked for a little while. It was the most wonderful way to start my day. I ended up going back to sleep for a little more then getting up for good.
We had already made plans to go to Dave and Busters later in the evening but really didn't have anything else planned. My sister decided she wanted to take us to go see Over the Hedge so we headed out to go see it. On the way, we stopped off at the post office and grabbed a bite to eat on the way then got some gas. My sister was in one of her silly moods and she had me laughing so hard the whole time we were headed out. Heck, she had me laughing most of the day.
This was the first time I'd been to the movies in years and the first time ever going with my son. He and his dad had gone to see Chicken Little before he left but I didn't go with them. I was nervous because he has a hard time staying still very long and i didn't know how he was going to do with being quiet. He ended up doing really well. He was a little loud a few times but it was ok. it's not exactly a movie you have to be quiet in all the time. We really enjoyed it.
After that we headed out to Dave and Busters. I've never been to this place or the area it was in so this was a good adventure for me. It was in a very nice location and was a lot of fun. We went to the midway to play games and my son had a blast. He and my sister played most of the games and I had fun watching them. We had a slight incident and had to leave for a bit but came back and ate dinner then played a few more games. It was pretty late so we cashed in our tickets and picked out a few prizes. My son ended up with a stuffed superman. My sister picked a purse and I picked a stuffed dog.
I ended up naming the dog Dave. On the way home we sang along with the radio and just had a good time all together. My son crashed and not long after we were home I went to bed myself. My sister came in not long after to let me know my husband was on the computer. For the third time that day, I was able to talk to him. It went from being a day I thought would be totally crappy to a wonderful day. This was one of those times when I'm so thrilled I was totally wrong.
I've been going to the beach a good bit with my sister and I've found one of my favorite things to do and my favorite views in hawaii.
Nothing beats laying on your back beneath a palm tree and listening to the waves crash in.
Nothing beats laying on your back beneath a palm tree and listening to the waves crash in.
This is why my son is not allowed to have markers.
Ok so this is a post I meant to do a few weeks ago, but I never got around to it with me being all quiet and stuff. I decided I'd finally do it now so here goes.
In February we did this thing where we sent heartstones to the soldiers in our company. Apparently they are to be carried in the pocket and when you think of the one you love, you rub it. Over time the constant rubbing will make them smooth. The idea is to take care of them until you return home then give them to the one who has your heart.
A few months ago we were give the opportunity to order a necklace at a reduced price. The necklace is called the "Love and Honor Necklace"
The necklace came with a piece of paper that reads,
I just love that.
In February we did this thing where we sent heartstones to the soldiers in our company. Apparently they are to be carried in the pocket and when you think of the one you love, you rub it. Over time the constant rubbing will make them smooth. The idea is to take care of them until you return home then give them to the one who has your heart.
A few months ago we were give the opportunity to order a necklace at a reduced price. The necklace is called the "Love and Honor Necklace"
The necklace came with a piece of paper that reads,
Hands ... One raised in an oath of allegiance to duty and country. The other, bearing the band of love, honor and faithfulness. This pin tells the world that your vows are being kept, as that oath is being honored.
I just love that.
Time to change the music.
3 a.m.
Matchbox Twenty
She says its cold outside and she hands me my raincoat
Shes always worried about things like that
She says its all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when its raining
And she screams and her voice is straining
(chorus)
She says baby
Its 3am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I cant help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rains gonna wash away I believe it
Shes got a little bit of something, God its better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that shes got it all
She swears the moon dont hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleep when its raining
And she screams and her is straining
(chorus)
She believes that life is made up of all that youre used to
And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside its stopped raining
(chorus)
3 a.m.
