Just Simply Jen

Just when you think you have this need thing under control, it comes back and smacks you in the face.
I've been doing really well lately. Happier than I have been for the first time in a long time. I've totally been head over heels in love and enjoying every second of it. I still missed my husband really badly but it was different. It was bearable and manageable and led to trips down memory lane. Imagine my shock when for the first time in almost two months I had a total breakdown.
Yesterday was a really great day and this morning had been going fairly well also. My husband and I were talking and I decided that my son and I would come upstairs so my sister could take a nap. I told my husband I'd be right back and did what I needed to get my son settled upstairs in his room. Ten minutes had passed before I could get back to my computer and I got no response. My husband had fallen asleep.
I wasn't mad. I understand he was probably pretty sleepy and didn't realize how sleepy until he was already asleep. I still felt crushed. I had this need so strong just to talk to him. I messaged him several more times and then just gave up. I felt like a brick was on my chest and I couldn't breathe. To distract myself, I played cards on my computer.
About 45 minutes later he came on apologizing for falling asleep. I was so glad he was on but I knew he probably needed to go back to sleep and told him as much. He said he was fine so we spent time talking and such. It was about 0130 when he finally said he had to go to bed. I told him goodnight and all of the sudden I just completely broke down. I felt it coming but was in denial, thinking it was just a little sadness seeping through at having to say goodbye. I was wrong. I started sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. I tried to muffle it in my pillow and calm down but my son still heard me. He came in and was incredibly sweet and more perceptive that I ever imagined he was. Our conversation was something like...

son: "don't cry Mommy"
me: "I'm sorry"
son: "you crying? You miss daddy?"
me: (crying harder now) "Yes baby, I miss daddy a lot."
son: "ok. I love you."

I have since calmed down a great deal but he keeps coming in every few minutes and talking to me. He always asks me if I'm crying still and offers hugs. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I don't think this means that I'm headed back to that scary place I was in before. I think I just had a moment where I wanted something I couldn't have so badly that it was more than I could handle. I'm learning that crying isn't a sign of weakness, it's just one of those things. I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes.

"Kisses are like tears. The only real ones are the ones you can't hold back."

My life is really about to change and, even though I know it is for the best, it scares me a little. I don't think the change itself scares me as much as the process of changing. What if I fail? This time it's more than pride on the line. It's my health. Tomorrow I start a program that is designed to teach people how to live a healthier lifestyle in order to keep them from developing more serious health issues and in some cases even eliminate the ones they currently have. For me it's about more than just losing weight. It's about becoming a healthy person and knowing that I will be here for my son. I know that is not a guarantee, but it doesn't hurt to not put yourself in harms way when you can do something about it. I'm really excited about the program but very scared I will let people down. Mainly myself.
Here's to hoping that things go very well.

Ok so I disappeared for a few days. Not that unusual lately. the reason was a little different this time though. My computer completely crapped on me. It did it in slow, maddening steps. First I just couldn't stay online...so I thought it was my router. Then I couldn't get certain features on my windows..I thought I had a virus. I scanned but never found anything. It kept getting slower and slower until I couldn't even load windows anymore. I tried so many different things and talked to people much more skilled with computers than I and in the end I lost everything. The only fix was to completely wipe it clean and start over. I lost so many pictures and all sorts of things. It doesn't really matter though. I needed to be able to get back online so I could spend time talking to my husband and now I can.
We've been spending a lot of time at the beach lately. It's really been nice. We are all getting tan and used to having sand about everywhere you can possibly have sand. We've spent a few nights out on the beach. The first time it was with blankets and no tent and it rained so I was pretty misserable. Everyone else huddled under the blankets that had protective lining and I ended up wet and freezing. Last night we tried again and this time with a tent. It was much better. There is something to be said for waking up, walking out the door and being faced with a lot of sand and a gorgeous ocean. The water was so beautiful and I loved it. I tried to swim and ended up getting my butt kicked by the waves. Nothing major, but I won't be trying to swim those waves again anytime soon.
Hopefully I will have something more exciting to post soon. Things are going well for a change and I'm loving it. Now all I need is him home and in my arms and life will be grand.

