I just made an insanely long post and then, after spell checking it, I deleted it. I did it on purpose. It wasn't one of those fluke things that makes you want to scream. The post was simply me getting my issues out and then letting them go. For the most part that will be the last I see of these particular ones. It felt really, really good.
I hope you like the newest video. It's called Everybody's Fool and it's by Evanescence. I really love the song and the video is really well done. This is something so many people can relate to although most likely on not quite as big of a scale as the video portrays. I know I can identify.
The video I have up now is of a song I found quite by accident. I was looking for a different Steven Curtis Chapman video, but this turned out to be the only one they had. I watched it and instantly fell in love. The song is featured on the Chronicles of Narnia soundtrack and obviously a lot of the video is actually clips from the movie. I haven't seen the movie, but this made me want to all the more.
I put the video up so my husband could see it because I knew he would love it. It turned out that he couldn't see it anyway, but I'm leaving it up. I'm posting the lyrics too because this song has come to mean a lot to me.
This is what Chapman had to say about the story and the song.
The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe leaves me with a constant reminder... that every time I experience spring or new life or a new day, that these are a picture of redemption and of restoration. I want to remember what that means and what that represents, and that this truth is not just for things in the past, but also this hope is for the future.
I wrote the song “Remembering You” that is from the perspective of a lot of the characters in the book, it could be Lucy, it could be any of the children at the end of the story saying, “Whenever I see the first signs of spring, I’m going to be remembering you. I’m going to be remembering Aslan, remembering the story and what is to come.”
In my current situation, I hear it and can't help but think of my husband. The first two verses could have been written just about us. They fit us so well. We met in the oddest of places and I was in a very dark place in my life. I knew very very early on that there was something special about him. I have found so much of myself through him and he has shown me a life I didn't know could exist. This song is so amazing. It is yet another example of Chapman's excellent song writing talent.
Remembering You
Steven Curtis Chapman and Caleb Chapman
I found You in the most unlikely way
But really it was You who found me
And I found myself in the gifts that You gave
You gave me so much and I
I wish You could stay
but I'll, I'll wait for the day
Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
From the first moment when I heard Your name
Something in my heart came alive
You showed me love and no words could explain
A love with the power to
Open the door
To a world I was made for
Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
The dark night, the hard fight
The long climb up the hill knowing the cost
The brave death, the last breathe
The silence whispering all hope was lost
The thunder, the wonder
A power that brings the dead back to life
I wish You could stay
But I'll wait for the day
And though You've gone away
You come back and
Chorus
And I watch as the cold winter melts into spring
And I'll be remembering You
Oh and I'll smell the flowers and hear the birds sing
and I'll be remembering You, I'll be remembering You
And I'll watch as the sun fills a sky that was dark
And I'll be remembering You
And I'll think of the way that You fill up my heart
And I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You
I'll be remembering You
It makes me want to wag my tail. When it comes I want to yell MAIL! Yes...that was sung, but not out loud. If I did, I would hear it from now until eternity. For those of you who for some reason have been stranded on another planet, that is the mail song from Blue's Clues. Well at least it was at one point. I don't even know if that show comes on anymore much less has the same mail song. Anyway, I guess I should get to why I'm even singing such a silly song.
It really isn't all that unusual that I would be singing a silly song, but this one was because we had a wonderful day when the mail came. It wasn't bad before, but this definitely perked us up. My mail came with a birth announcement from a friend back in SC. It had pictures of all of her kids in it for me including the newest addition. Oh she is a beautiful little girl. That entire family is gorgeous! Also in the mail was a bill I had already paid and four packages.
The first package was a pair of shoes I had bought for my son off of ebay. They were brand new Star Wars shoes. He loved them and I relished the fact that I had saved about $10 including shipping buying them off of ebay.
The second package was the Spiderman 2 movie I bought off of ebay for really cheap. My son was in heaven. I'm already tired of watching it.
The third package was yet another thing I had bought on ebay. It is a beautiful box I am going to use to keep my spicy letters from my husband in. The outside has a dragon and crane on the top and a lotus blossom and some other flower on the front. On the inside it has beautiful pictures on the top and bottom. These pictures look like something out of the kama sutra, but with a chinese feel to it. I absolutely love it!
The last package was the best in my opinion. It was from my husband and I had been waiting a few weeks for it. It had a shirt and a set of rattlesnake egg magnet things for my son. You toss the magnets in the air and they make this whirring sound as they hit together. For me there was a silver pendant that has my name in english on one side and arabic on the other. I can't wait to get a chain so I can wear it. He also bought me a hat. It is a booney cap..at least I think that is what they are called. I will post some pictures instead of trying to describe it to you. One side of it is folded down because it has where he is stationed embroidered on it. It has tweety on it. I have loved Tweety as long as I can remember. I even went through a big tweety collection phase. I hardly ever get anything with Tweety on it anymore so this was a great surprise. I love everything he gave me. It was like Christmas again.
I'm sitting here remembering that, a little over two months ago, it was not unusual for me to be in bed by 10pm. Oh, how I long for those days. I have not gone to bed before 6 am for the past two nights. I was already having trouble falling asleep before the past two nights, but at least it was still dark out when I went to sleep then. I would stay up until about 3 am when my husband would see me online and tell me to go to bed.
Well two nights ago my son fell asleep about 9 pm or maybe a little before only to wake up around 11pm and be wide awake. Well normally that would be ok because he'd fall asleep not too much later, but he snuck the pepsi I had bought earlier in the day and drank half of it before I realized he even had it. It would figure that this was one of the nights I wanted to go to bed at a decent time. Finally at sometime around six in the morning he crashed from his caffeine high and I crawled into bed. We slept until noon which was fine because we didn't have anything planned for the day.
All day yesterday I felt so wiped even though I managed six hours of sleep. There is just something about sleeping during the day that doesn't do it for me. I just never feel rested enough. Last night I was looking forward to going to bed at a decent time, but I just couldn't really seem to get tired. My son was asleep around midnight, which was late for him, but it was early considering the day he'd had. I stayed online doing whatever I was doing..I honestly don't remember. About 1:30 my husband came online. I hadn't talked to him in a few days so I was happy to see him. Normally when he is on at this time of his day, it is a quick hello and then he is back to work. Even when he isn't in the middle of a work day, it's very rare when we can talk for more than the 30 minute time limit. Well last night we were able to talk for about 4 hours. It was so great to talk to him and after about twenty minutes of talking to him, I forgot I was tired. We finally got off the computer around 5:30 my time and by the time I made it to bed it was right around six. He tried to call me about 20 minutes later because I had asked him to. I really wanted to hear his voice. For some reason, we couldn't get a connection so he went ahead and went to chow then came back and called me. I ended up being able to get a few hours sleep after that, but today I feel like I'm dragging once again. I wonder how long it will take me to get back into a sane sleep pattern.
