I'm about to post on something I very rarely do. It has do to with my religious beliefs. Before I start, I just want to make it very clear that I am not preaching to anyone. That's not my style. I'm just putting my personal feelings and experience of the past year in print. Sometimes I need to do that just for me. Seeing it makes me feel better. I will understand if you choose not to read what I write, and for those who disagree with what I say, that's fine. All I ask is that people don't blast me for my beliefs. I wouldn't do that to you. I have several friends that I hope would be able to attest to that. That being said, here goes nothing.
Tonight I was listening to a CD I was given today when my sister's boyfriend was cleaning out his cd collection. It had the song When You Believe from the movie Prince of Egypt on it. I started sobbing when that song started playing. I wasn't expecting that reaction, but it happened. It was in the words of that song that I realized something. Over this past year, I lost my faith. No, it's not completely gone. It was there for the little things, but in the things I really needed to exercise that faith, it was gone. I spent a lot of time worrying and upset over so many different things and things just got worse. Past experiences have taught me that holding on to my faith makes the bad things easier to bear and I come out a little less scarred. I'm coming out of this past year wearing many new scars and I am asking myself if some of them couldn't have been avoided. Unfortunately my answer is yes. If I'd remembered to trust in God's promise that He was going to get me through the tough times, maybe certain things would have been a little easier. There is nothing I can do about it now. I can't go back and change anything that has already happened, but I can start fresh. I am finding comfort in knowing that even some of the greatest biblical figures faltered in their faith and they came out of it ok. This all sounded so much better in my head, but I do feel good getting it down in writing. Today I start a journey on reclaiming my faith. It's not an unfamiliar journey, but it is one I've never had to take without my support system. It promises to be filled with ups and downs but hopefully there will be more ups. Hopefully I will get back to the woman that I once was. If we are going to continue in this military life, I'm definitely going to need it. I hope people will look at this and see that I am by no means perfect. I have my doubts and fears and I even have questioned myself on why I believe what I do. I won't lie, I haven't found all of the answers and for a while I stopped looking. I guess I was afraid I would find something I didn't like. I'm not going to give the usual "I'm not perfect, I'm forgiven" line. I don't think I'm better than anyone and sometimes what is intended as a witty comeback comes off as sounding very holier than though. That's not me. I'm just simply a woman on a journey. I have many friends who believe very differently from me and I still love all of them the same. No matter what I believe, that will never change. After all, if Jesus went around only loving those who believed every word he said without question, a lot of people would have been left out. I think a lot of Christians forget that and it makes me sad, but if there are any truths I don't doubt, it's that one. Love comes without limits. No, I'm not joking or a phony. I have loved some people that have turned out to be pretty hard to love. I may not be big fans of them and I will admit that there are a few I strongly dislike. Thankfully I can love someone and still dislike their actions. Thankfully that is one thing I have learned in my life and know to be true. Hopefully I'll figure the rest out soon enough.
Thanks for letting me ramble. If you made it through this, thanks for putting up with me. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and let it all out and not worry so much about upsetting everyone. I can't make everyone happy all the time, but I will try to not make you feel bad. These are just my thoughts on my life and they don't necessarily apply to anyone else. This is just another part of Jen. Accept it or don't. I leave that choice up to you. I warn you though, your acceptance will not change me. I'm definitely getting past that point in my life. I am pretty sure that most of my friends who are really friends, will accept this as part of who I am and move on. I really hope I'm right. I'll stop rambling now. I think I should go to bed before my fingers start typing things that make no sense instead of just a little sense.
As I mentioned in the last post, my sister asked me why I never like going to the beach anymore. My answer? It's lonely. It was tolerable loneliness when it was just her, my son, and myself, but now her boyfriend comes along. For the most part I like him. He can be arrogant and immaturely crude, but overall he's a good guy. The part that makes it harder is the two of them being all lovey dovey and all over each other. My son wants to run off and play with them and they start looking like the family that I used to be part of more than I feel like I am. It is pathetic, but it makes me miss my husband so very much more. Why should I feel the need to subject myself to the loneliness when I can easily avoid it? Is it so wrong of me to want to avoid it? I don't know. I just don't know. Thankfully this won't be a problem soon enough.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone for the wonderful response to my project I have going. I really appreciate the support I'm getting. It makes it all much more exciting. For those of you that don't know what I'm talking about, I'm sorry. I can't post it here. Message me or email me if you want to know more. I also want to say thank you to the person who I took the idea from. You know who you are. I would love to name you but then someone might figure out what I'm doing and that would be bad.
Things are going well. I'm getting so excited and trying to get things done for my husband to come home. I can't really explain how I feel. It's threatening to be overrwhelming.. I just have to remeber to stop and breathe. I am just that excited.
Things are going well. I'm getting so excited and trying to get things done for my husband to come home. I can't really explain how I feel. It's threatening to be overrwhelming.. I just have to remeber to stop and breathe. I am just that excited.
Why is it that for the past week I have been exhausted at night, but couldn't sleep a bit but the one time my son doesn't is awake because he slept in the afternoon, I am practically falling asleep sitting up? It's just so wrong!
