I have been struggling with posting for days. I just didn't want to keep complaining and have everyone thinking that's all I do. It's really not. Most of the time I'm just fine. It's like my friend reminded me, that's what my blog is for. It makes me feel better to get it out so here goes.
We love people in our lives and it really comes out how much when they ask us for what we least want to do. That's when you find out what you are really made of. It's in that moment of "are my needs more important than theirs?" where we find out what we are really made of.
What did it for me was being asked to rip the bandages off my still aching heart. I'm confusing right now I know, but I'll try to make some sense. A lot of people have hurt me recently. Some intentionally and some unintentionally. The thing that has hurt me most is my husband being gone and the overwhelming need that came with it. I've always been emotionally self sufficient for the most part. I mean I really dined have a choice. Something happened when I married him and I didn't realize it until recently. He became such a part of me that I didn't know where I ended and he began. So what do you think happened when he had to leave? I ended up with pieces of me missing. I began to need him in ways that I never imagined possible. I was doing alright dealing with that need. I honestly have, but life has been a little crazy the past few weeks and the one person that I always confided in, was not around. When I did talk to him, I would feel so guilty about bothering him and it became really hard. I also started to find that saying goodbye to him was very hard. More often than not, when he would have to get offline I would break down in tears. I couldn't handle this. It was like all of the emotion everyone was sending my way was breaking me and so I sort of unconsciously made a decision to stop. I turned off the switch. Well maybe dimmed it a good bit. I cut off my contact with toxic friends. I stopped answering my phone more than once a day from dramatic people who were stressing me out. I started focusing on emotions that were a lot easier to deal with. It was easy enough. At least it was until today.
My husband was dealing with emotions that I had been dealing with for months. The loneliness and raw need that could only be fixed by actually being together. He tried talking to me today and I didn't know what to say. I was scared. I didn't want to have to feel all of that again when I was becoming numb enough to make it through the day without tears. I wanted to help him feel better, but I didn't want to have to feel in the process. I asked how to help him and he told me he needed to know how I felt. I couldn't. I was so convinced I couldn't. Then he asked me what I dreaded most. "Not even for me?"
This man that I need like I need breath was asking me to do the hardest thing ever. I would die for him. I've had children for him. I've given up a lot to help make his dreams come true and I have never regretted that, but could I do this? Could I open up and invite all of those feelings back in. "Not even for me" became the hardest thing I ever had to answer. I honestly wanted to say no, but then I did it. I said yes and I spilled. I told him everything I had felt. I learned something at that point. Sometimes all you need to heal is to stop thinking about what you need and give into what they need.
He felt better. I didn't hurt as bad as I thought I would. I was able to make the man I love feel better and in the process some of those feelings worked there way out and are more bearable. Maybe now my heart can heal in a healthy manner. Maybe now instead of being numb I will be able to deal with my feelings. Hopefully the goodbyes will get a little easier. I'm really not sure how much longer I can keep saying goodbye and not feel like it might be my last.
I don't know if I made any more sense at the end than I did at the beginning, but I do feel better.
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