I've been doing really well lately. Happier than I have been for the first time in a long time. I've totally been head over heels in love and enjoying every second of it. I still missed my husband really badly but it was different. It was bearable and manageable and led to trips down memory lane. Imagine my shock when for the first time in almost two months I had a total breakdown.
Yesterday was a really great day and this morning had been going fairly well also. My husband and I were talking and I decided that my son and I would come upstairs so my sister could take a nap. I told my husband I'd be right back and did what I needed to get my son settled upstairs in his room. Ten minutes had passed before I could get back to my computer and I got no response. My husband had fallen asleep.
I wasn't mad. I understand he was probably pretty sleepy and didn't realize how sleepy until he was already asleep. I still felt crushed. I had this need so strong just to talk to him. I messaged him several more times and then just gave up. I felt like a brick was on my chest and I couldn't breathe. To distract myself, I played cards on my computer.
About 45 minutes later he came on apologizing for falling asleep. I was so glad he was on but I knew he probably needed to go back to sleep and told him as much. He said he was fine so we spent time talking and such. It was about 0130 when he finally said he had to go to bed. I told him goodnight and all of the sudden I just completely broke down. I felt it coming but was in denial, thinking it was just a little sadness seeping through at having to say goodbye. I was wrong. I started sobbing so hard I couldn't breathe. I tried to muffle it in my pillow and calm down but my son still heard me. He came in and was incredibly sweet and more perceptive that I ever imagined he was. Our conversation was something like...
son: "don't cry Mommy"
me: "I'm sorry"
son: "you crying? You miss daddy?"
me: (crying harder now) "Yes baby, I miss daddy a lot."
son: "ok. I love you."
I have since calmed down a great deal but he keeps coming in every few minutes and talking to me. He always asks me if I'm crying still and offers hugs. I don't know what I'd do without him.
I don't think this means that I'm headed back to that scary place I was in before. I think I just had a moment where I wanted something I couldn't have so badly that it was more than I could handle. I'm learning that crying isn't a sign of weakness, it's just one of those things. I'm going to leave you with one of my favorite quotes.
"Kisses are like tears. The only real ones are the ones you can't hold back."
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