I've become hooked on Lifetime television. It's sort of a bad thing because I'm such a sap. Tonight I watched a wonderful movie. It was called "Why I wore lipstick to my mastectomy." If you don't know anything about it, it's about a woman who found out she had breast cancer and her journey from diagnosis to years after her mastectomy. It, like most Lifetime movies, is a true story. It was a great movie and very powerful. I have to say that it made me think about my own journey this time last year.
About this time last year I was going to bed and when I sat down I bumped my breast. It hurt pretty bad, but I had just finished my period and it was tender before from that so I didn't think anything of it before that night. I went to rub it to make it feel better and felt a very large lump. It was right behind the nipple and about the size of a silver dollar. It was very solid. I freaked out and spent some time talking to my husband. You wouldn't believe the thoughts that went through my head. I was able to get an appointment very quickly with a doctor at family practice. He did an exam and was concerned when he realized that it was so solid he could actually grab it. He told me I would need a mamogram. Well because of my age they did an ultrasound instead. Now it was about two weeks before the ultrasound and I was very scared. It was a hard two weeks. I couldn't get the thoughts of if it was cancer or not, things like that. I went for my ultrasound. Everyone there was so nice. The doctor who did my ultrasound got this look on her face that scared me to death. She told me she needed to get her supervisor to come look at it. He came in and looked and then I heard something you never want to hear from your doctor. "I really have no idea what it is." It took everything I had not to lose it. I got dressed and the lady doctor told me that they wanted to do a biopsy. They were going to do a ultrasound guided needle biopsy. It was about three weeks before that appointment and I was in sheer agony. My husband was getting ready for a deployment and we didn't know what was going to happen. I went to the biopsy and it went really smoothly. There was still the confusion and worry because they didn't know what it was. A week later I found out that I had a fibroid mass inside a cyst. It was benign. I was so relieved, but I definitely learned how important it is to do monthly self exams.
I really want to encourage everyone to take this seriously. There are lots of resources out there that can inform you on what you need to do. It doesn't matter how old or how young you are. It can happen to you.
About this time last year I was going to bed and when I sat down I bumped my breast. It hurt pretty bad, but I had just finished my period and it was tender before from that so I didn't think anything of it before that night. I went to rub it to make it feel better and felt a very large lump. It was right behind the nipple and about the size of a silver dollar. It was very solid. I freaked out and spent some time talking to my husband. You wouldn't believe the thoughts that went through my head. I was able to get an appointment very quickly with a doctor at family practice. He did an exam and was concerned when he realized that it was so solid he could actually grab it. He told me I would need a mamogram. Well because of my age they did an ultrasound instead. Now it was about two weeks before the ultrasound and I was very scared. It was a hard two weeks. I couldn't get the thoughts of if it was cancer or not, things like that. I went for my ultrasound. Everyone there was so nice. The doctor who did my ultrasound got this look on her face that scared me to death. She told me she needed to get her supervisor to come look at it. He came in and looked and then I heard something you never want to hear from your doctor. "I really have no idea what it is." It took everything I had not to lose it. I got dressed and the lady doctor told me that they wanted to do a biopsy. They were going to do a ultrasound guided needle biopsy. It was about three weeks before that appointment and I was in sheer agony. My husband was getting ready for a deployment and we didn't know what was going to happen. I went to the biopsy and it went really smoothly. There was still the confusion and worry because they didn't know what it was. A week later I found out that I had a fibroid mass inside a cyst. It was benign. I was so relieved, but I definitely learned how important it is to do monthly self exams.
I really want to encourage everyone to take this seriously. There are lots of resources out there that can inform you on what you need to do. It doesn't matter how old or how young you are. It can happen to you.
It's my favorite time of year here in paradise. Ok so I've only lived here a year, but after experiencing all of the weather patterns, I have to say this is definitely my favorite. It's tradewinds "season" which means beautiful days, nice breezes, and cooler nights. Now the sun can still be really hot if you stand out in it long enough, but the breeze helps cool you down some. This is the time of year that totally makes me feel like it's paradise. It's raining enough that the flowers are blooming nicely but not so much that you can't enjoy the days. We will get afternoon showers sometimes, but the tend to move through quickly or even happen while the sun is out and are light enough you can walk in them and not get more than a little misted. The ones with the sun shining make for another one of my favorite things about Hawaii. RAINBOWS!!!!! I haven't seen a really good one lately, but I expect to see them a little more often now.
Sometimes I still can't believe I live in Hawaii. I wonder if I ever will.
On a totally different note, I'm getting really excited. It's getting so much closer. I ordered a beautiful banner today for when my husband gets home. I'm going to hang it out in front of my house. I had a really hard time thinking up what to put on it. Especially when it came to what to put after "Welcome home." Do I put Daddy? Do I put his rank? His rank is supposed to be changing soon so do I put what he is or what he will be? What if I put what he will be and it doesn't change in time for when they get home? It went on like that for weeks. I had settled on Daddy but then I just didn't want that. I'm telling you it was obsession over a silly banner. I finally settled on something I've always called him that just seemed to work. I'll be sure to post pictures after he gets home. I don't want him catching a sneak peak of it before he gets home. Now I just have to figure out what shoes I'm going to wear for when he comes home, find or make a shirt for my son, and make posters for the place we are meeting them at. I still have plenty of time to do so. At some point I need to start Christmas shopping and shopping for my son's birthday. They both are coming way too quickly. It's weird, but the days are flying by but the nights drag. It doesn't matter though. It will all be here soon.