Matchbox Twenty
She says its cold outside and she hands me my raincoat
Shes always worried about things like that
She says its all gonna end and it might as well be my fault
And she only sleeps when its raining
And she screams and her voice is straining
(chorus)
She says baby
Its 3am I must be lonely
When she says baby
Well I cant help but be scared of it all sometimes
Says the rains gonna wash away I believe it
Shes got a little bit of something, God its better than nothing
And in her color portrait world she believes that shes got it all
She swears the moon dont hang quite as high as it used to
And she only sleep when its raining
And she screams and her is straining
(chorus)
She believes that life is made up of all that youre used to
And the clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days, and days
She thinks that happiness is a mat that sits on her doorway
But outside its stopped raining
(chorus)
I have been meaning to post this picture. I wanted to show what my wonderful husband had sent to me for Mother's day. It didn't get here until the next day and he wasn't very happy about that, but it was definitely the thought that counted.
Ok so I thought I would just stop by and leave a little update.
I have had a few deccent days. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he was amazing and very helpful. Hopefully, things will be a lot better soon. I've been having fun with my sister. Yesterday we drove around a good bit of the island's shoreline and i think she really enjoyed it.Last night I was able to get 7 hours sleep which is obscene for me, but oh it felt so nice. I also let my sister cut and color my hair last night. She is not a stylist but she does a darn good job usually. She wants to go to school to become one, but i'm not sure if she ever will. I'm going to put up some pictures of my hair before and after. The picture quality sucks because of the lighting so you can't see the hair color difference, but it's there. It's not really a big difference anyway. the cut is the big difference. Please ignore the lopsided smile or the eye fact that my eyes look different. It really is getting much better.
I'm sorry, not much more to say right now. Hopefully I'll be back to my rambling self very soon.
I have had a few deccent days. I went to the doctor on Tuesday and he was amazing and very helpful. Hopefully, things will be a lot better soon. I've been having fun with my sister. Yesterday we drove around a good bit of the island's shoreline and i think she really enjoyed it.Last night I was able to get 7 hours sleep which is obscene for me, but oh it felt so nice. I also let my sister cut and color my hair last night. She is not a stylist but she does a darn good job usually. She wants to go to school to become one, but i'm not sure if she ever will. I'm going to put up some pictures of my hair before and after. The picture quality sucks because of the lighting so you can't see the hair color difference, but it's there. It's not really a big difference anyway. the cut is the big difference. Please ignore the lopsided smile or the eye fact that my eyes look different. It really is getting much better.
I'm sorry, not much more to say right now. Hopefully I'll be back to my rambling self very soon.
I just want to wish all of the wonderful mothers out there a Happy Mother's Day. I hope that it was everything you hoped it would be.
I have some very amazing friends. Over the past few weeks they have been checking up on me, concerned about me. I have made promises that I never intended to keep. I really don't do that but I'd much rather be the one doing the worrying then have them worrying about me. I've always been that way. I've always been the friend that let everyone dump on her and never felt like I could talk to them in return. I've never wanted to be a problem. Thank God I now have a group of friends that won't let me get away with that. I have made several but especially four ladies.
Rebecca, Nikki, Katie, and Heidi. Thank you all for not letting me just fall into this hole. I'm sorry I said if things didn't get better, I'd get help and never meant to. I know you just wanted me to take care of me. Today I cracked a little and the view was enough to scare me into action. I made the appointment and I promise promise promise I'll follow through. I will admit, doing so made me feel better, but at the same time made me feel like a failure.
I keep thinking I'm supposed to be superwoman and make it through this without any help. I keep thinking if I was a good wife, I wouldn't be letting my husband down. If I was a good mom, I wouldn't have moments where I would love for my son to be off visiting family. Where I didn't want to clean my house or even do simple things like getting out of bed.
My husband didn't even realize I was having such a problem with it all. We talked today and he just said he thought I was just missing him. He had no idea how bad it was so the fact that I made the appointment confused him. I told him how I'd been feeling and what all of my friends were saying to me and I admitted that I'd been hiding it all from him because he was dealing with being back over there and I didn't want to make it worse for him. I really expected him to be mad at me. To be disappointed that not only had I not dealt with the deployment well, but I hadn't told him. Thankfully he's such a wonderful man and he talked it out with me. He ended up saying he thought I did the right thing and thanked me for asking for help. This may sound stupid, but that means the world to me. Do I still feel like I let him down? Sure I do. I'll just have to get over it though.