I feel very much like the dummy today. I'm supposed to be at bible study right now, but I thought that maintenance was going to be coming this afternoon to finish working on my fence and I didn't know how long it would take so I didn't even bother finding someone to keep my son or a ride to the study. It didn't even dawn on me that today was President's Day and there would be no maintenance workers around today. By the time my super smart self realized this, I felt it was too late to ask someone to keep my son and try and find a ride. I so feel stupid. What's worse is I never remembered to call the woman doing the bible study and let her know that I wasn't going to be able to make it. If I had she would have been able to tell me I probably had the wrong day in mind and I would have been able to make arrangements. I swear, my memory is horrible lately. I guess I will just have to make it next month and learn how to set better reminders for myself. I have to do something..this is getting sad.
On a much lighter note, tonight was the debut of Power Rangers: Mystic Force. Not a big deal to me, but my son has been waiting for this since November or December when they first started showing teasers for it. He is a big Power Rangers fan and this just made his day. I personally thought it wasn't one of the better Power Rangers, well as far as the quality of that show can go, but hey, he's happy so I'm happy. He actually seemed to get bored with it though so maybe I will be spared the torture of watching it on a regular basis.
I'm going to get off of here and go do stuff that actually needs to be done. I bet most of you wish I had done that at the beginning of the post and spared you the dullness that is my life.
All day yesterday I felt so wiped even though I managed six hours of sleep. There is just something about sleeping during the day that doesn't do it for me. I just never feel rested enough. Last night I was looking forward to going to bed at a decent time, but I just couldn't really seem to get tired. My son was asleep around midnight, which was late for him, but it was early considering the day he'd had. I stayed online doing whatever I was doing..I honestly don't remember. About 1:30 my husband came online. I hadn't talked to him in a few days so I was happy to see him. Normally when he is on at this time of his day, it is a quick hello and then he is back to work. Even when he isn't in the middle of a work day, it's very rare when we can talk for more than the 30 minute time limit. Well last night we were able to talk for about 4 hours. It was so great to talk to him and after about twenty minutes of talking to him, I forgot I was tired. We finally got off the computer around 5:30 my time and by the time I made it to bed it was right around six. He tried to call me about 20 minutes later because I had asked him to. I really wanted to hear his voice. For some reason, we couldn't get a connection so he went ahead and went to chow then came back and called me. I ended up being able to get a few hours sleep after that, but today I feel like I'm dragging once again. I wonder how long it will take me to get back into a sane sleep pattern.
I feel very much like the dummy today. I'm supposed to be at bible study right now, but I thought that maintenance was going to be coming this afternoon to finish working on my fence and I didn't know how long it would take so I didn't even bother finding someone to keep my son or a ride to the study. It didn't even dawn on me that today was President's Day and there would be no maintenance workers around today. By the time my super smart self realized this, I felt it was too late to ask someone to keep my son and try and find a ride. I so feel stupid. What's worse is I never remembered to call the woman doing the bible study and let her know that I wasn't going to be able to make it. If I had she would have been able to tell me I probably had the wrong day in mind and I would have been able to make arrangements. I swear, my memory is horrible lately. I guess I will just have to make it next month and learn how to set better reminders for myself. I have to do something..this is getting sad.
On a much lighter note, tonight was the debut of Power Rangers: Mystic Force. Not a big deal to me, but my son has been waiting for this since November or December when they first started showing teasers for it. He is a big Power Rangers fan and this just made his day. I personally thought it wasn't one of the better Power Rangers, well as far as the quality of that show can go, but hey, he's happy so I'm happy. He actually seemed to get bored with it though so maybe I will be spared the torture of watching it on a regular basis.
I'm going to get off of here and go do stuff that actually needs to be done. I bet most of you wish I had done that at the beginning of the post and spared you the dullness that is my life.
I decided to change my video today as the other one makes me cry a lot. This one you might recognize if you ever watch Disney Channel. They show clips of it quite often. The song is Rush by Aly & AJ. The song was featured in the Disney Channel movie Twitches. My son absolutely loves this song and I really like it myself. When it comes on he will start singing it and I love that. I love when he sings because it forces him to use sentences more and he really seems to do better with his words when music is involved. I guess he is more like me in that way. I do better at remembering lyrics than I do just about anything.
Anyway, I guess this is my music contribution for the day. I hope you like it.
Anyway, I guess this is my music contribution for the day. I hope you like it.
We find little treasures in the oddest of places. Today when I was looking for my tax forms from last year, I looked through an expandable file that I keep some papers in. After I found the paper, I came back downstairs and finished my taxes. About 30 minutes ago I went back into my room and found the contents of the folder spread all over the bed. Oh the joys of having a child.
This folder had a bunch of papers in it that apparently one of us just stuffed in there. They were some my husband got while in Basic or AIT. As I put them back in the folder, I found a pad of paper that he used to write me letters. The pages were falling out of it and though it was mostly blank paper, one of them had what looked like a letter and upon closer inspection it was addressed to "My lover." Well since we've been married for almost seven years and this was just last summer, I felt this gave me the right to read it. Upon reading it, I knew it was definitely for me. I want to share it with you, but first I need to give you a little background so that you can understand just why I consider it a treasure.
My husband has a nickname for me. One that only he uses and that is very special. I honestly don't remember when he started calling me it. I don't know if we were just engaged or already married. Before you start thinking I'm horrible for not remembering, let me explain. It seems like he's always called me it, so it's hard to remember the first time. It's not something he calls me every day, just something when he is being very sweet or romantic. He actually gave that name for the flower delivery this Valentine's Day. I was very surprised when the Fedex guy called me by it. I almost started crying. No, I'm not going to tell it to you, but it involves the moon. That is all you need to know. It isn't unusual for him to shorten it and call me his moon. Of course my reply is usually "If I'm your moon, then you are the sun that helps me shine." Cheesy, maybe, but it's us.