Sometimes I still can't believe I live in Hawaii. I wonder if I ever will.
On a totally different note, I'm getting really excited. It's getting so much closer. I ordered a beautiful banner today for when my husband gets home. I'm going to hang it out in front of my house. I had a really hard time thinking up what to put on it. Especially when it came to what to put after "Welcome home." Do I put Daddy? Do I put his rank? His rank is supposed to be changing soon so do I put what he is or what he will be? What if I put what he will be and it doesn't change in time for when they get home? It went on like that for weeks. I had settled on Daddy but then I just didn't want that. I'm telling you it was obsession over a silly banner. I finally settled on something I've always called him that just seemed to work. I'll be sure to post pictures after he gets home. I don't want him catching a sneak peak of it before he gets home. Now I just have to figure out what shoes I'm going to wear for when he comes home, find or make a shirt for my son, and make posters for the place we are meeting them at. I still have plenty of time to do so. At some point I need to start Christmas shopping and shopping for my son's birthday. They both are coming way too quickly. It's weird, but the days are flying by but the nights drag. It doesn't matter though. It will all be here soon.
I miss being in bed by 9 pm. Especially when 5:30 am seems to come so very early. Thankfully tomorrow is Saturday and my little man should sleep in at least until 7 if I'm lucky. Why am I not in bed? I surely have nothing stopping me. He went to bed hours ago. So tired he crashed sprawled half on half off the bed. There's really only one reason. I'm lonely.
I was trying to talk to a friend about this earlier and all she could seem to do was tell me to get information about reintegration and what to expect and that I should think about how soon it is and be happy with that. *sighs* How soon it is seems to be the problem. I feel so close and yet so far away. This is honestly how I felt right before R&R but magnified. I'm so excited but I get so lonely because it's not soon enough. I'm so pathetic. As for the reintegration information...everything I hear scares the crap out of me, so I'd rather not read that stuff. Instead of expecting things, I'm just going to expect nothing. Thankfully I have friends that have been through this and are in marriages more like mine and my husband's. They have been the most help in keeping me realistic without scaring me to death. I know I'll get through this phase and I'll be fine. I just needed to get this out of my head so hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.
I was trying to talk to a friend about this earlier and all she could seem to do was tell me to get information about reintegration and what to expect and that I should think about how soon it is and be happy with that. *sighs* How soon it is seems to be the problem. I feel so close and yet so far away. This is honestly how I felt right before R&R but magnified. I'm so excited but I get so lonely because it's not soon enough. I'm so pathetic. As for the reintegration information...everything I hear scares the crap out of me, so I'd rather not read that stuff. Instead of expecting things, I'm just going to expect nothing. Thankfully I have friends that have been through this and are in marriages more like mine and my husband's. They have been the most help in keeping me realistic without scaring me to death. I know I'll get through this phase and I'll be fine. I just needed to get this out of my head so hopefully I will get some sleep tonight.
I heard this song tonight and it has so many things in it that I'm feeling lately. I thought i would go ahead and change my song. I hope you like.
Stay With Me
Danity Kane
[Verse 1]
Raindrops, Fall From, Everywhere
I Reach Out, For You, But Your Not There
So I Stood, Waiting, In The Dark
With Your Picture, In My Hands
Story Of a Broken Heart
[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don't Let Me Go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
[Verse 2]
I'm Trying And Hoping, For The Day
And My Touch Is Enough
To Take The Pain Away
Cause I've Searched For So Long
The Answer Is Clear
I Will Be Hoping We Don't Let It Disappear
[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don't let Me go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's it Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
[Verse 3]
I've searched my heart over
So many many times
No you and I, is like no stars to light the sky at night
Our Picture Hangs Out Of Tune
Remind Me Of The Days
You Promised Me We'd Always
Be And Would Never Go Away
That's Why I Need You To Stay
[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don't let Me go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
[Fades]
oooo.. oh oh
don't leave
so I stay waiting in the dark...
Stay With Me
Danity Kane
[Verse 1]
Raindrops, Fall From, Everywhere
I Reach Out, For You, But Your Not There
So I Stood, Waiting, In The Dark
With Your Picture, In My Hands
Story Of a Broken Heart
[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don't Let Me Go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
[Verse 2]
I'm Trying And Hoping, For The Day
And My Touch Is Enough
To Take The Pain Away
Cause I've Searched For So Long
The Answer Is Clear
I Will Be Hoping We Don't Let It Disappear
[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don't let Me go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's it Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
[Verse 3]
I've searched my heart over
So many many times
No you and I, is like no stars to light the sky at night
Our Picture Hangs Out Of Tune
Remind Me Of The Days
You Promised Me We'd Always
Be And Would Never Go Away
That's Why I Need You To Stay
[Chorus]
Stay With Me
Don't let Me go
Cause I Can't Be Without You
Just Stay With Me
And Hold Me Close
Because I've Built My World Around You
And I Don't Wanna Know What's It Like Without You
So Stay with Me
Just Stay With Me
[Fades]
oooo.. oh oh
don't leave
so I stay waiting in the dark...
