Just Simply Jen

I have been a very cranky duck today. I hate that. I try really hard not to be and then start biting peoples heads off over nothing. I wish I could blame it on PMS and that be all that it is but really it's more than that. Today is always a hard day for me.
It was this day 9 years ago that I gave birth to my first son at 14 weeks. I could probably just say I had a miscarriage but it was much more than that. If it wasn't, maybe it wouldn't haunt me like it does at times.The rest of this might be really hard to read so I will understand if you don't want to. I just need to get it out of my head and maybe it won't be so hard for a little while.



I remember being really uncomfortable the night before but it was my first pregnancy so I didn't have anything to gauge it against. A little after 4 in the morning I woke up to cramps. I went to the bathroom and that's when I saw I was bleeding and it wasn't just a little bit. I freaked out, as one would expect, and called the doctor. He told me to get to the hospital. The emergency room was hell. It was so dead but at the same time I had to wait in the waiting room for almost an hour. There was another girl in the waiting area who had already had a miscarriage at home and was just sort of in shock. I kept having what I thought were really bad cramps and couldn't breathe but they didn't seem in a hurry to take me in. I know now I was having contractions. When I finally was taken back and seen by the doctor, she wasn't very sympathetic. She told the nurse, not me, that I was fully dilated. She didn't see any tissue and got really rude with me when I told her I didn't remember seeing any at home. I hate when people talk down to you when you are already freaked out. She ended up not telling me much of anything and walked out. The nurse told me that there was nothing they could do and they would probably do a D&C later that morning. She came back a few minutes later to check on me and tell me that the doctor wanted to wait for someone from my OB's office to check me out. Unfortunately for me my he didn't show up until well after 7 that morning. During all of this I was still having pretty bad contractions but no one seemed particularly concerned except for my husband. What happened next made it all ok though, at least at that time.
My doctor comes in and does an exam himself. He asks me about tissue and a few other questions but he is really nice about it all. He tells me that I am fully dilated and bleeding but that there is no evidence that I have lost the baby so he wants to do an ultrasound to make sure before deciding about the surgery. My husband is out of the room so he has no idea that this is happening and they whisk me off to ultrasound before he gets back. I will never forget the ultrasound. The tech is doing it and trying to be as nice and gentle as she can. I am so confused at this point and kind of in shock. She all of the sudden says "I need to get the doctor to come look at this. I want to be sure." She runs out and comes back a few minutes later, doctor in tow. He looks at the screen for maybe 30 seconds and then turns to me with a reserved smile. You could tell he is relieved but not trying to get me too excited. He tells me then "Your baby is viable." I was confused and asked what that meant and he tells me that the baby is still there and still has a steady heartbeat. He tells me that they are taking me back to the ER until they get a room ready for me and I will have to have procedure done to close my cervix. I remember him telling me vaguely that this means I'll be on bed rest the remainder of my pregnancy but I didn't care. He had just told me that my baby was alive. I was so happy and relieved. I didn't care about anything else. My husband was just as relieved when he found out but I think he was a little less ready to accept it. I wish now i had been as well.
They took us upstairs and we were met by this wonderful nurse. She and I had a lot in common despite her being a good 30 years older than me and she really was a wonderful woman. She explained the procedure they were going to do later and was making me comfortable when I had another contraction and felt this weird pop and gush between my legs. I freaked out a little and she checked it out and told me I was ok. To this day I don't know why she didn't tell me my water had broken. I knew something wasn't right but I was going with it anyway. The contractions got a little more frequent but everyone was acting like everything was fine so I tried my best not to worry. I asked if I could go to the restroom and she seemed to hesitate for a second but ended up letting me go. If I could take that back, I would. The next hour is one I will remember as the worst hour of my life. I went to the restroom and as I stood up after finishing my business I felt something falling. I started screaming and remember feeling the baby's head in my hand. They came and got me back in bed. There was nothing they could do for the baby as it was so soon and the hospital rules kept them from doing anything more than that until they talked to the doctor and for some reason he was unreachable so I laid there for about 30 minutes with my baby's between my legs until they finally were told they could do what they had to do. I don't remember much after that for the next hour or so. they took the baby, told me it was a boy.They offered to let me hold him but I passed. I wanted to remember him the way he was in my head. I wasn't passing the placenta so they started pitocin and scheduled a d&c. One of the other OB's from my clinic showed up to tell me about the surgery and offer his condolences. I will never forget the tears in his eyes and how heartbroken he was, everyone was. I had the surgery, woke up hysterical then went into a shock where I just felt nothing. We filled out the death certificate where we gave him a name and talked to the bereavement nurse then they sent us home.
I wish I could forget all of that. I wish I could just remember that there was a baby and then there wasn't. I wish that I could miss him a little and move on like I can most days. There are just days like today where I can't forget and where it hurts a little more than it should.
Happy Birthday sweet angel baby. We love you and miss you.