Since you put up with that little bit of history, here is the letter.
My Lover,
My Bride,
I'm missing you very much right now. The skies are dark and the moon seems distant. Its light still shines. The beams cascade upon me. I feel its majesty. Still, it seems so far away. Out of reach.
But I will climb the mountain and once again be able to touch the moon. I will melt into it and it into me. We will be one. I will bathe myself in its light.
The letter is dated 1AUG05 and I don't really think he ever finished it. That's probably why he never mailed it. This was either just after we had spent a night together over the weekend or just before. I don't remember which. I'm really thinking after. I do know he was having a really hard time with being away from us at this point. I can remember him calling me one night and being very sad sounding. Here we are a little more than six months later and in a similar position. Finding this tonight was like finding a treasure. One that I will cherish for years to come. Now I just can't help but wonder if he feels the same now when he sees the moon as he did that night all those months ago.
My son discovered a dog that came in the package that we were sent for Christmas. A few of the toys that came in it ended up in the hall closet so he is just now finding them. This dog is a tiny stuffed puppy. It's really soft and super cute. When I say tiny, think small breed newborn puppy. Anyway, my son has named it "doggie doggie." It's really cute when he says it and I don't think he had named it until I asked him what the dogs name was.
He has been totally into the pet thing lately and I've honestly thought it would be nice to have a dog. I always had a pet growing up and I really miss it. Don't miss the work that comes with taking care of it, but when you get a good pet,it's worth it. I think when my husband comes home on R&R we might see about going to get a dog. I really think it might would be a good thing. I will give my son some of the responsibility of taking care of it and I think that would be a good thing for him.
I did my taxes today and was really glad it was easier than I thought it would be. I'm glad I was able to file electronically and not have to go in and have someone else do them for me. I love being able to do them myself. Makes me feel like those accounting classes I'm still paying for weren't totally wasted. We will be getting a nice return this year and, for the first time in a long time, we don't have it already spent. Oh sure I'm thinking of a few things I would like to get, but it's not like I have to use it to pay off bills. That's how it's been for the past 6 years. A few years it was paying off bills. Another it was buying a new car, then just the next year it was paying to have a new engine put in the car. Last year it was a life saver as my husband was at basic and our pay was totally messed up. That income tax money is what kept me from not having the money to feed my kid and pay my electric bill. It was a life saver. This year we have no bills to pay off as I paid off the last one last week. (Insert happy dance here) As soon as that money is in the account, I am buying myself the computer I really want. I could use money in savings to buy it, but if I were just using my savings money, I would go a lot cheaper and end up having to buy another computer in a few years. This way I can get a really great computer that has everything I want and need on it and not feel guilty about it. Even with that and a few clothes for myself and my son and some sent to my husband to spend as he wishes, we will still have plenty to add to our savings account. I'm beyond thrilled.
All in all, today was a pretty good day. I've had some funky stomach thing, but I've had worse. My son has been pretty good for once. A sad spot in my day was when I noticed a bunch of rose petals on the cabinet my roses are sitting on. At first I thought my son had torn them off as he has been known to do that, but I shook the rose and several more petals fell off. They are starting to die and that makes me sad. It was really nice having something so special from my husband to look at all the time. That and I'm a big fan of roses. It's really not that big of a deal though. I'm sure it won't be the last thing my husband sends me. Besides, compared to a lot of days I've had since he left, this was a really good one. Here's to many many more good days.
I did my taxes today and was really glad it was easier than I thought it would be. I'm glad I was able to file electronically and not have to go in and have someone else do them for me. I love being able to do them myself. Makes me feel like those accounting classes I'm still paying for weren't totally wasted. We will be getting a nice return this year and, for the first time in a long time, we don't have it already spent. Oh sure I'm thinking of a few things I would like to get, but it's not like I have to use it to pay off bills. That's how it's been for the past 6 years. A few years it was paying off bills. Another it was buying a new car, then just the next year it was paying to have a new engine put in the car. Last year it was a life saver as my husband was at basic and our pay was totally messed up. That income tax money is what kept me from not having the money to feed my kid and pay my electric bill. It was a life saver. This year we have no bills to pay off as I paid off the last one last week. (Insert happy dance here) As soon as that money is in the account, I am buying myself the computer I really want. I could use money in savings to buy it, but if I were just using my savings money, I would go a lot cheaper and end up having to buy another computer in a few years. This way I can get a really great computer that has everything I want and need on it and not feel guilty about it. Even with that and a few clothes for myself and my son and some sent to my husband to spend as he wishes, we will still have plenty to add to our savings account. I'm beyond thrilled.
All in all, today was a pretty good day. I've had some funky stomach thing, but I've had worse. My son has been pretty good for once. A sad spot in my day was when I noticed a bunch of rose petals on the cabinet my roses are sitting on. At first I thought my son had torn them off as he has been known to do that, but I shook the rose and several more petals fell off. They are starting to die and that makes me sad. It was really nice having something so special from my husband to look at all the time. That and I'm a big fan of roses. It's really not that big of a deal though. I'm sure it won't be the last thing my husband sends me. Besides, compared to a lot of days I've had since he left, this was a really good one. Here's to many many more good days.
Tonight I was watching my son as he drew something very intently and I realized that there was so much of my husband in him. Sometimes I wonder if there is any of me in there. He has my temper, but I don't know if that is the fact that he has inherited it from me or is just being a rebellious five year old.
He loves to draw. Tonight he drew Scooby dressed up as Spiderman and then another dog dressed as Doc Oc. That is another thing he got from my husband. His love for the comic book cartoons. I tend to not really like them all that much. They would sit together every evening that they were awake and watch The Tick. I so hate that show, but sometimes I sit and watch it with my son because I can see he misses doing that with my husband. He has my husband's outgoing personality.
I don't mind that he is so much more like my husband, it just makes it hard to look at him sometimes and not terribly miss my husband.
Today was a much better day than yesterday. I was able to talk to my husband for a little while online this morning and that was good. I was able to fix something on my computer that has been bugging me forever. I was so happy. I don't know exactly what I did differently, but I did something.