Too all the old school Nintendo fans out there, this is hilarious.
Nintendo A'cappella Choir
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Nintendo A'cappella Choir
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Today was a better day. I was still feeling a little icky so I rested while my son was in school. Once he was home we just hung out and did his homework. It was a nice afternoon. Now it's after midnight and I know I should be in bed. In fact I'm really tired, but one thing keeps me from going to bed. Even though I'm sleeping in a twin bed, the though of facing crawling into it alone once again is driving me nuts. I need to get over this and get my butt in bed. I'm going to have a really hard time getting up in the morning.
Oh well. That's life. Tomorrow's another day...Thank God.
Oh well. That's life. Tomorrow's another day...Thank God.
Ok Ok...cheesy line, but what'd you expect. I mean most of this entry is going to be about the earthquake yesterday.
At shortly after 7 am I wake to my bed shaking like crazy. The huge picture I have on the wall over my bed was banging against the wall loudly and in my sleepy haze, I was confused and thinking I was dreaming. My first thought was a tornado. That may sound silly, but I grew up in the south part of Louisiana where those were so frequent I got to where I slept through them. Growing up in trailers, they shake with tornado winds. I realized it wasn't raining hard enough and the wind wasn't really shaking. I freaked. I have to admit I was too scared to even have the common sense to get out of the bed while this huge heavy picture that is lined with a mirror is banging so hard I was sure it was going to fall. I just froze. It only lasted a few minutes, but at the time it felt like forever. The house stopped shaking, but I didn't for another hour.
Since I ruled out a tornado, I had to come up with some explanation. I seriously thought I had imagined it and was going insane. Laugh if you will, but I had never imagined ever being in an earthquake so I was really thinking I was going nuts. My husband was messaging me and I ignored it for a moment to call my sister. Her boyfriend answered and I told him "I know this sounds crazy, but I think we just had an earthquake." He laughed and said they felt it too. Asked if we were ok and said they were going back to bed. Me, I couldn't possibly have gone to sleep. My son, however, slept like a log through the entire thing.
About 20 minutes after the quake the lights went out. I'm not sure when it was, but not too long after the first one, we felt the first aftershock. It was really hard to feel here. I'm just glad we aren't on the big island. Man...that would have been extremely terrifying. We were without power until that evening but we managed to have a decent day. The one thing I don't understand is all the people filling up their cars with gas. Where are they going to go???? It just didn't make sense to me. We're on an island in the middle of the Pacific people. Drive all you want, you aren't going to get away from the problem. I could have understood filling up containers for gas powered generators or things of that nature but cars I don't get. It was so bad some places are out of gas today.
All in all it was an interesting day. I hope to not have to do that anytime soon and I'm glad there were no serious injuries, even on the big island. From what I've heard, the most serious was a broken arm. It could have been much worse. It could have generated a tsunami.
So now I've been through tornadoes, hurricanes, and an earthquake. I wonder what's next!
At shortly after 7 am I wake to my bed shaking like crazy. The huge picture I have on the wall over my bed was banging against the wall loudly and in my sleepy haze, I was confused and thinking I was dreaming. My first thought was a tornado. That may sound silly, but I grew up in the south part of Louisiana where those were so frequent I got to where I slept through them. Growing up in trailers, they shake with tornado winds. I realized it wasn't raining hard enough and the wind wasn't really shaking. I freaked. I have to admit I was too scared to even have the common sense to get out of the bed while this huge heavy picture that is lined with a mirror is banging so hard I was sure it was going to fall. I just froze. It only lasted a few minutes, but at the time it felt like forever. The house stopped shaking, but I didn't for another hour.
Since I ruled out a tornado, I had to come up with some explanation. I seriously thought I had imagined it and was going insane. Laugh if you will, but I had never imagined ever being in an earthquake so I was really thinking I was going nuts. My husband was messaging me and I ignored it for a moment to call my sister. Her boyfriend answered and I told him "I know this sounds crazy, but I think we just had an earthquake." He laughed and said they felt it too. Asked if we were ok and said they were going back to bed. Me, I couldn't possibly have gone to sleep. My son, however, slept like a log through the entire thing.
About 20 minutes after the quake the lights went out. I'm not sure when it was, but not too long after the first one, we felt the first aftershock. It was really hard to feel here. I'm just glad we aren't on the big island. Man...that would have been extremely terrifying. We were without power until that evening but we managed to have a decent day. The one thing I don't understand is all the people filling up their cars with gas. Where are they going to go???? It just didn't make sense to me. We're on an island in the middle of the Pacific people. Drive all you want, you aren't going to get away from the problem. I could have understood filling up containers for gas powered generators or things of that nature but cars I don't get. It was so bad some places are out of gas today.
All in all it was an interesting day. I hope to not have to do that anytime soon and I'm glad there were no serious injuries, even on the big island. From what I've heard, the most serious was a broken arm. It could have been much worse. It could have generated a tsunami.
So now I've been through tornadoes, hurricanes, and an earthquake. I wonder what's next!