I have a wonderful friend who was talking to me when I told my husband and I told her how scared I was and she pointed out things to me I didn't think about. She just told me it wasn't just the deployment. It was the new life, new home, trying to adjust to being alone on top of my family issues that consumed so much emotional energy for months and a friend that threatened my sanity. Then add the different health things, some major, some not so major but all stressful and the lack of transportation for months..She' was surprised I handled it all as long as I did. That made me feel a little better to know I wasn't just suddenly being over dramatic.
I know this is all a ramble but what I'm trying to get at is I am so blessed. I have never been good at making friends and in person I'm still not good at it, but over the past year I have made some of the most amazing friends. They have brought such strength and warmth into my life. For once I have friends that give back just as much as they receive from me. Lately it's been more of them giving and I am so grateful to all of them.
There are some that weren't mentioned here but every little bit helps. Those five women I talked about today have just made my life so much better lately and put my husband with them and I think I must be the luckiest person in the world.
Rebecca, Nikki, Katie, and Heidi. Thank you all for not letting me just fall into this hole. I'm sorry I said if things didn't get better, I'd get help and never meant to. I know you just wanted me to take care of me. Today I cracked a little and the view was enough to scare me into action. I made the appointment and I promise promise promise I'll follow through. I will admit, doing so made me feel better, but at the same time made me feel like a failure.
I keep thinking I'm supposed to be superwoman and make it through this without any help. I keep thinking if I was a good wife, I wouldn't be letting my husband down. If I was a good mom, I wouldn't have moments where I would love for my son to be off visiting family. Where I didn't want to clean my house or even do simple things like getting out of bed.
My husband didn't even realize I was having such a problem with it all. We talked today and he just said he thought I was just missing him. He had no idea how bad it was so the fact that I made the appointment confused him. I told him how I'd been feeling and what all of my friends were saying to me and I admitted that I'd been hiding it all from him because he was dealing with being back over there and I didn't want to make it worse for him. I really expected him to be mad at me. To be disappointed that not only had I not dealt with the deployment well, but I hadn't told him. Thankfully he's such a wonderful man and he talked it out with me. He ended up saying he thought I did the right thing and thanked me for asking for help. This may sound stupid, but that means the world to me. Do I still feel like I let him down? Sure I do. I'll just have to get over it though.
I have a wonderful friend who was talking to me when I told my husband and I told her how scared I was and she pointed out things to me I didn't think about. She just told me it wasn't just the deployment. It was the new life, new home, trying to adjust to being alone on top of my family issues that consumed so much emotional energy for months and a friend that threatened my sanity. Then add the different health things, some major, some not so major but all stressful and the lack of transportation for months..She' was surprised I handled it all as long as I did. That made me feel a little better to know I wasn't just suddenly being over dramatic.
I know this is all a ramble but what I'm trying to get at is I am so blessed. I have never been good at making friends and in person I'm still not good at it, but over the past year I have made some of the most amazing friends. They have brought such strength and warmth into my life. For once I have friends that give back just as much as they receive from me. Lately it's been more of them giving and I am so grateful to all of them.
There are some that weren't mentioned here but every little bit helps. Those five women I talked about today have just made my life so much better lately and put my husband with them and I think I must be the luckiest person in the world.
That's it..the last straw. I just give up on thinking I'm ever going to have 5 minutes of happiness. OH sure something will make me smile or giggle, but watch out if I think something absolutely wonderful is going to happen..because something is sure to come along and fuck it up! For those of you who i've just offended...i'm angry. This happens when I'm angry and not even often then so just let me have my moment.
I'm just tired of hoping that for once something might actually go in favor of us. No, nothing major has changed as far as I know, but little things can break you just as much as the big things. It just may take a little longer.