You probably noticed that I added a video to my blog. I found that website today and spent a good while watching videos. It was great! I will probably be changing it out pretty often. You will get to see the wide range of taste in music I have. I'm not saying I will change it every day. I don't even remember to blog every day anymore. I will change it often enough that hopefully you won't grow to hate a song because you heard it so often. For those of you who don't care to hear it at all, there is a stop button on the display. Use it and refrain from complaining please. This is my little part of the world after all.
You've probably heard someone say that a certain day was definitely a day to remember, but yesterday was not one of those. I think yesterday is the single worst day I have had in about two months and oddly enough that makes me very happy. Yes. I know that is an odd thing to say, but sitting here today,yesterday doesn't seem all that bad and if that is the worst I've had in a while, then I'm doing pretty good.
You know your day is going to be bad when you watch your wedding band slip down the drain as you rinse your hands in the bathtub. As this happened, you would expect me to frantically try to retrieve it and be in hysterics, but oddly enough, I just watched it go. I mean it was gone before I had time to react and I knew I wouldn't be getting it back. I just sat there staring at the drain for a few minutes, willing my ring to reappear. Also while using a sugar scrub in the shower, my fingers became red and tender and then began to swell and become numb. This is what I was rinsing off of my hands when the ring went down the drain. So for the rest of the morning I had that heavy hearted feeling, but still was sort of dazed about the whole thing and on top of that I had swollen numb fingertips. What a lovely way to start the day.
I came downstairs to start my day and found my son in a foul mood. He spent the day constantly disobeying me. He would stick his tongue out at me when I would tell him not to do something. He kept sticking toys in my face, which lately has been something that irritates me to no end and he knows this. Thankfully he wasn't like this all day. Just most of it.
I called my stupidity and we talked for a little while. During the course of the conversation I told him about losing my ring and that I wasn't sure how to tell my husband. I knew he wouldn't be mad at me, but I just didn't want to have to tell him I had lost my ring. We started talking about lost things and he told me to pray about it and gave an example of how when he lost things that were important to him, he would pray and several times had found them immediately. Well I became upset and told him that no matter how hard I tried, that never seemed to work for me. He told me to keep trying and then for some reason I lost it and started crying. Well, I knew why I was crying, but he had no clue. I explained to him that the reason I was so upset and cynical was because about 5 years ago I lost something very very important to me and I have prayed for the past five years that I would find it and I never have. Through two moves I have prayed this thing would miraculously show up and it never has. He told me that it probably wasn't meant to be found, which made me cry harder. I told him I had to find it because it was all that I had. Well this totally confused him and finally I calmed down enough to tell him what it was I had lost. Somehow, The folder I had containing every single thing the hospital had given me upon the birth and death of our first son just disappeared. I have torn two houses apart several times looking for it and I never found it. It had a copy of the death certificate, his footprints, the cards given to us, all of the things that meant so much to me. I know you are wondering how I could misplace something so special, but I have no idea. I put it somewhere safe, or at least I thought it was safe and now it is gone.
Anyway, after I calmed down some, we talked until my mom came home and he had some things to talk to her about so I said my goodbyes and went off to play with my son. The rest of the afternoon was uneventful although I was thoroughly depressed at this point. Between the new emotions of the day and the fact that I was already dealing with some other personal issues and had been for the past week, had me bordering on so raw I was becoming numb.
That evening I was watching tv when I heard the notification on AKO that my husband was on. I went to the computer and, as has been the normal pattern for at least the past week, when I tried to see his message or respond, my browser completely froze. I restarted my browser three times then gave up and restarted my computer. By the time I got things working, he was gone. Up to this point, I hadn't spoken much to my husband this week. I had talked to him for a few minutes on the phone on Valentine's day, but we were cut off. We had managed to miss each other a lot over the internet, partly because of his schedule, but mostly because of my computer freezing constantly. When I got AKO and read his messages and realized he was already gone, I sobbed. All of that numbness turned into crying. Of course I'm trying to do this in a way that my son will not realize I'm crying.
Not long after that, Rebecca was on yahoo and messaged me. I was telling her about my ring and for the first time all day, I admitted to myself how upset I was about losing it. I cried while talking to her. She was so understanding and in the end she made me laugh and feel better. I love having friends like that.
Let me explain something about the ring. It cost us just over 18 dollars and we bought it at walmart a few days before our quick and unexpected wedding. It was just a simple 10k gold thin band. Nothing spectacular. To me though, it was more special than the matching set I bought at our four year anniversary and every bit as beautiful as the much more expensive engagement ring he had given me six months before our wedding. It was so special because it was the ring he slid on my finger as he promised to love me forever.
I finally emailed my husband telling him about the things that were bothering me and that I had lost the ring. I didn't know when I could talk to him again and he is the one person who knows me well enough to know when I need him. He messaged me on yahoo at about 2:30 in the morning and we were able to talk for about 20 minutes. Just that little bit of time improved my feelings greatly.
I finished the book I was reading and finally went to bed about 5am and I was feeling much better than I had all day. I had come to the conclusion that I would not replace the ring. Just buying another one would mean nothing to me. You can't replace the sentimental value on something like that. I told him this and told him I was leaving it up to him what he wanted to do about it. He was not upset with me about losing the ring, but he was sad for me. He knew how much it meant to me.
About 6:30 he messaged me and I came down and was able to talk to him for a little while. It was wonderful to be talking to him again and he made me feel like I hadn't in weeks. He made me feel things I thought were gone for the next year. I went to bed again happy and ended up having wonderful dreams of him and also some about the book I read. I'm so glad yesterday is over and also glad that the new day brought a smile with it.
Happy Valentine's Day. I hope that everyone had a wonderful one. Mine was really good until my son turned into a demon child this evening, but oh well. My husband sent me roses and called me this morning. It was so great to talk to him. He received all but one of his Valentine gifts on time and loved them all. My son was given a card from us and from my inlaws. My husband sent things but they haven't gotten here yet. My son and I made heart shaped cakes today and heart shaped pizza for dinner. They were pretty good. I can't tolerate the sweets as much as I once could.
Overall it wasn't a disaster like I thought it would be. Hopefully my son will be a little better tomorrow. If not, he's going to spend it in his bedroom without his favorite things.
Overall it wasn't a disaster like I thought it would be. Hopefully my son will be a little better tomorrow. If not, he's going to spend it in his bedroom without his favorite things.
I'll keep it short. I promise. Really, just a question.