My computer cord broke. Part of it actually broke off. My battery is about to die and I have no idea how long it will take for the replacement I ordered to get here. Hopefully not very long. I'll let you know when I'm back.
This sucks!
This sucks!
Last night my son spent the night with my sister. I was all alone and what did I do to celebrate? I slept. Yep...that's right...I slept. After two days of moderately more energy, I'm back to square one, but I think I might have found the culprit. I slept 13 hours and honestly feel like I could sleep more. I was up a few times but not for more than 15 minutes. It was really nice to sleep and not worry about when my son was going to wake up. In fact I slept so hard that I missed a total of 14 text messages from my husband. YOu have to udnerstand that they are really loud and right beside my head. Normally I could sleep through one or two but never that many. I feel so bad or doing that. I was just out. I hope he isn't upset with me. I really have no explanation.
Tonight was a good night. My sister came and picked us up and the three of us went to Dave and Busters. They seem a little pricy at first but I got three meals at least out of my burger and my sister and son both took home leftover. We also had an appetizer of tempura fried mushrooms (YUM!!!!)and a desert shared between the three of us. With our meal, my sister and I got 10 dollar game cards to use in the midway so it was really a great deal. After we ate, we went up and had a blast playing different games. The only problem I have with it is that I get extremely hot every time we are up there. We turned in our tickets, picked out a few trinket toys for my son and headed out.
We had to go to another base to get some papers I needed from someone then we decided to go to the mall because I had mentioned needing a replacement tongue ring because the ball on mine fell down the sink. I've been wearing the one that came with the piercing but it is too long and gets annoying after a while. Anyway..so We headed into Hot Topic and didn't find anything there so we went to Spencer's because I knew they had at least one I liked. I found quite a few I wanted there, but settled on a pack of five different colored ones and a flat topped one that says "Eat Me" on it and has a fork and a person. Bad, I know, but I love it! We also got my son a Superman costume that he just had to have. It was half price so who am I to argue. I also got a 10% discount with my military ID so YAY!! After spencers we stopped and got some candy and then went to the toy store because I had promised my son we could go in. I gave him $6 and told him he could get whatever he wanted for that. He settled on some playdough. We asked him when we got in the car if he was going to leave it with his aunt so he would have it when he goes to spend the night tomorrow night. He was excited at the idea and we thought it was over.
She brought us home. He had fallen asleep on the way so I had to wake him up. I just had way too much stuff to carry to be able to carry him and he's getting REALLY heavy. He woke up easily enough and came inside. That is when the trouble started.
I was putting food in the fridge when he asked for his playdough. I told him about him leaving it with his aunt so he could have it tomorrow. He didn't like that and started crying. We had a discussion about it and finally he calmed down to sulking and watching tv laying on the couch. Then he asked for his costume. Now he had been told in the store that he would not be able to wear it until Halloween. It was not to play with. I left it in the car so I wouldn't have to keep taking it from him. He threw a little fit and I told him to stop or go to bed. He stopped but later came over to stand by me. This is how the conversation went.
me: What do you need, baby?
him: Gimme that. (pointing to the back of the couch.)
me: Give you what?
him: That phone.(mumbles something I don't understand)
me: Who are you going to call?
him: I call the police?
me: (chuckling) why?
him: I call police and tell on Aunt L.
me: (laughing now) Tell them what?
him: L took my costume. I tell police.
Ok so bad mom, I'm laughing. It was funny. We talked about the Halloween thing again and he eventually got over it. He's drawing with his huge pen he got at D&B and about to go to bed. I just thought that was amusing. At least he knows part of what the police do. He can be too cute.
All in all today was wonderful. The only part that stunk was not getting to talk to my husband. He messaged me at 4 this morning and I'm messaging him back on my phone, falling asleep between messages. When he told me he was considering a nap, I jumped on it. I enthusiastically convinced him to go ahead and we'd talk later. Unfortunately that didn't work out and we will have to wait until tomorrow. The good news is I slept until 10:45. Yes...I said ten. Man it was nice and for the first time in a week I wasn't exhausted all day. Like I said...it was a good day. Hoping tomorrow will be one as well.
We had to go to another base to get some papers I needed from someone then we decided to go to the mall because I had mentioned needing a replacement tongue ring because the ball on mine fell down the sink. I've been wearing the one that came with the piercing but it is too long and gets annoying after a while. Anyway..so We headed into Hot Topic and didn't find anything there so we went to Spencer's because I knew they had at least one I liked. I found quite a few I wanted there, but settled on a pack of five different colored ones and a flat topped one that says "Eat Me" on it and has a fork and a person. Bad, I know, but I love it! We also got my son a Superman costume that he just had to have. It was half price so who am I to argue. I also got a 10% discount with my military ID so YAY!! After spencers we stopped and got some candy and then went to the toy store because I had promised my son we could go in. I gave him $6 and told him he could get whatever he wanted for that. He settled on some playdough. We asked him when we got in the car if he was going to leave it with his aunt so he would have it when he goes to spend the night tomorrow night. He was excited at the idea and we thought it was over.
She brought us home. He had fallen asleep on the way so I had to wake him up. I just had way too much stuff to carry to be able to carry him and he's getting REALLY heavy. He woke up easily enough and came inside. That is when the trouble started.