I had forgotten how much I loved to read. It really used to be an obsession. In high school, it wasn't unusual to see me maneuvering through the crowds while my nose was stuck in a book. I spent as many lunches as possible in the library combing through the stacks. All of my friends swore I was going to be a librarian. After I had my son I didn't read for a long time. I never had time. Over the past five years I've had periods where I would read a lot then nothing for a long time. With Keith gone so much over the past year, I really haven't had the chance to read. I'm not the type that can usually read and do a lot else. I tend to get totally absorbed in what I'm reading to the exclusion of everything else. Well my sister is here now and I slowly slid back into a book. It took me a while to get into a rhythm and a long time to read what used to take me only a night. Last night I finished a wonderful book and this morning I finished off another that I started yesterday. I think the addiction is coming back because now I want to read more. It feels so good to be getting lost in the land of fantasy again.
I have to recommend the book I finished this morning. It is "Sam's Letters to Jennifer" by James Patterson. Make sure you have a tissue handy. If you like mystery, then I recommend "Nighttime Is My Time" by Mary Higgins Clark. Ok so I recommend any of her books, but that is the one I just finished. I'm not sure what I'll read next. Let me know if you've read either of those books and what you thought of them. I'm also always open to suggestions.

It's so odd how things happen when we need them most. I was missing my husband this morning. I've been missing how it felt to be in his arms and honestly sometimes I forget how it feels. I happend upon one of his t-shirts that had somehow been missed before and hadn't been washed. He is much smaller than I am so nothing of his ever fits me but on a whim I decided to try it on. It fit! That wasn't even the exciting part.
I put it on and all of the sudden I was hit with this familiar scent. This scent I had totally forgotten even existed. It was him. That cologne/body scent that is only his. I took the shirt off and it was all I could do to not cry. It was so good to have that. I sat here with the shirt pressed to my face and for a moment he didn't seem so far away. For a minute I could remember what it felt like to have his arms around me and my face against his chest. Sure it made me ache, but it also seemed to help with the desperation that was sneaking up on me as I began to realize it would be a long time still before I got to feel all of that again.
He's online now so I will stop this ramble. My heart is full.

When I sit down to write lately, I find myself with a distinct lack of words. Life has been fairly uneventful but in a good way. We've been hanging out and just enjoying the summer. I've been to the movies more in the past month than I have in the past 5 years. They were all good movies too. We went and saw Over the Hedge, X-Men: The Last Stand, and Cars. I won't go into what I thought about the movies or give away anything but I do have to say that Cars was awesome. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.
I wish I had something more interesting to say. I will post something I was talking about to a friend a little later. It's pretty funny. For now I'm just going to finish watching Finding Nemo and enjoy the breeze.

It was time for something new and I really love this video. Hope you like it too.

Savin' Me
Nickelback

Prison gates won't open up for me
On these hands and knees I'm crawlin'
Oh, I reach for you
Well I'm terrified of these four walls
These iron bars can't hold my soul in
All I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'

Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me


Heaven's gates won't open up for me
With these broken wings I'm fallin'
And all I see is you
These city walls ain't got no love for me
I'm on the ledge of the eighteenth story
And oh I scream for you
Come please I'm callin'
And all I need from you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'


Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'


And all I need is you
Come please I'm callin'
And oh I scream for you
Hurry I'm fallin', I'm fallin'


Show me what it's like
To be the last one standing
And teach me wrong from right
And I'll show you what I can be
Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me
Hurry I'm fallin'

Say it for me
Say it to me
And I'll leave this life behind me
Say it if it's worth saving me

I have sat down several times this week to write an entry and I have found myself lacking in words. There is not a lot of excitement going on. The most excitement we had this week was us playing in our little kiddie pool. All of us are working our way to actually looking like we live in a tropical paradise. It's about time.
My son had a TB test and his shots done this week. He really did very well. The man who placed the TB test totally made the mean mother come out in me. I wanted to knock him out. Not only was he rude, but he was incredibly rough. He left a nasty bruise and made my son bleed. This was the second time we had this done and the first guy didn't even make him sniffle. When we went back to have it read and get his shots I was determined that man was not touching my child. Luckily the other man was doing the shots and it went fairly well. IMy son struggled a little and he fussed some, though it sound more like laughing. All in all, I was really proud of him.
I think one of the funniest things this week was my sister yelling out the car window at a MP. We were coming into the gate where I live and no one was at the gate. A car was a little farther up and it had an MP leaning out the window with a radar gun. She was speeding a little and he yelled at her to slow down. She yells out the window "Okay. Sorry!" I couldn't help it. I died laughing. Later that night when we came through the gate he was checking ID's and gave her a look. Needless to say she's not speeding anymore. Kind of funny.
We are officially past the halfway point. Six more months and he should be back home with us. I know I should be thrilled, but it still seems like it's so long. Some days I wonder how in the world I can go that much longer like this, but I know it's all going to be fine. We'll be a family again and will be all that much more appreciative of each other. At least that is how I'm hoping it will be. For now I will just keep breathing and taking it one day at a time.