Lately every time there could be something to do with my husband that will bring us joy, it gets screwed up. I'm just so tired of it. I am so close to breaking it's not even funny. Would it be too damn much to ask for Five minutes of conversation alone with my husband where one of us doesn't get cut off, have to deal with delays or attention demanding people surrounding us? I guess so..I'm just so glad my marriage is ok because this would seriously make working on it hard. It is making maintaining hard enough. Sad thing is, my marriage may survive this, but I'm not sure I'm going to.
He keeps telling me I'm Superman but even Superman can only handle so much kryptonite before it poisons him.
I'm just tired of hoping that for once something might actually go in favor of us. No, nothing major has changed as far as I know, but little things can break you just as much as the big things. It just may take a little longer.
Lately every time there could be something to do with my husband that will bring us joy, it gets screwed up. I'm just so tired of it. I am so close to breaking it's not even funny. Would it be too damn much to ask for Five minutes of conversation alone with my husband where one of us doesn't get cut off, have to deal with delays or attention demanding people surrounding us? I guess so..I'm just so glad my marriage is ok because this would seriously make working on it hard. It is making maintaining hard enough. Sad thing is, my marriage may survive this, but I'm not sure I'm going to.
He keeps telling me I'm Superman but even Superman can only handle so much kryptonite before it poisons him.
Time to change the song.
Be With You
Enrique Iglesias
Monday night I feel so low
Count the hours they go so slow
I know the sound of your voice
Can save my soul
City lights, streets of gold
Look out my window to the world below
Moves so fast and it feels so cold
And I'm all alone
Don't let me die
I'm losing my mind
Baby just give me a sign
And now that you're gone
I just wanna be with you
And I can't go on
I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you
I can't sleep and I'm up all night
Through these tears I try to smile
I know the touch of your hand
Can save my life
Don't let me down
Come to me now
I got to be with you some how
[Repeat Chorus]
And now that you're gone
Who am I without you now
I can't go on
I just wanna be with you
[Repeat Chorus]
Be With You
Enrique Iglesias
Monday night I feel so low
Count the hours they go so slow
I know the sound of your voice
Can save my soul
City lights, streets of gold
Look out my window to the world below
Moves so fast and it feels so cold
And I'm all alone
Don't let me die
I'm losing my mind
Baby just give me a sign
And now that you're gone
I just wanna be with you
And I can't go on
I wanna be with you
Wanna be with you
I can't sleep and I'm up all night
Through these tears I try to smile
I know the touch of your hand
Can save my life
Don't let me down
Come to me now
I got to be with you some how
[Repeat Chorus]
And now that you're gone
Who am I without you now
I can't go on
I just wanna be with you
[Repeat Chorus]
I just had to brag a little because I can't find the words to really express how great something seemingly little made me feel today. I signed on to do my email thing tonight and signed on AKO just in case my husband was on. He had left me a message an hour before that said
Baby, I love you more than I could ever put into words and that little thing that probably took you a minute or two, touched as deeply as some elaborate scheme ever could. So here I'm saying it for all to see..well at least those that actually read my blog..I'm madly in love with you and despite our current situation, I can't imagine not having you in my life at all. Thank you!
"Just thought I'd drop by and let you know that I'm madly in love with you"That's all it said. Isn't that more than enough? It had me almost crying and my sister sniffling, begging me not to cry.
Baby, I love you more than I could ever put into words and that little thing that probably took you a minute or two, touched as deeply as some elaborate scheme ever could. So here I'm saying it for all to see..well at least those that actually read my blog..I'm madly in love with you and despite our current situation, I can't imagine not having you in my life at all. Thank you!
My sister is here. She came early this afternoon and will be staying with me at least until mid July. We had a really great time together. We ran a few errands, had dinner, and then went to one of the beaches nearby. It was just something we had to do. So here three of us are, in our jeans, playing in the surf. It was fun, but of course the minute I'm enjoying myself most is the minute I find myself heartbroken. Watching my son try to swim fully clothed out into the water, I found myself wanting to turn to him and laugh with him. Forget the fact that my son can't swim or that we were fussing at him to come back some. I just wanted him there so badly. I hope it's not going to always be like this. That every time I have a moment of enjoyment, it's not going to be followed by sorrow. I just can't handle it.