I was putting food in the fridge when he asked for his playdough. I told him about him leaving it with his aunt so he could have it tomorrow. He didn't like that and started crying. We had a discussion about it and finally he calmed down to sulking and watching tv laying on the couch. Then he asked for his costume. Now he had been told in the store that he would not be able to wear it until Halloween. It was not to play with. I left it in the car so I wouldn't have to keep taking it from him. He threw a little fit and I told him to stop or go to bed. He stopped but later came over to stand by me. This is how the conversation went.
me: What do you need, baby?
him: Gimme that. (pointing to the back of the couch.)
me: Give you what?
him: That phone.(mumbles something I don't understand)
me: Who are you going to call?
him: I call the police?
me: (chuckling) why?
him: I call police and tell on Aunt L.
me: (laughing now) Tell them what?
him: L took my costume. I tell police.
Ok so bad mom, I'm laughing. It was funny. We talked about the Halloween thing again and he eventually got over it. He's drawing with his huge pen he got at D&B and about to go to bed. I just thought that was amusing. At least he knows part of what the police do. He can be too cute.
All in all today was wonderful. The only part that stunk was not getting to talk to my husband. He messaged me at 4 this morning and I'm messaging him back on my phone, falling asleep between messages. When he told me he was considering a nap, I jumped on it. I enthusiastically convinced him to go ahead and we'd talk later. Unfortunately that didn't work out and we will have to wait until tomorrow. The good news is I slept until 10:45. Yes...I said ten. Man it was nice and for the first time in a week I wasn't exhausted all day. Like I said...it was a good day. Hoping tomorrow will be one as well.
You know you are bored and a little lonely when you start having conversations with yourself like someone else was in the room and actually participating...ok so maybe i'm just a little crazy...anyway. I think maybe I should try sleep before I start scaring myself.
My son has been really good this week. I mean really good. No screaming fits just because. No telling me no every time I ask him to do something. He actually does what I say the first time most of the time and if he doesn't and I repeat it, he does it without having a melt down. I have no idea what the sudden change is. Two things have changed in his world. He hasn't had school all week and his aunt moved out. Well this may sound mean, but I think it's more the last one. My sister was very hard on him. I mean he was dishing out the bad but it was like he had to walk on eggshells just to keep her from yelling at him. Trust me, we are all much more relaxed and getting along better now that she's not here. Still I'm waiting for him to go back to the rebellious hellion he was before. Trust me, he was bad before she got here and actually got better when she was first here. I think we all just needed a break. I don't see how sisters can live together more than a few months without getting on each others nerves.
It's been a blessing that my little man is behaving so well. I've been extremely tired for a while. It started Saturday. My cold is a lot better but I still feel so drained. If it doesn't get any better, I'm going to talk to my doctor about it when I go for my leg next week. I don't know if antibiotics can do this or what. I'm just tired of being so tired. I literally could sleep all day if my son wasn't here. As it is, I will doze off on the couch off and on through the day. I know I sound like a horrible parent but he's always right beside me playing. He will wake me from the dozing often because he needs help with something he's doing or just to talk to me and I never get mad. I still play with him and things, but it's not the same. I was worried at first that it might be the depression thing coming back, but I've been doing so amazingly well in that department that I don't see how it could be. I am too excited and just generally happy other than my illness so I don't think that has anything to do with it. I'm so far from where I was then. So far. I just need to figure this out so I can get my life back. I actually want to do things..I just can't. It's driving me nuts.
All in all, things seem to be looking up. I'm not going to get too used to it though. Just when I did, it would change. I'm just going to enjoy the moment.
It's been a blessing that my little man is behaving so well. I've been extremely tired for a while. It started Saturday. My cold is a lot better but I still feel so drained. If it doesn't get any better, I'm going to talk to my doctor about it when I go for my leg next week. I don't know if antibiotics can do this or what. I'm just tired of being so tired. I literally could sleep all day if my son wasn't here. As it is, I will doze off on the couch off and on through the day. I know I sound like a horrible parent but he's always right beside me playing. He will wake me from the dozing often because he needs help with something he's doing or just to talk to me and I never get mad. I still play with him and things, but it's not the same. I was worried at first that it might be the depression thing coming back, but I've been doing so amazingly well in that department that I don't see how it could be. I am too excited and just generally happy other than my illness so I don't think that has anything to do with it. I'm so far from where I was then. So far. I just need to figure this out so I can get my life back. I actually want to do things..I just can't. It's driving me nuts.
All in all, things seem to be looking up. I'm not going to get too used to it though. Just when I did, it would change. I'm just going to enjoy the moment.
Went to the doctor today. He decided to not pack my leg and set my appointment for next week. No more going to the doctor daily to get it checked and packed. No more sponge baths. HOORAY FOR SHOWERS!!!!!! Now I just have to hope it heals quickly and completely so we don't have to start all over again. I'll find out next Wednesday. Now that sounds nice!
