It seems like in life we always have certain words we have to struggle with squeezing out. Some people have trouble saying they are sorry, some people have trouble asking for help. A big one I had for a really long time was saying no. Who am I kidding, I still have trouble with that one. Sure I can say it more easily now, but it's usually followed by long bouts of extreme guilt. Lately though, I've had an extreme amount of trouble with one word and really only when talking to one person.
The person is my husband and the word is goodbye. In December you could never have convinced me that the goodbye I said to my husband that day was not going to be the second hardest one I have to face this year. I say second because I've always anticipated the one following R&R is going to be even harder. Now I'm really not so sure that the one I said a few months ago was any harder than the ones I have to say on almost a daily basis lately. I don't know why but lately, when I talk to him on the computer or phone, I have had such a hard time saying goodbye. I talked to him on the phone today for the first time in about two weeks and when it was time to say goodbye, I found myself in tears. I don't understand. When did I go from being ok to a mess that wants to cling to him as long as I can???? It's not every time I talk to him. It's really not but, for the past week, it's been about every other time at the very least.
Saying goodbye to him was easier in December because we were starting things finally. Finally I could get out of the 'he's leaving soon' mind set and actually work on moving through this year apart. Now I feel stuck. I could look forward to R&R but I'm really trying not to. I don't want to let myself get excited about something because it usually just ends up blowing up in my face. I do know how really fortunate I am to get as much communication as I do with my husband and I appreciate that fact. It just doesn't make the saying goodbye part any easier just because I'm getting something someone else might not be getting. I hate that I feel that way. I want to be totally unselfish about it, but I'm only human. I just hope my friends can forgive me for that.
I'm really hoping this is just a result of my elevated emotional state. A lot of things are going on right now and I feel like one big ball of messy emotions just waiting to explode. In some ways, I honestly feel like I'm on the brink of insanity but, to stand on the outside looking in, I look perfectly calm. Isn't it weird how we are able to do that? I know a few people who are a lot better at it than I am. I come here and spill when they don't even allow themselves a place to do that. I like to think of my blog as my therapy. Makes me feel a lot less guilty about pouring my heart out to the world. Doesn't hurt that only a few people who come here actually know who I am. To everyone else I'm just some crazy chic who really needs to get a life. Ok so maybe I'm that to the ones who know me too. All I do know is I'm finished with this ramble and, yes, I do feel better. This was a much better alternative to curling up in a ball on my bed and crying until my nose turned into a river and my head hurt really bad. Now we can all resume our regularly scheduled programming.
Saying goodbye to him was easier in December because we were starting things finally. Finally I could get out of the 'he's leaving soon' mind set and actually work on moving through this year apart. Now I feel stuck. I could look forward to R&R but I'm really trying not to. I don't want to let myself get excited about something because it usually just ends up blowing up in my face. I do know how really fortunate I am to get as much communication as I do with my husband and I appreciate that fact. It just doesn't make the saying goodbye part any easier just because I'm getting something someone else might not be getting. I hate that I feel that way. I want to be totally unselfish about it, but I'm only human. I just hope my friends can forgive me for that.
I'm really hoping this is just a result of my elevated emotional state. A lot of things are going on right now and I feel like one big ball of messy emotions just waiting to explode. In some ways, I honestly feel like I'm on the brink of insanity but, to stand on the outside looking in, I look perfectly calm. Isn't it weird how we are able to do that? I know a few people who are a lot better at it than I am. I come here and spill when they don't even allow themselves a place to do that. I like to think of my blog as my therapy. Makes me feel a lot less guilty about pouring my heart out to the world. Doesn't hurt that only a few people who come here actually know who I am. To everyone else I'm just some crazy chic who really needs to get a life. Ok so maybe I'm that to the ones who know me too. All I do know is I'm finished with this ramble and, yes, I do feel better. This was a much better alternative to curling up in a ball on my bed and crying until my nose turned into a river and my head hurt really bad. Now we can all resume our regularly scheduled programming.
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