Just Simply Jen

I'm about to post on something I very rarely do. It has do to with my religious beliefs. Before I start, I just want to make it very clear that I am not preaching to anyone. That's not my style. I'm just putting my personal feelings and experience of the past year in print. Sometimes I need to do that just for me. Seeing it makes me feel better. I will understand if you choose not to read what I write, and for those who disagree with what I say, that's fine. All I ask is that people don't blast me for my beliefs. I wouldn't do that to you. I have several friends that I hope would be able to attest to that. That being said, here goes nothing.

Tonight I was listening to a CD I was given today when my sister's boyfriend was cleaning out his cd collection. It had the song When You Believe from the movie Prince of Egypt on it. I started sobbing when that song started playing. I wasn't expecting that reaction, but it happened. It was in the words of that song that I realized something. Over this past year, I lost my faith. No, it's not completely gone. It was there for the little things, but in the things I really needed to exercise that faith, it was gone. I spent a lot of time worrying and upset over so many different things and things just got worse. Past experiences have taught me that holding on to my faith makes the bad things easier to bear and I come out a little less scarred. I'm coming out of this past year wearing many new scars and I am asking myself if some of them couldn't have been avoided. Unfortunately my answer is yes. If I'd remembered to trust in God's promise that He was going to get me through the tough times, maybe certain things would have been a little easier. There is nothing I can do about it now. I can't go back and change anything that has already happened, but I can start fresh. I am finding comfort in knowing that even some of the greatest biblical figures faltered in their faith and they came out of it ok. This all sounded so much better in my head, but I do feel good getting it down in writing. Today I start a journey on reclaiming my faith. It's not an unfamiliar journey, but it is one I've never had to take without my support system. It promises to be filled with ups and downs but hopefully there will be more ups. Hopefully I will get back to the woman that I once was. If we are going to continue in this military life, I'm definitely going to need it. I hope people will look at this and see that I am by no means perfect. I have my doubts and fears and I even have questioned myself on why I believe what I do. I won't lie, I haven't found all of the answers and for a while I stopped looking. I guess I was afraid I would find something I didn't like. I'm not going to give the usual "I'm not perfect, I'm forgiven" line. I don't think I'm better than anyone and sometimes what is intended as a witty comeback comes off as sounding very holier than though. That's not me. I'm just simply a woman on a journey. I have many friends who believe very differently from me and I still love all of them the same. No matter what I believe, that will never change. After all, if Jesus went around only loving those who believed every word he said without question, a lot of people would have been left out. I think a lot of Christians forget that and it makes me sad, but if there are any truths I don't doubt, it's that one. Love comes without limits. No, I'm not joking or a phony. I have loved some people that have turned out to be pretty hard to love. I may not be big fans of them and I will admit that there are a few I strongly dislike. Thankfully I can love someone and still dislike their actions. Thankfully that is one thing I have learned in my life and know to be true. Hopefully I'll figure the rest out soon enough.

Thanks for letting me ramble. If you made it through this, thanks for putting up with me. Sometimes you just have to take a deep breath and let it all out and not worry so much about upsetting everyone. I can't make everyone happy all the time, but I will try to not make you feel bad. These are just my thoughts on my life and they don't necessarily apply to anyone else. This is just another part of Jen. Accept it or don't. I leave that choice up to you. I warn you though, your acceptance will not change me. I'm definitely getting past that point in my life. I am pretty sure that most of my friends who are really friends, will accept this as part of who I am and move on. I really hope I'm right. I'll stop rambling now. I think I should go to bed before my fingers start typing things that make no sense instead of just a little sense.