It was six months ago tomorrow that I was diagnosed with Bell's Palsy. Six months ago today I totally lost control of the muscles in the right side of my face. I have had all of that time to get used to the fact that I may never be 'normal' again. Now I have gotten a lot of my mouth back. My doctor for my leg said he couldn't even tell. I can close my eye, but I can't move my eyebrow or anything on my forehead on that side. I still dribble drink because I can't fully close my mouth. I still have trouble eating loud foods with the quietness I once had. I have always been one who is easily annoyed by open mouthed eating and here I am seeming to have that exact problem sometimes. The muscle under my eye twitches uncontrollably because of the nerve regeneration. When I try to chew or drink with a straw on the right side, my mouth pulls the muscle under my eye down like when you scrunch your face up and my eye starts to close. It is a very annoying thing. I know people deal with this for a long time and there are some that never have full recovery. I thought I had dealt with that and since I had most of my smile back I was ok, but I guess I was wrong. I won't go into why I'm not, but I'm not. I hate this. I want to scream. I'm tired of dropping food onto my shirt. I've always been the one that did that but now it's even worse. I'm tired of so many little things that I never even thought about before. What frustrates me most is there is no knowing why this happened. It was just a random thing that I happened to get. November will signal the end of one really odd health year. A year filled with mysterious infections and illnesses. I so hope next year is much better and I'll be honest, I'm a little scared to see what the rest of this and next month holds for me. I just pray my face is a little more back to normal before my husband gets home. I hate not being whole for him. I know he doesn't care, but I do. I really do. I remember how the kisses felt different and how frustrating that was. I don't want that again. I want to be 'normal.' whatever that means.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't want to hear me whine. Like I said, I'm usually really ok with all of this. I guess I just had a moment where I wasn't. Sometimes it's hard to accept completely an imperfection in ourselves. Especially when we have absolutely no control over it. That's all I really want. A little more control.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't want to hear me whine. Like I said, I'm usually really ok with all of this. I guess I just had a moment where I wasn't. Sometimes it's hard to accept completely an imperfection in ourselves. Especially when we have absolutely no control over it. That's all I really want. A little more control.
I had the weirdest dream last night. It was one of those that had me wanting to cry and say WTH? at the same time. I know exactly where it is coming from. One of those dreams that's not hard to figure out but still it's just so weird. Oh well.
It is so much nicer to have my sister not living with me. Not for the reasons you would think. I spent the afternoon with her and it was just so much more pleasant. She is great with her boyfriend and so very happy which makes me happy. It was really a nice time. She was worried I didn't have fun and I'll admit I was miserable, but that was because of the cold I have. Definitely not the company. It was a really nice evening. She cooked shrimp alfredo and corn on the cob and made a salad that was soooo good. It was just a really nice time. We are going to do something Friday afternoon and I'm so looking forward to it. It's a nice feeling.
Why is it that something with a name as exotic as dragon fruit can be about as bland as can be? I tasted some tonight and it was very bland. Nothing to make me want to eat it. My sister's guy suggested putting sugar on it but I am not big on eating fruit I have to add sugar too. Now once in a while I like to add a little to strawberries or blueberries but that is VERY rare. I like my fruit nice and natural. I do have to say that it is very pretty to look at though.
I took some medicine and now I feel decent. I'm not as stuffy and coughing my head off. I hate sneezing though. I'm sneezing these ones that give you a headache for a few minutes after because they are so forceful. I have to say this medicine is the best I've tried for a cold. I'm just worried because I'm on so many different medicines for different things from two different doctors and I'm worried this otc medicine might be a bad interaction or that the other medicines might not work well together. I won't see my doctor until Wednesday so I won't get to talk to him about it. I'm going to try and talk to the nurse about it. The sad part is I need most of the medicines I take every day. I guess I don't need them to live. The quality of life without them just sucks really bad. I hate saying that but it's true. Before the cold I started a new medicine and for the first time in my life I just felt so good. Several people mentioned being able to tell a difference. Of course then the lack of sleep and cold had me back to miserable but I still have a different state of mind that I can't ever remember having. Not even as a child. I'm just so much more clear headed and that is an amazing feeling. I just can't explain it really well. Hopefully after I get rid of the cold and infection I will be better than I ever have. Something to look forward to!
Why is it that something with a name as exotic as dragon fruit can be about as bland as can be? I tasted some tonight and it was very bland. Nothing to make me want to eat it. My sister's guy suggested putting sugar on it but I am not big on eating fruit I have to add sugar too. Now once in a while I like to add a little to strawberries or blueberries but that is VERY rare. I like my fruit nice and natural. I do have to say that it is very pretty to look at though.
I took some medicine and now I feel decent. I'm not as stuffy and coughing my head off. I hate sneezing though. I'm sneezing these ones that give you a headache for a few minutes after because they are so forceful. I have to say this medicine is the best I've tried for a cold. I'm just worried because I'm on so many different medicines for different things from two different doctors and I'm worried this otc medicine might be a bad interaction or that the other medicines might not work well together. I won't see my doctor until Wednesday so I won't get to talk to him about it. I'm going to try and talk to the nurse about it. The sad part is I need most of the medicines I take every day. I guess I don't need them to live. The quality of life without them just sucks really bad. I hate saying that but it's true. Before the cold I started a new medicine and for the first time in my life I just felt so good. Several people mentioned being able to tell a difference. Of course then the lack of sleep and cold had me back to miserable but I still have a different state of mind that I can't ever remember having. Not even as a child. I'm just so much more clear headed and that is an amazing feeling. I just can't explain it really well. Hopefully after I get rid of the cold and infection I will be better than I ever have. Something to look forward to!