What is the point of paying twice as much to have high speed internet vs. dial-up when every five minutes my computer freezes?
It froze like five times during my last post and I had to sit and wait for it to clear up or I would lose everything. I do virus scan's daily. I do spyware scans daily. I do extra bug scans once a week. I just simply have an older system that is having trouble keeping up with all of the demands I put on it.
I spent almost an hour the other night trying to say hello to my husband on AKO only to have to restart the browser three times then ended up just having to reboot my computer. I finally got it to go through, but he was gone by that point.
Is it time for me to give up and just get a new computer?
sorry..this turned out a little longer than I wanted it to.
What is the point of paying twice as much to have high speed internet vs. dial-up when every five minutes my computer freezes?
It froze like five times during my last post and I had to sit and wait for it to clear up or I would lose everything. I do virus scan's daily. I do spyware scans daily. I do extra bug scans once a week. I just simply have an older system that is having trouble keeping up with all of the demands I put on it.
I spent almost an hour the other night trying to say hello to my husband on AKO only to have to restart the browser three times then ended up just having to reboot my computer. I finally got it to go through, but he was gone by that point.
Is it time for me to give up and just get a new computer?
sorry..this turned out a little longer than I wanted it to.
I didn't watch the Super Bowl at all, but I have been seeing a commercial that was debuted during the Super Bowl and it definitely caught my attention. This commercial feautures pictures of young girls while also displaying their thoughts about their beauty. One says "wishes she were blonde." Another, "Thinks she is fat." These are girls who don't look old enough to have this sort of worry, but sadly we live in a day where they very much do have these worries starting younger and younger.
Dove has started a new section in their Campaign for Real Beauty that they originally started in 2004. The original campaign was aimed at showing positive images of women of all shapes and sizes. This time their focus is on the women of tomorrow. The new campaign is being called "the dove self esteem fund" and focuses on raising the self esteem of girls around the world. They have a workbook for mothers and daughters to do together that can be downloaded on their website. They will be working with the Girl Scouts uniquely ME program as well.
I have personally known the effects of a low self esteem starting from a very young age. Trust me, it's not something that tends to just get better as you get older. It's not something that girls just grow out of. It takes a positive influence in their lives to help them see the truth about themselves. For some women, it is something they never overcome.
I grew up overweight and poor. Not a great combination. For those of you who are going to write this off as me complaining about my childhood, hear me out. My childhood has a lot to do with who I am today. Good, bad, and the ugly. My parents never told me I was ugly, but they didn't make me feel good about myself either. In fact very few people around me did. It wasn't until I met my husband that I began to see the real beauty in me. It has taken almost 7 years for me to get comfortable with me and I'm not even all the way there. I have no regrets because life may have sucked, but it made me who I am today and it made me the woman that my husband saw as beautiful. It made me the woman he fell in love with. I'm one of the lucky ones.
If we can give these young girls this positive influx of "real beauty" at a young age and help them see the beauty in themselves, then maybe we can prevent them from a future of bad choices in their search to find their beauty and worth. I'm not saying this is going to make all of the bad things go away in their lives, but it's a starting point isn't it?
This is not all a pitch to get you to donate to what dove is doing or go out and buy their products. There is so much more that you can do. If you are a parent, make sure your daughter knows her beauty and worth. Make sure that she knows that even if she did have that blonde hair she wanted, she wouldn't be any more special that she already is. Let us work on building a generation of women who know that real beauty is not about being a supermodel, but being happy with ourselves. About being healthy and knowing that we are more than what we look like.
I know I have focused strictly on the female aspect of it all and I know that young men have issues of their own, but I don't know anything about them. I had two sisters and very little contact with the male cousins I have. I have a son now, so give me a few years and I'll be glad to talk about what we can do for them. Right now I'll leave that to someone who knows what they are talking about.
Tonight I had a rare treat. I actually was able to watch something on television that was not Disney, Nickelodeon, or Cartoon Network related. Usually this happens when it is late at night and nothing worth watching is on. Tonight I found two new shows that were really good.
They weren't really new shows, but I had never seen them before.
The first show was Trick My Truck on CMT. It was a really great show. I'm honestly surprised at how much I enjoyed it as that is not my type of show generally, but I really liked it. The Chrome Shop Mafia all had great personalities and incredible talent. My dad was a truck driver for a while and I remember taking a trip with him once from Cameron to Morgan City. It was a lot of fun. It would have been even more fun if he had one of these awesome trucks. I watched three episodes and each of them were interesting.
The second show I watched was one I really was not expecting to like. It is called 30 Daysand is done by Morgan Spurlock of Supersize Me fame. His wanted to see what would happen if he convinced people to spend 30 days in someone else's shoes. Now I have had no desire to see Supersize Me so that is not what drew me to the show. The show was on minimum wage and he was going to put himself and his girlfriend through a month of trying to live on minimum wage and I wanted to see how badly he was going to misrepresent it. It turned out that they actually lived on low income. It wasn't minimum wage, but it was still what people made doing the work they did. They didn't use any clout to get better jobs and at one point he worked two jobs. He worked through a temp agency and at a pizza place. Alex worked at a coffee shop doing dishes and waiting tables. They lived like so many people have to live every day and even had to deal with the injuries/illnesses with no insurance. At the end of the 30 days they sat down with all of the money they had left and ended up owing for the doctors bills. Instead of having the attitude of "it's over and we can just pay these off and be done with it" They were genuinely disheartened by it. I was so glad that they showed it the way life really can be and not some glamorized version. I am looking forward to seeing the other episodes of this show.
Tomorrow night it is fiction. Tomorrow night it is part two of Grey's Anatomy's big Code Black show. I'm looking forward to it. Now I just have to remember it's coming on. Well I'm off to watch the rest of Chasing Liberty and go to bed.
The first show was Trick My Truck on CMT. It was a really great show. I'm honestly surprised at how much I enjoyed it as that is not my type of show generally, but I really liked it. The Chrome Shop Mafia all had great personalities and incredible talent. My dad was a truck driver for a while and I remember taking a trip with him once from Cameron to Morgan City. It was a lot of fun. It would have been even more fun if he had one of these awesome trucks. I watched three episodes and each of them were interesting.