I'm changing the song again and dedicating this one to my husband.
Baby, I know you don't really like country music, but this song says how I feel better than I ever could. I love you so much. I can't wait until you are home with me.

Amazed
Lonestar

Every time our eyes meet
This feeling inside me
Is almost more than I can take
Baby when you touch me
I can feel how much you love me
And it just blows me away
I've never been this close to anyone or anything
I can hear your thoughts
I can see your dreams

I don't know how you do what you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

The smell of your skin
The taste of your kiss
The way you whisper in the dark
Your hair all around me
Baby you surround me
You touch every place in my heart
Oh, it feels like the first time, every time
I want to spend the whole night in your eyes

Chorus

Every little thing that you do
I'm so in love with you
It just keeps getting better
I want to spend the rest of my life
With you by my side
Forever and ever
Every little thing that you do
Baby, I'm amazed by you

THere are people in our lives that inspire us to do new things. To break out of our shells. Thankfully, my sister is one of those people. The past few days I've tried several things I would have just brushed off before without trying. Today it was Starbucks. I have never liked coffee. The closest you could get me to it is gas station cappucino and I know that's not even close. Before you hardcore coffee drinkers start with the "Starbucks isn't even all that good" I'm starting somewhere. Give me credit for that. I had a Vanilla Latte and it was really good. My sister had a Cafe Mocha and I tasted that and really liked it as well. I can't wait to see what is next.
Both my sister and i are sporting sunburns. Hers is much worse than mine. I have to say that any pain is well worth the time spent getting it. I bought some water guns and a wading pool yesterday. Today we set up the pool and pulled out the guns. It was a blast. The three of us climbed in the little pool and had so much fun splashing and relaxing. My son was in heaven and it was so nice to relax and just have fun with no worries.
Last night I spent some time online playing games with my husband. I'm having a great couple of days and am doing my best not to be waiting for the next bad thing to happen. It's a bit of a challenge but I don't mind a challenge.

Today was a good day. It started off with me talking to my husband on the phone. I love doing that. The only thing I hate is saying goodbye. I had some lunch and spent a few hours watching "Who's Wedding Is It Anyways?" with my sister. We got dressed and headed out to Walmart. It's been warm here and without air conditioning, I needed a few more fans for at night at least. We picked those up and a few other things we needed. Spent way too much money, but I had to get my ever growing son some clothes and we also got a few fun things. Water guns and a small pool for my son to play in the backyard. I can't wait until we can break out the water guns. It's going to be fun.
After our little shopping trip, we went to Outback to eat. I'd never been to the city that it is in so it was nice to see something new. It was a nice little town. I wouldn't mind living in that area. Dinner was fun. We had the blossom and some bread and were mostly full by the time our meal arrived. I had a drink while waiting . It was called a Lava Flow. Fresh strawberries, pineapple juice, mailbu rum, bicardi light rum, and coconut syrup. It was awesome!! I didn't really taste the coconut. Mainly strawberry and pinneapple. It was so freaking good!!! I wanted more but only had the one. I don't have the tolerance I used to and it made me pretty tipsy. I can't remember the last time I felt so relaxed. It was nice.
We left there and decided to go to the other walmart because my sister needed something we couldn't find at the first one. That drive was so much fun. Usually if I have a drink I get relaxed then really sleepy, but for some reason I was really hyper. We were dancing in the car and just having a good old time. We laughed a lot and that felt so good. I really was wishing my husband was with us because he would have had so much fun.
We got what we needed from walmart and my sister got me an energy drink becuase my hyperness was going down. I didn't want to try it because I thought it would taste nasty but it tasted really yummy. I expected it to give me a good bit of energy but I guess I'll settle for it letting me stay awake. . We came home and she pretty much dropped us off, freshened up and went to hang out with a friend of hers. We were all invited, but my husband mentioned being on tonight and I don't want to miss that chance. It's rare he has an afternoon to spend online. Ok so lately not as rare, but I'll take it while I can get it because who knows how long it will last.
Anyway so we're here and she's out playing pool instead of all of us getting together and playing games. I put together the two fans I bought. They were really easy to do. I need to do some dishes and throw some laundry in. We'll see if I actually get that done though.
It was just really nice to be so relaxed, even if it didn't last as long as I would have liked it to. Now I'm going to try and get my son to sleep and the few things I really need to get done. Totally not the fun way to end the evening, but sometimes you just do what you have to.