Just Simply Jen

You know your day is going to be bad when you watch your wedding band slip down the drain as you rinse your hands in the bathtub. As this happened, you would expect me to frantically try to retrieve it and be in hysterics, but oddly enough, I just watched it go. I mean it was gone before I had time to react and I knew I wouldn't be getting it back. I just sat there staring at the drain for a few minutes, willing my ring to reappear. Also while using a sugar scrub in the shower, my fingers became red and tender and then began to swell and become numb. This is what I was rinsing off of my hands when the ring went down the drain. So for the rest of the morning I had that heavy hearted feeling, but still was sort of dazed about the whole thing and on top of that I had swollen numb fingertips. What a lovely way to start the day.
I came downstairs to start my day and found my son in a foul mood. He spent the day constantly disobeying me. He would stick his tongue out at me when I would tell him not to do something. He kept sticking toys in my face, which lately has been something that irritates me to no end and he knows this. Thankfully he wasn't like this all day. Just most of it.
I called my stupidity and we talked for a little while. During the course of the conversation I told him about losing my ring and that I wasn't sure how to tell my husband. I knew he wouldn't be mad at me, but I just didn't want to have to tell him I had lost my ring. We started talking about lost things and he told me to pray about it and gave an example of how when he lost things that were important to him, he would pray and several times had found them immediately. Well I became upset and told him that no matter how hard I tried, that never seemed to work for me. He told me to keep trying and then for some reason I lost it and started crying. Well, I knew why I was crying, but he had no clue. I explained to him that the reason I was so upset and cynical was because about 5 years ago I lost something very very important to me and I have prayed for the past five years that I would find it and I never have. Through two moves I have prayed this thing would miraculously show up and it never has. He told me that it probably wasn't meant to be found, which made me cry harder. I told him I had to find it because it was all that I had. Well this totally confused him and finally I calmed down enough to tell him what it was I had lost. Somehow, The folder I had containing every single thing the hospital had given me upon the birth and death of our first son just disappeared. I have torn two houses apart several times looking for it and I never found it. It had a copy of the death certificate, his footprints, the cards given to us, all of the things that meant so much to me. I know you are wondering how I could misplace something so special, but I have no idea. I put it somewhere safe, or at least I thought it was safe and now it is gone.
Anyway, after I calmed down some, we talked until my mom came home and he had some things to talk to her about so I said my goodbyes and went off to play with my son. The rest of the afternoon was uneventful although I was thoroughly depressed at this point. Between the new emotions of the day and the fact that I was already dealing with some other personal issues and had been for the past week, had me bordering on so raw I was becoming numb.
That evening I was watching tv when I heard the notification on AKO that my husband was on. I went to the computer and, as has been the normal pattern for at least the past week, when I tried to see his message or respond, my browser completely froze. I restarted my browser three times then gave up and restarted my computer. By the time I got things working, he was gone. Up to this point, I hadn't spoken much to my husband this week. I had talked to him for a few minutes on the phone on Valentine's day, but we were cut off. We had managed to miss each other a lot over the internet, partly because of his schedule, but mostly because of my computer freezing constantly. When I got AKO and read his messages and realized he was already gone, I sobbed. All of that numbness turned into crying. Of course I'm trying to do this in a way that my son will not realize I'm crying.
Not long after that, Rebecca was on yahoo and messaged me. I was telling her about my ring and for the first time all day, I admitted to myself how upset I was about losing it. I cried while talking to her. She was so understanding and in the end she made me laugh and feel better. I love having friends like that.
Let me explain something about the ring. It cost us just over 18 dollars and we bought it at walmart a few days before our quick and unexpected wedding. It was just a simple 10k gold thin band. Nothing spectacular. To me though, it was more special than the matching set I bought at our four year anniversary and every bit as beautiful as the much more expensive engagement ring he had given me six months before our wedding. It was so special because it was the ring he slid on my finger as he promised to love me forever.
I finally emailed my husband telling him about the things that were bothering me and that I had lost the ring. I didn't know when I could talk to him again and he is the one person who knows me well enough to know when I need him. He messaged me on yahoo at about 2:30 in the morning and we were able to talk for about 20 minutes. Just that little bit of time improved my feelings greatly.
I finished the book I was reading and finally went to bed about 5am and I was feeling much better than I had all day. I had come to the conclusion that I would not replace the ring. Just buying another one would mean nothing to me. You can't replace the sentimental value on something like that. I told him this and told him I was leaving it up to him what he wanted to do about it. He was not upset with me about losing the ring, but he was sad for me. He knew how much it meant to me.
About 6:30 he messaged me and I came down and was able to talk to him for a little while. It was wonderful to be talking to him again and he made me feel like I hadn't in weeks. He made me feel things I thought were gone for the next year. I went to bed again happy and ended up having wonderful dreams of him and also some about the book I read. I'm so glad yesterday is over and also glad that the new day brought a smile with it.