I'm glad my sister is here. It's like getting to know her all over again. She's changed a good bit over the years and I have missed a lot. It will be good catching up with her again. She makes me laugh and it really does feel good to do so again.
I'm glad my sister is here. It's like getting to know her all over again. She's changed a good bit over the years and I have missed a lot. It will be good catching up with her again. She makes me laugh and it really does feel good to do so again.
Forgiveness is a funny thing. I like to think of myself as a very forgiving person. I've forgiven things in my life I never thought possible. Tonight I am asking myself though if I could give unconditional forgiveness. I'm talking the "I don't care what you do did , even if it was (insert the worst possible thing) here" forgiveness. I don't know if I could do it. Tonight I was lucky enough to be given that kind of forgiveness and it humbled me. I can't go into details but I am asking myself if I would have done the same thing were I in her shoes. It's something I'll have to think about.
It's a beautiful day here today, but I really need to be cleaning. I'm sitting here with the windows open watching my son play with his legos. He's so creative. Outside I hear my neighbor playing with his son. He was nice enough to let my son help him wash his car earlier. I hear them playing as well as another set of brothers out riding their skateboards and my heart is breaking. Sure my son is content to play with his blocks but I know he wishes he was out there playing with his dad.
I'm just so tired of him having to wish.
I'm so tired of being lonely.
I'm just so tired of him having to wish.
I'm so tired of being lonely.
I had a friend tell me today that she was concerned that I wasn't really doing ok because I had been quiet lately. I have thought about it off and on today and remembered that my mom posed the same question yesterday. She hadn't heard from me in a few days and was worried. It worried her even more that I had nothing to say when she called.
I've not got a very exciting person. My life is fairly hum drum, but I very rarely can not find something to ramble about, but lately I just have no words. For anything.
I was talking to my husband the other day and I told him I felt like he was distant lately. I thought that all of the trouble we have had talking lately was him pulling away. Now I'm starting to think it's me. Maybe I'm the problem?
I have to admit I've felt so emotionally overwhelmed lately. Even a sappy commercial is more than I can seem to handle. I promised two of my friends if I can't get a handle on things soon I would seek help. The professional kind. At this point, I have no problem asking for medical help. I'm actually getting quite used to seeing my doctor. Good thing I like the man.
Ok so here are some updates on my life of late. My sister is coming to stay with me for a few months. I can't tell you how much help this is going to be. I will be able to get around without having to depend on everyone else. We are paying for her to come stay so i certainly won't feel guilty about dragging her along for the ride.
I had another check up for the Bell's Palsy. My face is much better. He could see a good deal of improvement and frankly I'm thrilled I can taste again. I can tell a difference in some things. He did say it will take a long time. He made sure I got that point clearly and since it is taking so long to clear up, there is a chance that something will not come back. Like the corner of my mouth or my eye..things like that. I will deal because it could be much worse.
Over the past month, we've also been keeping an eye on my blood pressure. It's been a little high and this past time he finally diagnosed me with high blood pressure. I start medicine as soon as I can get to the pharmacy to pick it up. It's not a life or death thing, just something he wants to get under control before it gets there. I've been trying to lose weight, but honestly it's really hard on my own. Thankfully I have a doctor who cares and understands. Instead of making me feel worse, he actually offered help. Real help. Not just advice that is not really all that helpful.
There is a program offered by the army hospital here called Lean -n- Lite or something like that. It's a comprehensive weight loss program that focuses on all aspects. not just the losing weight. It teaches coping mechanisms, healthy exercise programs, and good eating habits. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm ready for something to change.
Well I guess that's all for now. Hopefully I will find my groove again very soon. For now I'm going to shower and go to bed earl. My allergies are driving me insane and all I want to do is rest my eyes.