The second show I watched was one I really was not expecting to like. It is called 30 Daysand is done by Morgan Spurlock of Supersize Me fame. His wanted to see what would happen if he convinced people to spend 30 days in someone else's shoes. Now I have had no desire to see Supersize Me so that is not what drew me to the show. The show was on minimum wage and he was going to put himself and his girlfriend through a month of trying to live on minimum wage and I wanted to see how badly he was going to misrepresent it. It turned out that they actually lived on low income. It wasn't minimum wage, but it was still what people made doing the work they did. They didn't use any clout to get better jobs and at one point he worked two jobs. He worked through a temp agency and at a pizza place. Alex worked at a coffee shop doing dishes and waiting tables. They lived like so many people have to live every day and even had to deal with the injuries/illnesses with no insurance. At the end of the 30 days they sat down with all of the money they had left and ended up owing for the doctors bills. Instead of having the attitude of "it's over and we can just pay these off and be done with it" They were genuinely disheartened by it. I was so glad that they showed it the way life really can be and not some glamorized version. I am looking forward to seeing the other episodes of this show.
Tomorrow night it is fiction. Tomorrow night it is part two of Grey's Anatomy's big Code Black show. I'm looking forward to it. Now I just have to remember it's coming on. Well I'm off to watch the rest of Chasing Liberty and go to bed.
Letters are a sanity saver for me. I love getting mail from anyone, but especially my husband. Well today my son received his first real letter from Daddy. He couldn't have cared less about the actual letter and refused to let me read it to him. He did however love the drawings that he had included in it.
I'm posting them on here. Before anyone goes all OSPEC on me, they are not of specific places or actual things that have happened. They are just drawings of soldiers he did for my son. I went in and erased name and rank from them.
I don't know if you can read it but it says 'The Army--"Target Practice."' The inside reads
The card is made by Patriot Greetings. A portion of their proceeds goes into a college scholarship fund for the sons and daughters of military personnel who have fallen or were seriously injured in the line of duty. I think that is a great thing! You can check them out here. I haven't really looked it over very well yet, but they seem to have some cute cards.
I received a letter for myself from him yesterday. I also received some drawings I won't be sharing on here. They were definitely for me only. The letter was like 15 pages long and spanned over a week. It was awesome. I love that we are communicating so much. Today I received a card I think was meant for Valentine's Day. I didn't know that until I opened it. I have to share the card front because it was cute.
I don't know if you can read it but it says 'The Army--"Target Practice."' The inside reads
If practicing makes perfect, and absence the heart grow fonder, we'll practice technique 'til your knees grow weak, and you know how I've missed you over yonder!I thought it was cute. He wrote a really mushy poem in it but I'm going to be selfish and keep that to myself.
The card is made by Patriot Greetings. A portion of their proceeds goes into a college scholarship fund for the sons and daughters of military personnel who have fallen or were seriously injured in the line of duty. I think that is a great thing! You can check them out here. I haven't really looked it over very well yet, but they seem to have some cute cards.
Being told you are the sexiest woman in the world by the man that means everything to you is a wonderful feeling. It's enough to make your day..heck your week. I know there are those of you out there that will not agree with his opinion, but hey, I don't care. Don't bother sending comments saying how ridiculous he is to tell me that. Everyone has their own opinion of what is sexy and his is the only one I really care about.
This is a big deal to me so please bear with me a moment. It's a big deal because I spent most of my life being told how unattractive I was and how beautiful my sister was. She was and is beautiful. Both of them are, but so am I and it's nice to have someone see it in me. Actually he is the one that made me see it.
Sexy is a whole different ball game and I never thought about it much because I honestly never imagined someone would find me sexy. Now I have someone so special who thinks just that.
I hope that everyone out there, who feels like less than what they really are, finds someone that, for even just a moment, makes them feel as wonderful as I do right now. Everyone deserves that.
weather.com says it's 70 degrees out right now with winds from the N at 20 mph gusting at 30 mph. 70 degrees and I feel like I'm about to turn into a popsicle sitting here in my house with one window open. I AM COLD!
No, I don't have a fever. There is just something about this wind that is chilling me. Out in the sun it feels great. It really does. I'm hoping my lack of tolerance for cooler temperatures means I am going to be fine this summer when it's in the high 90's during the day.
The wind has my fence leaning perilously close to falling. The only thing holding it up is part of the fence that is still secure. I've called maintenance and now I'm just waiting on them to either show up or call me back. I'm assuming the wind was the cause. Who knows. Maybe it was going to fall anyway and the wind just gave it a shove.
Anyway, I'm off to find a sweater.
No, I don't have a fever. There is just something about this wind that is chilling me. Out in the sun it feels great. It really does. I'm hoping my lack of tolerance for cooler temperatures means I am going to be fine this summer when it's in the high 90's during the day.
The wind has my fence leaning perilously close to falling. The only thing holding it up is part of the fence that is still secure. I've called maintenance and now I'm just waiting on them to either show up or call me back. I'm assuming the wind was the cause. Who knows. Maybe it was going to fall anyway and the wind just gave it a shove.
Anyway, I'm off to find a sweater.
I'm sitting here thinking to myself,"is distance a state of mind?" No, I'm not talking physical distance. It's quite obvious to me that my husband is thousands of miles away from me so on that level, distance is literal. I'm talking when it comes to missing someone. To the distance we tend to feel in our hearts when someone is missing from our lives.
When my husband was in AIT I had a friend, who's husband was in Iraq, tell me with attitude "well at least your husband is in the same state." My reply? "He might as well be in the same state as you are for all I see him or talk to him." I couldn't really compare it to her husband being in Iraq because at least I knew my husband was safe. Here is the way I feel about it now that my husband is actually in a more dangerous area. Distance has to have something to do with our state of mind because he felt farther away those days he was in school than he does now. There are days like today where it felt like it did when he had just gone to work for the day. Like he never left the island. Don't worry. I'm not about to go into denial. I KNOW where he is, I just don't feel like he's that far away from me. I don't know how to explain it. I really don't. I just feel like something in the way we think about things has to have something to do with our perception of how really far thousands of miles is going to feel.
It's the same for time. Today he and I were talking about how many days were left until he is supposed to have R&R. When I told him the number he said "wow, it's not that long is it." I mean it's a big number, but it certainly doesn't feel like it's all that long. Two months ago that number would have made me burst into tears and hundreds of miles would have felt far too many. Now I'm sitting here thinking he feels almost close enough to touch, but still elusive. Maybe I'm just dreaming, but this is the way I want it to be until he is home again. We've been married almost seven years and there were times when he felt farther away when he was sitting beside me.