My son is out of school this week for his fall break. They go to school year round so they get a week off in October. Lucky me. I was so apprehensive about him being away from me all day and now I crave those quiet hours after I put him on the bus. At least I don't have to worry about him getting on my sister's nerves..which seemed to be way too easy. She was always trying to keep him quiet and still. He's a 5 year old boy...let him be one!! She moved out so now it's just back to the two of us and I'm honestly liking it. I never realized how much my life revolved around not upsetting her. Don't get me wrong. She's not horrible. She just was difficult to get used to. I still love her...just get along better when she's somewhere else!
I have been doing a lot of online shopping for clothes to wear for my husband when he comes home. I have the entire outfit picked out except for the shirt. I bought a shirt that is a gorgeous color and SOOOOOOOO comfortable but it's not oozing sexy. It's more classy sexy. There are a few aspects that will make up for it, but I don't know if I should look for a different shirt or just keep the one I have. I hate making decisions. Good thing I have a little bit to figure it out. I'm getting so excited. I have this list in my head of things I need to get done, but it is in no order so it's a mess. My only hope at this point is that I'm fully healthy when he gets home.
I'm so tired of this being sick thing. I want them to figure out why I keep getting infections. I talked to my doctor and he asked me if I had been tested for Diabetes. I had thought I had in May and sure enough he went back and looked. He said that all of my tests were normal so it's good to know that's it. I'm sort of like "what now? That can't be the end of the subject" but I don't know if it is or not. I'll be seeing a lot of him this week at least so I'll talk to him a little more. Hopefully this week will be my last week, though they did say the other day that I had at last 3 more weeks of the every day thing to go. 31 days left on antibiotics...man I'm tired of being sick.
I said I'd say more about my son's school later on, so I guess I will now. He loves school so much. He gets on the bus every morning excited about going to school. He has loved it since the beginning but seems to be getting so much more out of it now. They put him in a Self contained class that has only 7 kids in it total.They teach the same things the other class did, just at a slower pace and with more one on one attention which is what he needed. He has gone from not being able to count above 6 to counting to 22 in two weeks! His speech is improving a good bit and he walks around counting everything. He loves to be read to now and will actually pay attention for more than a few pages. He loves to write. He will write random numbers and letters and actually wrote his dad a letter. It's great to see him blossoming but at the same time I wish I could freeze this for my husband to see. I'm saving his papers for when my husband gets home and keeping him as up to date as I can. I know it doesn't make not being here easier though.
The closer we get to the end, the harder it seems to be getting for him. For me it's easier because I have something to work towards now. I have a fixed goal. Well as fixed as you can get in the military. It's so hard for me to not get extremely excited. I just have to make it a little longer and I think I can do it. Man it's been a long year!
I have been doing a lot of online shopping for clothes to wear for my husband when he comes home. I have the entire outfit picked out except for the shirt. I bought a shirt that is a gorgeous color and SOOOOOOOO comfortable but it's not oozing sexy. It's more classy sexy. There are a few aspects that will make up for it, but I don't know if I should look for a different shirt or just keep the one I have. I hate making decisions. Good thing I have a little bit to figure it out. I'm getting so excited. I have this list in my head of things I need to get done, but it is in no order so it's a mess. My only hope at this point is that I'm fully healthy when he gets home.
I'm so tired of this being sick thing. I want them to figure out why I keep getting infections. I talked to my doctor and he asked me if I had been tested for Diabetes. I had thought I had in May and sure enough he went back and looked. He said that all of my tests were normal so it's good to know that's it. I'm sort of like "what now? That can't be the end of the subject" but I don't know if it is or not. I'll be seeing a lot of him this week at least so I'll talk to him a little more. Hopefully this week will be my last week, though they did say the other day that I had at last 3 more weeks of the every day thing to go. 31 days left on antibiotics...man I'm tired of being sick.
I said I'd say more about my son's school later on, so I guess I will now. He loves school so much. He gets on the bus every morning excited about going to school. He has loved it since the beginning but seems to be getting so much more out of it now. They put him in a Self contained class that has only 7 kids in it total.They teach the same things the other class did, just at a slower pace and with more one on one attention which is what he needed. He has gone from not being able to count above 6 to counting to 22 in two weeks! His speech is improving a good bit and he walks around counting everything. He loves to be read to now and will actually pay attention for more than a few pages. He loves to write. He will write random numbers and letters and actually wrote his dad a letter. It's great to see him blossoming but at the same time I wish I could freeze this for my husband to see. I'm saving his papers for when my husband gets home and keeping him as up to date as I can. I know it doesn't make not being here easier though.
The closer we get to the end, the harder it seems to be getting for him. For me it's easier because I have something to work towards now. I have a fixed goal. Well as fixed as you can get in the military. It's so hard for me to not get extremely excited. I just have to make it a little longer and I think I can do it. Man it's been a long year!