Just Simply Jen

I have some very amazing friends. Over the past few weeks they have been checking up on me, concerned about me. I have made promises that I never intended to keep. I really don't do that but I'd much rather be the one doing the worrying then have them worrying about me. I've always been that way. I've always been the friend that let everyone dump on her and never felt like I could talk to them in return. I've never wanted to be a problem. Thank God I now have a group of friends that won't let me get away with that. I have made several but especially four ladies.
Rebecca, Nikki, Katie, and Heidi. Thank you all for not letting me just fall into this hole. I'm sorry I said if things didn't get better, I'd get help and never meant to. I know you just wanted me to take care of me. Today I cracked a little and the view was enough to scare me into action. I made the appointment and I promise promise promise I'll follow through. I will admit, doing so made me feel better, but at the same time made me feel like a failure.
I keep thinking I'm supposed to be superwoman and make it through this without any help. I keep thinking if I was a good wife, I wouldn't be letting my husband down. If I was a good mom, I wouldn't have moments where I would love for my son to be off visiting family. Where I didn't want to clean my house or even do simple things like getting out of bed.
My husband didn't even realize I was having such a problem with it all. We talked today and he just said he thought I was just missing him. He had no idea how bad it was so the fact that I made the appointment confused him. I told him how I'd been feeling and what all of my friends were saying to me and I admitted that I'd been hiding it all from him because he was dealing with being back over there and I didn't want to make it worse for him. I really expected him to be mad at me. To be disappointed that not only had I not dealt with the deployment well, but I hadn't told him. Thankfully he's such a wonderful man and he talked it out with me. He ended up saying he thought I did the right thing and thanked me for asking for help. This may sound stupid, but that means the world to me. Do I still feel like I let him down? Sure I do. I'll just have to get over it though.
I have a wonderful friend who was talking to me when I told my husband and I told her how scared I was and she pointed out things to me I didn't think about. She just told me it wasn't just the deployment. It was the new life, new home, trying to adjust to being alone on top of my family issues that consumed so much emotional energy for months and a friend that threatened my sanity. Then add the different health things, some major, some not so major but all stressful and the lack of transportation for months..She' was surprised I handled it all as long as I did. That made me feel a little better to know I wasn't just suddenly being over dramatic.
I know this is all a ramble but what I'm trying to get at is I am so blessed. I have never been good at making friends and in person I'm still not good at it, but over the past year I have made some of the most amazing friends. They have brought such strength and warmth into my life. For once I have friends that give back just as much as they receive from me. Lately it's been more of them giving and I am so grateful to all of them.
There are some that weren't mentioned here but every little bit helps. Those five women I talked about today have just made my life so much better lately and put my husband with them and I think I must be the luckiest person in the world.