Every time I turn around, there stands a woman sporting a beautiful baby belly. On Milspouse it seems like if someone isn't about to have a baby, they're announcing they are pregnant. I finally admit it..I'm so jealous.
In November of 2001 our son turned 1 year old. We were getting a little forgetful in our use of protection and finally admitted to each other that the reason was because we wanted another baby. We didn't take the stance of actively trying, more the one of letting go and letting God. We stopped using any type of protection and went on about our business. I would look at fertility calenders and things like that, but I could never bring myself to admit to my husband how badly I wanted to try. I knew he wanted another one but was totally convinced that when it was supposed to happen it would happen. A year went by and I was convinced that the timing just wasn't right, we kept trusting God. Another year went by and I started having problems with my cycle. Mainly just a lot of pain about the time I should be ovulating. Another year passed and the pain got worse and my desperate want of a child started to go away with it. I became convinced it was just never going to happen.
In all of this time I had not seen a doctor about any of this. In fact I hadn't seen an ob/gyn since I had my follow up for my son. I just have this thing about doctors..takes something serious to make me go. I know that is awful sounding, but it's just the way I am for some reason.
We had began to talk about more actively trying but then my husband decided to join the military and we knew he would be going away for four months and then we would be moving so we never made the doctors appointments and stopped talking. When we found out that my husband was deploying, I was so glad that I wasn't pregnant and even suggested that we go back to using some sort of protection. My husband told me that we needed to just have faith that if I got pregnant then the timing was God's. I agreed. I totally agreed. Now here I am four months later suffering from PMS and wishing so badly that I was pregnant.
I have wanted a baby off and on for four years and when I was late I would pray that the test would be positive. It never was and I honestly thought I had finally given up until we went through the breast cancer scare and I was informed if I did have cancer, pregnancy would put me at risk for a relapse.
Now I am so scared that my husband is going to come home at the end of the year and decide he just doesn't want another baby anymore. I'm afraid that the appointments I've finally decided to schedule after I get my license are going to lead to the doctor telling me I waited too long and now I can never have another child.
I feel guilty listening to women talk about their pregnancies and all I want is to go through it myself so I can experience their joy just once. I've been pregnant twice. The first one was filled with sickness and was over too quickly. the second one was filled with fear and anger. Now don't get me wrong. By the time my baby was in my arms, I wouldn't have traded him for the world, but I missed out on all the wonderful things that mothers experience because I was scared to get attached. I was scared I would have to say goodbye again and it would hurt less if I didn't let myself love him as much. What if I never get the chance to make up for that?
I know I need to talk to my husband, but I don't know what to say to him. I know we need to have this talk before he comes home for R&R because I need to know if he's changed how he feels because if so, I need to prepare for that. I know this has turned into another ramble that doesn't make sense to anyone and for that I'm sorry. These thoughts just fell out without any sense of organization, but this has been hidden in my heart for the past few weeks..since I got my last negative.
Sometimes we just have to let our hearts spill and clean up the mess later. That is one of my favorite things about the blog. I can clean it up later or just leave it there and laugh at myself later. I apologize if the mess annoys you.I guess this is just another part of being Jen.
Welcome to the confusion that is me. Enjoy your stay.
1 comments:
*hugs*. Your honesty is wonderful Jen- use that with your husband. Show him the desires of your heart and it will make it so much more of a loving, wonderful, and exciting experience for you to share it together. Not sure what else I can say except keep your head up and I think the best thing to do wis tell him your heart just like you told us here.