I've not got a very exciting person. My life is fairly hum drum, but I very rarely can not find something to ramble about, but lately I just have no words. For anything.
I was talking to my husband the other day and I told him I felt like he was distant lately. I thought that all of the trouble we have had talking lately was him pulling away. Now I'm starting to think it's me. Maybe I'm the problem?
I have to admit I've felt so emotionally overwhelmed lately. Even a sappy commercial is more than I can seem to handle. I promised two of my friends if I can't get a handle on things soon I would seek help. The professional kind. At this point, I have no problem asking for medical help. I'm actually getting quite used to seeing my doctor. Good thing I like the man.
Ok so here are some updates on my life of late. My sister is coming to stay with me for a few months. I can't tell you how much help this is going to be. I will be able to get around without having to depend on everyone else. We are paying for her to come stay so i certainly won't feel guilty about dragging her along for the ride.
I had another check up for the Bell's Palsy. My face is much better. He could see a good deal of improvement and frankly I'm thrilled I can taste again. I can tell a difference in some things. He did say it will take a long time. He made sure I got that point clearly and since it is taking so long to clear up, there is a chance that something will not come back. Like the corner of my mouth or my eye..things like that. I will deal because it could be much worse.
Over the past month, we've also been keeping an eye on my blood pressure. It's been a little high and this past time he finally diagnosed me with high blood pressure. I start medicine as soon as I can get to the pharmacy to pick it up. It's not a life or death thing, just something he wants to get under control before it gets there. I've been trying to lose weight, but honestly it's really hard on my own. Thankfully I have a doctor who cares and understands. Instead of making me feel worse, he actually offered help. Real help. Not just advice that is not really all that helpful.
There is a program offered by the army hospital here called Lean -n- Lite or something like that. It's a comprehensive weight loss program that focuses on all aspects. not just the losing weight. It teaches coping mechanisms, healthy exercise programs, and good eating habits. I'm really looking forward to it. I'm ready for something to change.
Well I guess that's all for now. Hopefully I will find my groove again very soon. For now I'm going to shower and go to bed earl. My allergies are driving me insane and all I want to do is rest my eyes.
Today I learned that people will sacrifice their extra hour of sleep just to help you and not expect anything in return.
Today I learned that it's a great feeling to have people ask your help and know you are more than happy to oblige.
Today I learned that sometimes a potential friend is right under your nose, you just have to open your eyes and sometimes when you finally do it's too late.
Today I learned that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up, a little part of you does. That little part is enough to knock you on your butt for a moment but if you remember why you didn't want to get your hopes up in the first place, you'll be ok.
Today I learned that no matter how over something you think you are, there is at least one person who can rip open those scars faster than you can blink and leave you feeling just as broken as you were before.
I hope I don't learn so much tomorrow.
Today I learned that it's a great feeling to have people ask your help and know you are more than happy to oblige.
Today I learned that sometimes a potential friend is right under your nose, you just have to open your eyes and sometimes when you finally do it's too late.
Today I learned that no matter how much you try not to get your hopes up, a little part of you does. That little part is enough to knock you on your butt for a moment but if you remember why you didn't want to get your hopes up in the first place, you'll be ok.
Today I learned that no matter how over something you think you are, there is at least one person who can rip open those scars faster than you can blink and leave you feeling just as broken as you were before.
I hope I don't learn so much tomorrow.
Where I grew up we had some very colorful skies in the evenings. So many different pinks and purples and many other colors. The sad thing about it is you knew that most of that was from all of the pollution in the air. Surrounded by oil refineries and chemical plants, there was a great deal of pollution in the air.
Imagine my joy when I started experience the evening sky here. Some of the most beautiful pink skies and not a chemical plant in sight. No oil refineries here. Thank God there are still some places that are still naturally beautiful.
Imagine my joy when I started experience the evening sky here. Some of the most beautiful pink skies and not a chemical plant in sight. No oil refineries here. Thank God there are still some places that are still naturally beautiful.