I guess love and communication are really the answer to making the distance seem so much less. Maybe I'm just talking the talk of a woman wanting to do anything to make time go by faster and the days seem a little less lonely. If that's the case, don't disillusion me. I'm the one that has to deal, so just let me.
Do you ever get the urge to just scream at the top of your lungs? Do you ever feel like every nerve in your body is on edge? Do you ever feel like just going off and all for no real reason that you can think of other than you just feel like it? I would give anything for a room where I could do all of that without having to worry about my neighbors freaking and calling the cops or my son being scared to death.
This is usually about when I start saying I hate being a woman.
Oh well...we got the boobs so it isn't all bad.
This is usually about when I start saying I hate being a woman.
Oh well...we got the boobs so it isn't all bad.
I spent some time tonight writing in my various journals and writing my husband a letter. We have been writing stories and things back and forth, so tonight I thought I would try and do so again. I started out to write one thing, but ended up with something completely different. I liked it so much that I ended up emailing it instead of including it in my letter. I've decided to share it here on my blog. I never claimed to be a writer, so don't have high expectations. I just put on paper what is in my heart or mind at the moment. I hope you enjoy it.
- FROM A DISTANCE
From a distance, I sit here wanting you. Needing you. Do you feel my need?
From a distance, I dream about your touch, your smell, your taste. Do you want me?
From a distance, it seems like forever since I was last in your arms. Do you miss me?
Reach out to me, from a distance.
Reach into me, from a distance.
Kiss me.
Touch me.
Fill me.
Make me.
From a distance, dreams come true. Are you dreaming?
From a distance, I can once again be with you. Can you feel me?
From a distance, we remember we are never apart. Will you love me?
When all we have is from a distance, we have to make it enough.
When all of our wants are from a distance, we have to give that much more.
When our hearts are held from a distance, the distance seems not so far.
From a distance, I sit here wanting you. How I need you.
From a distance, I dream of you. You surround me.
From a distance, I remember the last time I was in your arms. How I miss you.
I’m reaching out to you, despite the distance.
I’m reaching into you, despite the distance.
Kissing you.
Touching you.
Surrounding you.
Completing you.
From a distance, you are my dream come true. I’ll keep dreaming.
From a distance, I am part of you. I can feel you.
From a distance, I will always be with you. Oh how I love you.
When all we have is from a distance, we have to make it enough.
When all of our wants are from a distance, we have to give that much more.
When our hearts are held from a distance, the distance seems not so far.
Close your eyes, my love, and reach out to me. For in our love you will no longer have a need to say,
“From a distance"
Sometimes you just have to spill your heart out there and take the chance. Thank you for reminding me of that Katie. Echo, thank you for your well wishes. I want everyone to realize that I maybe jealous but I am also extremely happy for my friends. Every one of them are wonderful mothers or will make wonderful mothers. I can't wait to see their beautiful babies.
This morning I spent almost three hours talking to my husband online. That is a miracle considering he was in an internet cafe and usually we only get 30 minutes. We are hoping he will have his own internet soon so we will be able to talk longer more often. I loved being about to talk to him so much this morning. It was almost like he was here again in some way. We talked about almost everything you can imagine. I even worked up the nerve to talk to him about the baby issue and I am so glad I did.
I sort of started it off by telling him I had to ask him a question and if he didn't have an answer, I just needed a promise he would give it some thought. I don't know what he was expecting, but it sure wasn't "Do you want us to have another baby?" He was totally shocked, but handled it very well. His response was;
you did have some health problems with G and with M.. so, I'd like to make sure that you were good to go.. well.. as much as we can.. before we do. However, if God blesses us with a child then.. i"m not going to argue. And if we don't.. I'll be ok with that too. Being a father to G is one of the most fulfilling things in the world.. I know it would be a blessing to have another
He asked me where this was coming from and I couldn't think of a good way to put it so I just gave him the link to my blog entry. He responded by saying he didn't realize how strongly or deeply I felt then jokingly mentioned that we were going to be busy when he came home for R&R. I had to be sure that he wasn't just saying that to make me feel better or because he wanted me to have what I wanted. He assured me he wasn't.
I think if we can't have another child then I will have to grieve that loss, but I will be alright. My son is amazing and I couldn't imagine my life without him. I'd like to be able to pee without him bursting in on me, but overall I can't imagine him not being here. I guess we will see what happens. Just knowing he is willing to try and really try means a lot to me. He mentioned starting on R&R but I think if it happens then it will not be because I'm planning around cycles or however that works.(don't worry, I plan on educating myself.) This may sound crude, but after that many months of nothing, all I'm going to be concerned with is getting me some. I'm going a little nutty without him. I honestly think he's going to be the same way...ok so after our conversations, I know he will be feeling the same.
Thank you so much everyone for letting me pour my heart out and for being wonderful to me. I am so grateful for the friends I have.
Every time I turn around, there stands a woman sporting a beautiful baby belly. On Milspouse it seems like if someone isn't about to have a baby, they're announcing they are pregnant. I finally admit it..I'm so jealous.
In November of 2001 our son turned 1 year old. We were getting a little forgetful in our use of protection and finally admitted to each other that the reason was because we wanted another baby. We didn't take the stance of actively trying, more the one of letting go and letting God. We stopped using any type of protection and went on about our business. I would look at fertility calenders and things like that, but I could never bring myself to admit to my husband how badly I wanted to try. I knew he wanted another one but was totally convinced that when it was supposed to happen it would happen. A year went by and I was convinced that the timing just wasn't right, we kept trusting God. Another year went by and I started having problems with my cycle. Mainly just a lot of pain about the time I should be ovulating. Another year passed and the pain got worse and my desperate want of a child started to go away with it. I became convinced it was just never going to happen.
In all of this time I had not seen a doctor about any of this. In fact I hadn't seen an ob/gyn since I had my follow up for my son. I just have this thing about doctors..takes something serious to make me go. I know that is awful sounding, but it's just the way I am for some reason.
