Just Simply Jen

I have been doing a little self reflection this morning and it's been interesting. I have a tendency to see more of the flaws in myself than anything good or to take what is a perfectly fine quality and making it into a weakness. Everyone has a tendency to do that I believe. Some just more than others.
So what got me started on this train of thought this morning? Music. Someone I know posted a song on their Facebook account and I watched a video of the song. That led me to other videos and they seemed to get progressively sadder or at least caused more tears. This is not unusual for me though. Music has always been one of those things that touched me deeper than anything else. Put the sappiness in video form and I'm a goner. Unfortunately, it's not just music that can choke me up. Even something that seems little and insignificant to most can touch me. I've always had what my mom called a "big heart." She and friends down the line have called it a gift but I've always viewed it as a curse because not only do I get the happier choked up a lot, but I hurt a lot. I have this ability to deeply feel the pain of others and my heart hurts for them.
The words that I seem to say the most is "I'm sorry." Sometimes I am apologizing for what I feel are personal screw ups but I also say it a lot when someone is telling me things that they are dealing with that are less than pleasant. The usual response is either "it's not your fault" or "why? Did you do it/make it happen?" I wish I could make everyone understand up front that what I mean is "I'm sorry you are having to deal with that." I also wish that people could know that I really mean it. I'm not a placater. I don't say things just because I think it is what people want to hear. I say it because I truly mean it. It's the same thing with any compliments I give. If I say it, then I mean it. I'm not being kind or just boosting ego. It is how I feel.
For the first time in my life, I can see the gift in being me. I love how I feel when someone truly cares about me and takes the time to tell me. I love that, maybe for just a minute, I can make someone else feel that someone out there cares. Definitely not saying this in an egotistical way because I can't control this part of me any more than I can control my heartbeat. It is just part of me. Sometimes it is horrible and painful but other times it is just wonderful. I have met wonderful people and made a few wonderful friends who I don't think I would have taken the time to get to know otherwise. That far out weighs the ones that have taken advantage of who I am and hurt me.
So next time you find me crying over something totally ridiculous, laugh away. I laugh at myself enough for it. It's just who I am and it's something I don't think I'm ready to get rid of any time soon. For once, I like this part of me.