Just Simply Jen

I've never made it a secret how much I love my husband. Not in the past almost 7 years. I just don't think I realized exactly how much until this deployment. I can't imagine what life would be like without him so I don't even try. I'm not sitting here scared every moment that someone is going to knock on my door to give me the bad news. I'm not obsessed with the bombings or whatever is going on over there on a day to day basis. If I hear of something happening, I don't automatically become worried that it was my husband that was the one injured. I have a peace about that sort of thing. It doesn't hurt that my husband has a relatively safe MOS...well about as safe as you can get in a war zone. This morning that peace was totally shattered, even if it was just for the day.
I dreamt I was at my cousin's house and I don't remember what we were doing but someone knocked on the door. We both got to it at the same time and there was standing a woman wearing an MWR(Morale, Welfare, and Recreation for those of you outside of the military lingo loop) shirt with her official nametag and all of that stuff. Now that part is funny because it is just so wrong. If what happend next were really happening, they wouldn't be the one telling you. To top it off she was incredibly short. Well since logic hardly ever prevails in dreams, mine at least, the moment I saw her I knew what was wrong. My cousin is an ex military spouse and so she knew it too. I started with the whole "no, this isn't happening" crying spill. She informs me that my husband was badly injured. I started with the "but he's going to be alright?" lines and she just shook her head. I broke down. Somehow it ends up changing to me, my son, and my husband in that same living room and we are playing. I am asking my husband to do something and he goes to do it but something just isn't right. It's this wonderfully loving family moment but I can't get the nagging feeling to go away. I reach out to take his hand and I can't reach him. It doesn't matter that I'm right there or that I can see him plain as day. I can't reach him. The he walks over and picks up my son and gives me this sad look. The only way I can explain it is him saying goodbye. Thankfully this is where my husband woke me up for real. He sent me a text message through Yahoo and that woke me up. Even after I was awake and new that he obviously was just fine, I couldn't shake that fear. It literally made me sick to my stomach.
Now, some of you might be sitting there saying "it was just a dream, what's the big deal" but it really wasn't. It was like taking a walk through my worst fear and for those moments living the hell that no one deserves to have to go through. Within an hour I lost my husband twice and my son. I could feel all of that disbelief and pain, just on a smaller scale. Before you think I don't know what it could possibly feel like, keep in mind that I've already burried one son. I know.
I tried to shake it off and after a long talk with my husband, I was in a fairly better mood. My son was so sweet when he wasn't getting into things he shouldn't.He was full of hugs and kisses for me today. That really helped. Later in the day I got an email from a friend that someone they were close to had died. He had been battling cancer and Saturday was given only 48 hours to live. He passed away on Monday morning. He was a year older than my husband and had two little children with another due any day. My heart broke for that family. I can't imagine what she is going through right now and yet so many families do have to go through it. Not cancer, but there are so many things out there. She is living through the fears that so many of us have.
I am feeling better now. Writing it all out is purging it. I just hope I don't have to go through it anytime soon. It's now 4 am and I haven't slept. Mainly becasue I actually had caffiene today but partly because I'm scared to sleep. I'm going to say a few prayers and hope that I can sleep well. Thankfully, my nightmare can be ended. I'm one of the lucky ones.