We had began to talk about more actively trying but then my husband decided to join the military and we knew he would be going away for four months and then we would be moving so we never made the doctors appointments and stopped talking. When we found out that my husband was deploying, I was so glad that I wasn't pregnant and even suggested that we go back to using some sort of protection. My husband told me that we needed to just have faith that if I got pregnant then the timing was God's. I agreed. I totally agreed. Now here I am four months later suffering from PMS and wishing so badly that I was pregnant.
I have wanted a baby off and on for four years and when I was late I would pray that the test would be positive. It never was and I honestly thought I had finally given up until we went through the breast cancer scare and I was informed if I did have cancer, pregnancy would put me at risk for a relapse.
Now I am so scared that my husband is going to come home at the end of the year and decide he just doesn't want another baby anymore. I'm afraid that the appointments I've finally decided to schedule after I get my license are going to lead to the doctor telling me I waited too long and now I can never have another child.
I feel guilty listening to women talk about their pregnancies and all I want is to go through it myself so I can experience their joy just once. I've been pregnant twice. The first one was filled with sickness and was over too quickly. the second one was filled with fear and anger. Now don't get me wrong. By the time my baby was in my arms, I wouldn't have traded him for the world, but I missed out on all the wonderful things that mothers experience because I was scared to get attached. I was scared I would have to say goodbye again and it would hurt less if I didn't let myself love him as much. What if I never get the chance to make up for that?
I know I need to talk to my husband, but I don't know what to say to him. I know we need to have this talk before he comes home for R&R because I need to know if he's changed how he feels because if so, I need to prepare for that. I know this has turned into another ramble that doesn't make sense to anyone and for that I'm sorry. These thoughts just fell out without any sense of organization, but this has been hidden in my heart for the past few weeks..since I got my last negative.
Sometimes we just have to let our hearts spill and clean up the mess later. That is one of my favorite things about the blog. I can clean it up later or just leave it there and laugh at myself later. I apologize if the mess annoys you.I guess this is just another part of being Jen.
Welcome to the confusion that is me. Enjoy your stay.
First off I want to say thank you to Mike who left a comment for me earlier today. That really helped knowing he's not over there thinking his wife is totally insane..ok so he might be thinking that, but not because of the way I acted this morning. It really helped.
Today ended up being a really good day. I had decided when my son woke up that we were going to go for a walk and maybe have a picnic at one of the playgrounds around here. Well we ended up leaving much later than I had wanted to because my phone kept ringing.
My phone never rings, but the one day I want to get out and do something, it rings like crazy. I talked to my sister for a while then the SGT left in charge of making sure I'm taken care of calls to check on me. She hadn't called since the week after my husband left. It was funny. She said she was waiting for me to call but realized I probably wasn't going to. The way she had it figured was that I was either doing really well or just too stubborn to call her. I admitted I was fine, but probably wouldn't have called her if I wasn't. She's a really nice woman and it was good talking to her. Her husband is also deployed right now.
When I got off the phone, it looked like it was about to start pouring so we walked to the mailbox so I could check the mail and see if it was going to rain. The weather changes really fast here. My CD that I bought off Ebay came today and I was so excited. It was Supernatural by DC Talk. I have been wanting to replace ours for so long and it was nice to have a copy again. It is one of my all time favorite cd's. My husband had sent my son a build-a-bear in the mail and it came today. My son was thrilled. Absolutely thrilled. It's Spidey Bear.
We finally made it out the door and walked to the shopette. We picked up some drinks and chips and he wanted one of those lunchable things. I ended up bringing a sandwich with me. We left there and went to playground area and had a lot of fun there. We were there about an hour when I started to feel a few raindrops so we went home. This was a big deal for us. We hardly ever leave our culdesac so it was an adventure for us. I think we will explore more of the area soon. There is a five mile trail that goes through the housing area. I am so not doing five miles with my son. The way he walks it would take us all day to go one mile. He is SLOW. I mean come on..I'm slow..but even I get annoyed at how slow he walks. Today the entire time we were walking, he was playing with his bear and stopping to look at every thing that was on the ground or moved. At least it didn't matter today because we had time. I ended up getting some really great pictures of him and came home and ordered some for my husband.
My husband emailed me some pictures today. One of him all "hooah-hooah" (His words,not mine.) Basically, it was him in full gear. It was nice to see a recent picture. I told him next I wanted one where i could actually see his face. he sent me one of some of the other soldiers he works with and then one of some of the kids I had mentioned in my last post. These kids were hams and it made me laugh.
So, I am very glad to report that it was a good day after all. Now if only i could figure out why my ultra whiny son is still awake at 1 in the morning the night would be good as well. oh well. Good thing I'm not tired yet. I hope someone out there is getting a good nights sleep for me.
When I got off the phone, it looked like it was about to start pouring so we walked to the mailbox so I could check the mail and see if it was going to rain. The weather changes really fast here. My CD that I bought off Ebay came today and I was so excited. It was Supernatural by DC Talk. I have been wanting to replace ours for so long and it was nice to have a copy again. It is one of my all time favorite cd's. My husband had sent my son a build-a-bear in the mail and it came today. My son was thrilled. Absolutely thrilled. It's Spidey Bear.
We finally made it out the door and walked to the shopette. We picked up some drinks and chips and he wanted one of those lunchable things. I ended up bringing a sandwich with me. We left there and went to playground area and had a lot of fun there. We were there about an hour when I started to feel a few raindrops so we went home. This was a big deal for us. We hardly ever leave our culdesac so it was an adventure for us. I think we will explore more of the area soon. There is a five mile trail that goes through the housing area. I am so not doing five miles with my son. The way he walks it would take us all day to go one mile. He is SLOW. I mean come on..I'm slow..but even I get annoyed at how slow he walks. Today the entire time we were walking, he was playing with his bear and stopping to look at every thing that was on the ground or moved. At least it didn't matter today because we had time. I ended up getting some really great pictures of him and came home and ordered some for my husband.
My husband emailed me some pictures today. One of him all "hooah-hooah" (His words,not mine.) Basically, it was him in full gear. It was nice to see a recent picture. I told him next I wanted one where i could actually see his face. he sent me one of some of the other soldiers he works with and then one of some of the kids I had mentioned in my last post. These kids were hams and it made me laugh.
So, I am very glad to report that it was a good day after all. Now if only i could figure out why my ultra whiny son is still awake at 1 in the morning the night would be good as well. oh well. Good thing I'm not tired yet. I hope someone out there is getting a good nights sleep for me.